perf*ct (boy × boy) ✔

twenty-three: sounds like science fiction

nathan dawson's pov:

I was afraid I had managed to mess up an order or two, when my focus strayed back to Solar and his not so discreet staring. I had no idea where to look or how to act, when all I could think of was the gaze of his dark gray eyes focused on me, as intent as ever. 

He was way out of my league, but even if I could never touch I could look. Or, well, more like to take nervous glimpses, hoping he wouldn't notice my staring. 

Solar was taller than me, which didn't actually take that much, and he sat with his long legs open and leaning his back on the backrest. My eyes followed when he popped a fry into his mouth with those long narrow fingers that had entwined around my wrist some days ago. 

Solar was wearing the same worn out jeans and the sneakers that had seen better days, but somehow it made him look even better. I mean, not just any guy could rock an outfit like that. 

Then, just as I was trying to figure out if his black hair was as silky as it looked like, Solar looked right back at me. I quickly lowered my gaze, and made myself promise I wouldn't stare at him like that ever again. And that actually worked for a while, because of the steady flow of the customers.

But no amount of customers could have made it work when I noticed he had gotten up from his seat and was walking towards the counter. Towards me. Maybe he wanted to tell me to stop staring? But if he did, why did he look so nervous?

"Hi." Solar said, leaning his hands on the edge of the counter. His eyes strayed on my jaw, and I cursed myself inwardly when I could feel a blush creeping up my cheeks. "It doesn't look half as bad as I feared it would."

"I-I'm.. uh." How hard could it possibly be to get one coherent sentence out of my mouth? "I'm wearing concealer. Bessie m-made me."

"Oh, right. Of course." Solar scratched the back of his head, then he cleared his throat. "How are you getting home today? I could give you a lift, if you want to. And I was just wondering if you'd maybe want to do something this weekend?"

"Yes." I nodded, realizing how overly eager I had managed to sound. Then I sighed, disheartened. "But I can't this weekend. I really need to study."

"We can study together." 

I could think of a million reasons why that was a terrible idea. First of all, there was no way I could concentrate on school work with him sitting next to me. Then again, it wasn't like I could concentrate alone in the comfort of my room. 

"Okay." I found myself saying. Maybe it had something to do with my inability to say no, or maybe it was the expectant look on Solar's face.

"Great." A beaming smile spread on his lips, and my heart started thudding faster. "So I'll take you home and we can plan our study session then."

He flashed me one more smile and walked back to his friends. I had never seen anyone look so happy just to get to spend time with me. Afterwards my focus was gone, to the last bit, and I probably managed to mess the orders up more than I managed to get them right. 

°°°°

In contrast to Solar's worn out clothes, his car seemed new. I sank to the leather cushion while Solar took his seat behind the wheel. He didn't start the engine, so we just sat in his car in the parking lot of C&B's. I had a feeling that Solar wanted to say something, but as he couldn't get the words out of his mouth, I beat him to it.

"You shouldn't hate Nicholas." I blurted out. It was something I had been thinking of after the conversation I had had with Solar. "H-he wasn't always like that, and he's actually a good guy behind all his prickness."

"What changed then?" Solar turned to face me, showing no dubitation even though I knew he had his reasons not to like Nicholas. 

"J-Jonathan." I mumbled, looking down at my hands. "He got sick. Three and a half years ago he was diagnosed with leukemia.. and it was h-horrible."

Even thinking about it was enough to bring back the twisting pain in my chest, the heaviness in my heart. My mouth went dry and I felt like I was choking, but the knot inside my chest eased when Solar placed his hand on top of mine. 

I took a deep breath, determined to tell him what I was about to tell. For some reason it felt really important that Solar knew, so that he would understand why Nicholas was the way he was and how tangled up our family had become after we heard the diagnosis. 

"Jonathan had this flu that just wouldn't go away. He wasn't terribly sick, but it lasted so long my parents got w-worried. They took him to a hospital, had a bunch of tests and, um.." I had to stop to breathe. 

"You don't have to tell me this." Solar reassured, his eyebrows knitted with worry and a pensive look in his eyes. I entwined our fingers, taking all the comfort I could possibly get from him. It was something I would never have guts to do in any other situation, but at that moment I barely even noticed doing so.

"I want to. And I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully." I let out a strangled chuckle, earning an encouraging smile from Solar. "Acute lymphocytic leukemia. My little brother had cancer that sounded like science fiction to the 13-year-old me."

Jonathan hated hospitals and the treatments: chemotherapy made him feel weak and nauseated, the needles made him burst into tears every single time and his ultimate nemesis was the lumbar puncture. I learned to hate hospitals with all my heart during that time. The smell of disinfectant, the echoing hallways, the peeping machines, absolutely everything. 

"It was really tough for us all, but I think Nicholas was impacted most by it. He has always been quite popular, he's in the team after all, but back then he wasn't the team captain. He was good at school too, but after Jonathan got sick he started working so hard, trying to be a perf*ct son. And I, well, I was failing my courses and I became the original family disappointment."

Not that I had exactly exceeded at school even before that, though. But it all got so much worse: my stammering was back and I started getting bad anxiety around people. I even considered moving to my dad, just to get away from the unbearable situation at home. Of course I couldn't really do that, considering how my dad was determined unfit for custody.

"Nicholas and I started drifting apart the day Jonathan got his diagnosis, and I guess there's just no filling that gap between us anymore." I sighed. "But he's not a bad person, not really. And he's just going through.. something at the moment."

"Wow." Solar breathed, and then shook his head like he wanted to facepalm himself for his reaction. "That's terrible. I had no idea you've been through something so bad."

"You really don't know anything about 'the Dawson twins'?" I couldn't help but smile a little. If he didn't, he was officially the first one in town.

"You're really not the perf*ct family everyone pictures you to be." Solar shot back, a smile on his lips, but looking at me intently.

"Oh, I haven't even gotten started yet. We're not perf*ct, believe me." I laughed. Then we were quiet for a long while, still just sitting in the car in the parking lot. 

I closed my eyes and smiled when I told him: "I thought Jonathan was sick again, and I've been so worried.. but my p-parents told us yesterday that it was just a false alarm."

A few seconds after that I could feel Solar's arms around my shoulders and how he pulled me to his chest. I could almost swear I could smell sunshine on his skin, when I hugged him back.