perf*ct (boy × boy) ✔

fifty-four: all we have is now

solar clarke's pov:

When I opened my eyes, for a moment I was lost, not knowing where I was. Then I remembered and a broad grin spread on my lips. I glanced at Nathan, who was sleeping peacefully in my arms. I entertained myself by trying to count his eyelashes, but it ended up being easier said than done. Then I just stared at him until he woke up, not even caring if that was creepy or not.

Nathan stirred, blinking his eyes before a smile spread on his lips. I was certain he would be all blushed cheeks and stammered words after the night we had had, but instead he seemed.. Different. More open, if not even confident. He didn't avert his gaze, but kept his eyes locked with mine. He reached his hand and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Wait.." Nathan let his hand drop back to the bed, his eyes widening when he stared at me. I was certain he had only just remembered the occurrences of last night and was going to be all blushed cheeks and stammered words after all, but then he laughed. "Did you call me perf*ct last night?"

"No, what?" I denied, my voice pitch turning high. I rubbed the back of my neck and grinned. "You know I don't like that word."

"I know." Nathan smirked, before sitting up and holding out his hand. "Come on, let's have some breakfast. I'm starving."

I could see glimpses of us in the future, living together and having breakfast in our own kitchen, at our own table, when I helped Nathan prepare us PB&J sandwiches. It would be like this every morning: waking up in each other's arms and talking about mundane things while getting ready for a new day.

I can hear that one cynical voice shouting from the back row: "You're still so young and college years will tear you apart." Maybe it's the hopeless romantic side of me, but I didn't think for a second that we wouldn't be together during and after our college years. To me it felt like I had already found my forever partner. 

Besides, even if we didn't get to spend a lifetime together, we had now and we would have so many tomorrows. We had made such amazing memories together and we would keep making many, many more. And, at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters? To get to live in a moment, one day at a time, and love without worrying whether one day you were going to break up or not?

All we have is now.

Each and everyone of us. It's been said so many times, but it should be said a billion times more, so that we would realize that the moments we throw away are never coming back. Those boring hours at a chemistry class, all the mundane lunch breaks with our friends, the meaningless squabbles with our parents, the endless summer nights, the bursts of laughter; even heartbreaks and sorrows we thought would last forever.

"Where's your mind at?" Nathan's voice brought me back to Earth. Apparently I had been frowning, because he used his forefinger to smooth the line between my brows. The breakfast was ready and set, so we sat down at the kitchen table, which we didn't own, in a house that wasn't ours. Yet.

"I can't believe the school year is almost over." I admitted.

"Me neither. You k-know, I used to count the days for highschool to be over, but I haven't done that since you came around." He took a small bite from his sandwich. There was way too much peanut butter and jelly on top of it, so it ended up being a messy process.

"It was that bad before me?" I teased him, grinning while I lifted the sandwich from my plate and studied it.

"Nah, just boring." Nathan shrugged.

"I was so mad at my parents when they told me we would be moving and that I'd have to leave my teammates and friends behind." I realized I had never actually told that to anyone. Yet, when Nathan stopped eating and watched me with sympathetic eyes, I quickly added: "They were all assholes anyway, so it wasn't actually that much of a loss. But the point was that I didn't want to start anew, not at my senior year."

I had thought I hated Frostford High because of Nicholas and the other popular kids. I had thought everyone and everything about Frostford was fake, and that that was enough a reason to despite it. But I don't think it was ever actually about either of those things: I just needed something or someone to blame for my misery. A face to my anger of having to leave everything that was familiar to me behind. And, well, let's just say Nicholas had made himself an easy target. 

I took a bite from my sandwich, managing to smear peanut butter on my fingers, and chewed slowly. Only then I smiled and concluded the story: "I'm not mad at my parents anymore. This has been the best year of my life, and it's all because of you."

I have never felt more alive than I've felt here. With Nathan, Kieran, Johnny, Choni and Anshil, even with Nicholas. I have been more like myself than I've ever been this year. Even if I've always listened to the music I like and not been afraid of opening my mouth when I see or hear something that isn't right, I've still held parts of me back. I used to be so angry, always getting myself in trouble, but I didn't feel that anger burning in me anymore. I felt like I could be genuinely myself here with these people. 

"I know, I love you too." Nathan's voice was playful, but I could tell he meant every word. Then he busied himself with his breakfast again and I did the same, all the while grinning like an idiot.

If someone had told me a year ago that moving to Frostford would make me this happy, the happiest I've ever been, I would have told them to stop pulling my leg. I might have believed if they had told me I would have a million crushes, but I wouldn't have believed I could have something so much more.

Love.

°°°°

I'm afraid the previous chapter was utter garbage. I think I made it weird and awkward (which is one of my superpowers). After I wrote it, I wanted to burn all evidence of this story and move to Alaska. I'm not even overstating much.. :D Anyhow, I decided not to dwell on that and here we have another chapter. I'm thinking about wrapping this story up in a few chapters, but we'll see.