perf*ct (boy × boy) ✔

thirty-four: i don't want to be friends

nathan dawson's pov:

It was past midnight and I was laying in my bed. I was exhausted, but my brain refused to stop running full speed and let me sleep. Ever since the call, my chest had felt so heavy it was suffocating me. I wanted to double over and scream, but I refused to cry even a single tear.

I needed to feel that pain to remind myself never to fall for someone who is out of my league. To never have such high expectations, to never ever dream that big. I felt like a fool for believing Solar could feel the same way about me.

I knew I would feel better, if I just let myself cry, and if I didn't swell in self-pity. Yet I had no intention to change either of those things. I was all good in my little rain cloud, with just me and my misery. When would I do it if I didn't do it now? I was in the prime age for angst after all.

Blueberry was sleeping on my chest, snoring. I had no idea cats snored, but apparently they did. He stirred awake and jumped to the floor when a creaking of the floorboard made me twitch. I tilted my head to the side to see Nicholas dressing up a black hoodie.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Nicholas asked instead.

"I can't sleep." I sighed. "So, are you sneaking out or what?"

"I am." Nicholas shrugged and started tying his shoes like him sneaking out in the middle of the night wasn't a big deal.

"Where?" I sat up, frowning at him.

"It's none of your business."

"Just tell me where you're going and I won't rat you about it to mom or Jeffrey." I used my thumb and forefinger to massage the bridge of my nose. I was too exhausted for a debate.

"You don't need to know everything I do." Nicholas snarled.

"I'm starting to feel like I know nothing you do." I snapped back at him.

"I'm going for a walk, okay? Not a big deal. Jeez, you're nosy." After that Nicholas turned on his heels and climbed out of the window.

I spent a good while just staring after him. Then I covered my eyes with my forearm and groaned. My eyes were burning and I wanted to bawl my eyes out, not caring if I woke the entire house, but I swallowed back the tears. I. Wasn't. Going. To. Cry.

°°°°

We were all trying to ignore the elephant in the room, when we sat in the cafeteria. I was nibbling my lunch, occasionally chatting with Audrey Grace and trying to avoid looking at Solar. Every time I did, it felt like a punch in the guts.

We hadn't talked much after that call. We said hi to each other, while I avoided his gaze, and that was pretty much it. I was so hurt that every time I heard his voice, it was like someone was rubbing shards of glass into my heart. I was angry too. How could he make me fall for him, break my heart and just sit at our table like nothing happened?

But whatever. 

I let him. I said hi to him. I didn't glare at him. I acted like nothing had happened, because he made it more than clear that none of it meant anything to him. I had been reading too much into his kindness and now I needed to find a way to think of him just as a friend. 

But I didn't want to be his friend.

°°°°

I couldn't concentrate on the teaching, so I decided to text Lava and Jacob instead. I wrote them a long rant about Solar, Nicholas and everything in between. Usually Lava answered before I could even set down my phone, but this time she didn't. Neither did Jacob. 

It wasn't like they were always on their phones and I knew they had lives as well, but I started to worry once it had taken almost half an hour for either of them to answer. Until finally I could feel my phone vibrating in my front pocket. 

Lava: Why is it that you only remember us when you have something to complain about?

When I read her answer, I could feel a lump in my throat. I had forgotten her and Jacob for weeks, thanks to Solar. 

Jacob: She's not wrong u know.

What is it with bad things happening all at once? When one thing went wrong, the second misfortune was just one breath away. I swallowed hard, staring at the words on the screen.

nathan: i'm sorry.

And as there was no answer, I dropped my phone in my bag. I felt like my insides were tied into knots, when I sat glued to my spot for the rest of the class. 

I was like the boy in The Boy Who Cried Wolf. I hadn't screamed "Wolf!" for the sake of fun, but I had complained too much about things that weren't important. So now that there really was a wolf, no one took it seriously. I would have needed a friend more than ever, but how could they know that this time I really needed them? 

The worst thing was that I couldn't blame anyone but myself. Lava was right, l couldn't just disappear for weeks and expect them to fix my problems like nothing happened. 

After the class I slouched to the parking lot, waiting for Nicholas to take me home. I wanted nothing more than to slump on my bed and hide from the world. Nicholas was late, so I sat down on the curb. It didn't take long before someone joined me. 

"You're not alone, Nathan." Audrey Grace told me, a sad smile on her face.

"I know." I smiled back at her briefly, my eyes brimmed with tears. "But right now it surely feels that way."