Imagination II Winrina

Chapter 13

W I N T E R

I tightened my hold on the flowers as I stare at my parents' tombstones. There are some things in life you cannot explain that you just have to go through. It's been seven years then, and I have had enough time to reflect upon my state of being.

How did I feel that day? Confused. Conflicted. Sad. Numb. There was no right thing to do. I felt utterly lost, and all I wanted to do was crawl and die. I didn't want to eat. I wasn't hungry. But it was wrong because I didn't want to trouble my friends. Especially to Aeri. They said that I should be strong.

At first, you're in denial. You can't seem to accept that they are gone. You'll feel your heart aching and all you can do is cry out as you cling onto that tiny hope that it was all a dream. Then as time passes, your hopes leave your system and you experience excruciating pain. Next comes the part when you accept and that you have moved on. Growing strong enough to recall memories without the pain. Losing someone you love is painful and you must give yourself the time and space to accept everything at its own pace.

"It's been a while, right moms?" I smile, arranging the flowers before squatting down on the grass.

"I'm sorry for visiting not as frequently as before. But I'm sure enough you'll be scolding me because I should be focusing on school now that I'm a graduating student."

I played with my hands, letting the wind fill my silent atmosphere. "I wish you were still here."

I remember both my moms made life fun despite the consequences. Our everyday life became an adventure and every bad time was just a passing treasure.

"Despite the short moments we had together, I'll always be proud of being your daughter." Why? because of the years of laughing crying and other lovely and terrible emotions, I see from their faces, they never once held me back, never once doubted me or my path. They accepted my flaws and my needs. They pushed me to realize I am worthy of love and happiness. They showed me what family is.

"Today's another performance, I know you're proud of me like you always tell me. It'll be more special if I finally get to tell the girl I've been crushing for years my feelings. Wish me luck." 

"Don't worry too much about me. You'll always be close to me, and no matter the distance, I feel you holding me when I need it."

~~~

"I'm nervous," I clasp my hands together. My heart was beating rapidly causing me to shake. I left the cemetery in time for the event. Now that it's finally happening I've never felt this nervous before. 

"Why are you nervous? You've been joining this event for the past three years," She looks at me with those confusing eyes. Indeed, I shouldn't be nervous because of the experience already. But what if I tell her it's not about that?

"You know what I'm talking about," I softly say. Not looking her in the eyes. 

I told myself that one day, I'll do what my mind and heart have been telling me to do. The things I think to myself, I can't help but want to get them out. It doesn't matter to me anymore what would happen afterward.