Til Death Do Us Part

42

"I deserved it..... I did. It's karma, and this is exactly what I should get." He mutters it in a breathy, almost non-existent splice of words, still looking down and his hands, trembling the same way mine are. "It doesn't make it hurt any less.... or mess me up any less. That you've been lying this whole time.... Pretending... Making me hope.... Was this punishment? Revenge? Did it give you a kick to see me falling all over you and trying to rekindle past memories?" Jyeon finally raises his head, his eyes so steeped in sadness and betrayal that it cuts me deeply. His words are slow and etched with bitterness. Questioning me in his mind and coming up with so many reasons I would drag this charade out and pretend not to know. I can see why he would think it was a ploy to hurt him that it was vindictive and mocking. Despite everything he did back then, I never wanted to wound him this way, and it wasn't a manipulation of any sort.

"I......" I don't know what to say and shake my head. My words trail to silent air because I don't know how to explain when he's looking at me that way. As though I ripped the rug out from under his feet, stabbed him in the heart, and yet he doesn't explode. I wait for the mad and cruel to appear, the cold cutting words he can throw like spears, and instead stands a man grasping for reasons that the person he thought he knew could do this to him.

"I ...... I know I have no right to be angry or hurt about it, after what I did ..... that I brought it on myself... but .... Sohla, you never once wanted to let me know you were okay? Even if you didn't want to come back? You didn't think about the pain we were in? How crazy we were going without you? You couldn't have given us a message even if we never knew where you were? Ended our suffering with one fucking text? I never stopped longing for you and hoping you were alive, yet you didn't give a shit about it." His voice breaks, and tears fill his eyes. His raw emotion is spilling out, and for the first time in a long time, my guilt racks through me at an insane depth. It's as heavy as steel and makes everything inside me throb. Seeing him break. Seeing him react this badly to something I assumed was a minor detail I could act my way out of. It's worse than I imagined it could be, and I lose all bravado.

"I thought you messed with the car. I thought you would hurt me if I came home. End it properly. I thought it was better for everyone if I died that night." I start to whimper, caving because I can't be the one to strike a blow like this to the man I love. Even back then, I was always so feeble when it came to hurting him, no matter what he did, and it hasn't changed. Regretting this and knowing Greta was right. I should have played this ruse to the end so I wouldn't have to deal with how he's looking at me now. This was so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.

"Did I become that much of a monster in your eyes? Did you truly think I would fucking kill you? I couldn't even stand to see you hurt from catching me with her, so how the fuck could I plan to murder you?.... Didn't the way I always ended up bowing to you, chasing you, whenever you were hurt, never make you stop and think that I gave a shit?" His temper rises and swirls in the air, replacing his agony, but I know it's because I've wounded him. When he's in pain, he reverts to self-defense, and I knew this would be the outcome. It's what I hoped for in separating us. His wall is coming up, and our war is starting all over again. I am exactly the same.

"I know that now... I see it and that it wasn't you that messed with the car. I didn't back then. I only saw someone who hated me and wanted me out of his life for good. Someone who fell in love with someone else and didn't want me in the picture or messing with what was his."

"That's not true ..... I never wanted you gone, and I never loved her. I never hated you. I was caught up in pain and the inability to forgive. I asked you for a divorce because I was angry and reacting to our whole toxic mess, but I knew that it felt like shit to ask for one. We were so fucked up in every way, and both did things to maintain that wall between us until we hit the tipping point, Sol..... It doesn't mean I didn't care about you or that we couldn't have salvaged something once we stopped with the bullshit." He paces around in a circle, caught between anger and heartbreak, and I can only stand there like a dumb statue and watch him. Helpless.