Til Death Do Us Part

57

"You ready?" Jyeon helps me out of the passenger seat onto the gravel driveway, and I blow out my air. So not ready for this, even though I told myself a million times on the way here I was. It was not that long a trip by boat and then car to get here, but the island feels so far away. My palms are clammy, and my heart rate is abnormally fast. My nerves are jangled, and my insides are all knotted up and clenched inside of me, adding to the tension of my stiff body. I'm a mess.

"It's the first time I've been here since...." I trail off, peering up the hill into the cemetery, and swallow hard. Fighting tears, I can feel building behind my eyes.

"I know.... You had a hard time coming here, so it'll be emotional since it's technically your first time. Even though you think you are stronger now, it's different when you're here. Standing where she is." Jyeon curls my hand in his, taking the flowers we bought from my hand in the same one he's carrying the gift bag containing the slate name plaque. Softly talking, being understanding.

"You've come here since?" I ask, curious because it was a subject we never broached, and when we did back then, it was always to fight. Neither of us shared this. Now we're standing here, and I realize he hasn't mentioned whether he did come here before in the last couple of days while organizing this trip.

"Yeah, I came monthly for six years. This would be my regular visiting weekend." He answers so directly, and I'm stunned. That meant he was coming here every month since the day we buried her, even when he acted like he avoided it. Rendering me momentarily surprised into silent pondering. The guilt rises inside me and chokes me that I only came here to see her laid in the ground and never faced it again. I just couldn't bear to go and see her lonely and cold in this place. Even though I have lit a lantern since being with Greta, it's not the same as coming here to her, and I have so many regrets that I waited so long.

I stare at him with wide damp eyes, a little choked up and unsure how to untangle these intense feelings, but Jyeon brushes my hair from my face. Pulling me closer and treating me with care and gentle affection.

"Day one... step one..... No blaming, no residual guilt. We're here to see our baby girl. Forget the past and live only for now from here on in. We do this together."

"I'm trying." It hurts my throat with raspiness, and I allow Jyeon to pull me with him when he turns on his heel and heads towards the gate ahead of us. Following his lead and needing his strength to do this.

Back when she was being buried, Jyeon picked this place alone because I couldn't bear to be involved in the process of sending my baby away. Choosing where she would be dropped into the ground seemed like a monumental challenge, and I buried my head in the sand and left him to do it. He thought I didn't care, but I couldn't stand it. Unable to even do something this basic for her as picking where she would lay for eternity.

Walking through the serene and pretty hillside. Colorful and breathtaking, with a view high up over the city so you can see mountains in the distance. I can see he picked somewhere amazing for our little girl to spend her days, and it brings me more heartbreak to know I let her down by not being a part of this. Taking it in properly for the first time with fresh eyes, I can see why this was his choice for her. It's beautiful and peaceful, and there are so many well-tended flower beds and rose bushes edging the grounds, so she always has prettiness around her.

The incline with small, neutral-colored, polished steps past rows and rows of neat and clean headstones isn't too steep, and with the sun out like it is today, there's a serene quality and somehow dreamy illusion of this whole area. He chose picturesque and comforting, and I hate that I didn't appreciate it before now. Saw the love in his actions back then.