Her Therapist

Chapter 19.

SEBASTIAN

"Anything?", Conor asks me, typing something on the computer.

"Nothing", I say, disappointed that we didn't find anything about Esther.

We started with a couple of cities in our country, but we didn't find her in any of those hospitals we checked.

Where were you, Larsson for God's sake, where????

"Fuck", he curses and continues typing aggressively on the computer. "Here nothing either. I don't understand where was she if she wasn't in the main city of our country?" He runs his hands through his hair, nervously.

"Conor", I speak, "take a break. This is not your case. You don't need to..."

"Shut up!", he shushes me. "You're my brother. I want to help you. Plus, I want to know something more about her, too."

I raise my eyebrow. "Do you?"

"I do, of course. She is a living mystery for fuck's sake!"

"Conor?", I call him.

"Huh?" He turns his head to me, hands still on the keyboard.

"What did you do to Ava?"

"What do you mean?" He averts his gaze as soon as I mention Ava. "I didn't do anything."

"I mean what did you do to Ava?", I repeat slower so he can understand. "She's angry with you."

"Oh, fuck that!" He runs his hand through the air and gets up abruptly. My eyes follow him, his every move, as he walks through the office, nervously. "Listen, Seb", he stops and looks me in the eyes, "Ava was never for me, anyway."

"But?", I press.

"But, nothing but. What but?", he confuses.

"Do I need to say it instead of you?"

"No, you don't", he frowns. "Because there's nothing to say anymore."

"Conor. Conor, stop", I order him, so he does, reluctantly. I get up, as well and approach him. I take his tie in my hand, pulling it slightly. "I hate that I'm the one breaking this to you, but since you don't want to admit it to yourself" I pause, taking a breath, and he frowns harder. "You fell in love with Ava."

"No!" He pulls away from me, and I run my hands through the air, tired of his avoiding and not accepting the obvious things.

"Yes."

"No."

"Conor..."

"Sebastian..."

"Listen to me!", I raise my voice, surprising both myself and him. He widens his eyes, and looks at me confused, knitting his eyebrows. "You fell in love with Ava. There's no... There's no big deal. That's normal."

"It's not."

"It is. I fell in love with Lucy, too. And I'm fine with it", I say, bitterness and pain present in my voice, betraying my stern state.

"It is not for me", he mumbles in his chin. I approach him because he stepped back, shaking his head, decisively.

"It is", I whisper. "It is normal for everyone. You are no different from other people, Conor. We all fall in love. That's how it is. You can't change that."

"I can", his voice is small, barely audible. His eyes never meet mine. He may be crying.

"You can't", I defy him. "Why is it bad for you to feel, Conor? It always has been. You've always denied feeling any emotion. Why?"

"I don't need a therapist, Sebastian", he clears his throat, and shakes his head, running his hand through his hair. "I wanted to help you, but I see you're better on your own." He grabs his jacket and disappears from the office before I can stop him.

"Conor..."

                                                                                            ***

After Conor had left, I continued searching for Esther, but I had no success. I just can't believe that she wasn't in any hospital in the main city. Or... I just didn't search it all well. 

I decide to go to the café I went to the last time I found her working. But then if the boss sees me he could maybe be angry. Maybe it's better if I just pick another restaurant. Plus, I haven't had dinner, and I could use some food to think better while researching all the hospitals in our capital city. 

I picked the most decent restaurant I could find in the area because I didn't feel like going far away and then have to walk for an hour to come back to my apartment. Though, I could easily take a taxi. Taxi. God, it reminds me of Esther, and how she was sleeping peacefully in it, while I was drawing on the glass, watching the rain sipping down it. Why does everything remind me of her?

While I wait for my order- pasts carbonara, and white wine, I open my laptop and refresh the page on the documents that Conor and I had started working on, before he nervously stormed from my office. I don't know what to do with him, but I know I will have to do it later after I solve this. If I solve this. I am not putting this above our friendship, but at the same time, I kinda am. Job doesn't come first for me, but...

... she does. 

No! She doesn't. Plus, I have no idea when is going to be the next time I'm going to see her. When I think better I have no idea what to do with her either. How do I explain to her that she needs to come to my sessions at least twice a week? Or three times? Yeah, three times would be ideal, but I bet she wouldn't even want to come once in a month. In a year even.

I begin to think about what would she say to my proposal, but my order arrives, and I wonder how were they so fast. I thank the waiter, and he tells me to enjoy my meal, and I only smile, taking the utensils, and fixing my eyes on the laptop. I keep scrolling through the documents and search everyone whose last name starts with L hoping I will find Larsson, but they are just so many patients that have this later as their first one of the last name, and I begin to struggle to keep my eyes focused. They begin to get tired, and I have to shake my head, to stay focused. taking a sip of my wine, I continue scrolling, but the biggest problem is that these documents are recent, and if Esther was there earlier in her life, it's not possible for me to find that. The documents I'm looking into are from 2016, 2015, and older. 

I sigh, closing the laptop, and digging my utensils in my pasta. It's warm but not hot, and definitely delicious. Very delicious. But to me, everything is delicious because I haven't eaten anything cooked for such a long time. I know how to cook. I can cook myself and for myself.  just don't have enough time to do, since I spend most of the day at work. Sometimes when I work the night shift I can cook something but then I usually don't have the motivation nor will to do it.

Also, one more problem is that I don't really want to cook just for myself. It's so boring, and I found myself many times wanting to have someone for whom I could cook. So, the other day when Larsson was there and she was so surprised to see all the food that I keep in my fridge, that she looked shy and blushed, I was happy to finally have someone to whom I could prepare food. But she, of course, had to blow everything, and leave me again to eat alone.

What would be if we ate omelet together that morning, I think as I take a bite of my pasta, the fork scratching my teeth, as I imagine what could have happened. Us two chattering, me making her laugh, as she would tilt her head backward, laughing hard, making me chuckle, as well. Ah, that would be great. I think that I wouldn't even ask her about her dad, nor anything about her past, and her life, I would just enjoy the time with her. I'm sick of eating alone. I'm so sick of being alone. 

I turn around myself, watching how everyone has someone sitting next to them, and I do my best not to let the hole in my chest spread to the rest of my body. I sigh and turn back to my still full plate, and when I do that, I meet with a pair of bright eyes, bordered with black makeup. 

"Need a company?"

A/N

I had the worst writer's blockade and I know this chapter isn't the best one, but it's all I could do. I was thinking of taking this story down, and I don't know should I keep it going.