Fucked up| Dreamnapnotfound

Food guilt

/CLAY/
Have you ever watched a movie that just felt so surreal? It's like a really good trip. Except you know everything is falling apart around you.

I've never cut myself. I've never starved myself. I've never attempted suicide.

I'm too scared to die.

I feel like everything I do is like a movie. Like my every move is being watched and calculated.

Maze runner type shit.

I hate it.

I guess I've never had a stable relationship with anyone but Nick. Nick was always there for me and it was the only real reason I didn't do any of that stuff.

I'm just a stupid addict though. Addicted to nicotine, addicted to alcohol, addicted to drugs and addicted to that goddamn boy.

It all went downhill when we met George though, I could see Nicks admiration for him almost immediately.

I feel so cheated out of my own boyfriend, it just makes me so upset.

He looks so much happier with George and he won't talk to me.

I haven't been to school in ages. I'm not even skipping. My parents are getting a divorce and don't want me going in.

If Nick had just listened maybe I wouldn't be sitting here, blade to my wrist and a cigarette in my mouth.

I don't know how he does it. Nick thinks I don't know he hasn't gone a day without self harm in years. But I play along.

I want to but I just can't bring myself to do it. What if it hurts more then I intend it to? What if I accidentally cut too deep, bleed out and die?

Maybe I shouldn't.

I want to die. But I'm too scared.

I'm a coward.

I fold the penknife and drop it in my pocket.

I want to talk to Nick but I know he doesn't want to talk to me.

Once again, a movie.

It's more like a fucking depressing series where the main character was tricked into thinking they have the most perfect life for so long that they actually believed it and thought nothing could happen.

Now I can't stand myself or anyone around me, only Nick.

I like Nick a lot.
But he loves George.
———
/GEORGE/
I feel bad. Not about what you think though, actually, I don't know what you think.

I feel bad that I have to watch Nick struggle with his food. He eats slowly, at first I thought maybe he didn't like it but he's putting it off. I've only seen him like this twice.

"Are you okay?"

The silence speaks volumes as he places his fork down and smiles at me.

"Yeah, just kinda full"

"You've only eaten this today, and even then only a few mouthfuls"

I know Nick doesn't like opening up. He prefers to listen.

"Your parents are home in like 30 minutes. You can tell me if anything's wrong"

"You sound stupid. Nothings wrong, I'm just not hungry" he shuts me down.

The air is cold as he walks over to the bin and scrapes the remaining food into it.

"Come on" he starts walking for the sitting room and I follow him.

He lays down on the couch and grabs the remote, leaving just enough room at the end of the couch for me to sit, but I don't.

I lay in next to him and put my head under his arms so he's spooning me.

He sighs and buries his face in the back of my neck before looking up and switching to an unfamiliar program.

He seems to be watching it intently but I know he's faking to avoid talking to me.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Honest to god you can tell me anything, I'll listen to you ramble about whatever you want, if you want to tell me all about the boy your in love with you can"

"I'm with Clay"

"But you don't love him"

"I'm fine."

He pauses the TV and turns around to face away from me, his face practically pushed into the cushions because of the couch being small.

He takes a breath in.

"I don't think I've ever told anyone about this side of things, not even Clay"

"You can tell me" I assure him.

"I'll tell you under one condition"

I nod then remember he cant see me so I hum.

"Don't do anything about it. I hate when people interfere"

"...ok"

"I've always had body issues, body dysphoria or just body dysmorphia. I feel like everyone else has the perfect body except me. Like- I can't stand being around Clay recently because it's really bad at the moment and he's just so gorgeous- in every way! And you, you could be a fucking model, I had anorexia last year really bad because some kid asked if I was secretly fat under my clothes"

"Clay beat the ever living shit out of him for that- Then it didn't do anything even though I didn't eat anything for 7 weeks, so I relapsed and started cutting again"

I breath in and turn around to face his back, then exhale.

"You know, everyone's like that, you don't care about their bodies but they care about it. But they don't care about anyone else's" I word it carefully so he doesn't think I'm invalidating him.

"Trust me, nobody is walking down the street thinking your fat"

Nick turns around so that our noses are so close we're touching.

"Thanks George"

"And anyway, you have two people totally into you"

"Two?"

"Yeah. Clay and this guy..."

"Describe the other guy"

"He's about 5'8, brunette, brown eyes, he's an alcoholic, his family lived in Britain before they moved here. His name begins with G and ends with eorge. Oh and he's fucking your boyfriend"

Nick smiles and blushes heavily, showing off all his teeth cutely.

"And I heard he really wants to kiss you right now"

Our eyes haven't left each others, burning holes into the latters head.

My hand reaches up and cups his jaw, watching and feeling him blush even more as he bites his lip and drawing blood without even realising it.

He's so close to my face that if I just move forward a little I'll be there.

He lets me turn over so that I'm on top of him, my right hand now reaching up and holding onto his other cheek.

The silence is deafening, nothing but our breathing as our mouths slowly inch closer and closer together.

The door starts unlocking behind us and Nick pushes me off of him, unpausing the TV and greeting his dad.

"I should probably go" I say as his Dad walks into the house,"thanks for having me over"

"Bye George" he smiles and I pick up my phone and coat, walking past the older man to get out of the door behind him and sighing with the release of fresh air.

My phone dings in my hand and I look down to see a text from Nick.

'Rain check?'
This makes me smile.
———