Fucked up| Dreamnapnotfound

Clay

/GEORGE/
Clay is bigger then me. By a long shot. He's filled out but he is also slender. His parents are quite well off, definitely better then my dad.

He cares. He cares a lot about everyone else, for the good and for the bad. He cares what people think and he cares that people think well about themselves.

He has very low self esteem but he tries not to show it. I know he's smart, he just doesn't show it.

He's smart because even though he's only been in school 9 days this year he's passed all his tests and he's smart because he knows better then to harm himself. Or to kill himself.

He's great in bed too, he'll do almost anything I ask him too.

I won't go into that though. I just love him as a person and I want him to be in my life for as long as possible, as a lover, as a friend, as anything. I want him to stay near me and I want him to be the first in the door at my funeral.

I don't think I want to ever go to anyones funeral. Maybe my mothers but it feels like such a burden, you know?
———

Clay wraps his hands around my waist now. He has big hands. I have a small waist so his fingers touch barley around the side.

His chin rests on my shoulder and I smile, typing on my phone, doing the homework the best I can. He kisses my neck, not in a sexual way, he kisses it lovingly.

"Do you want me to do your homework too?"

"You don't have too."

"I want to do it for you"

"Okay then"

I like being helpful.

"I'll change some things and send it as a text so you can copy and paste it" he kisses my neck again and hugs me closer.

"I love you so much" his voice is hoarse and croaky,"you save me honestly. I'd never get this done otherwise"

"Schools a bitch" I laugh and turn from my notes to messages.

I have a few unread messages from my dad but I also have one from my mother for some reason.

"What the-?" I say out loud without meaning to.

"What?" Clay opens his eyes and stares at my screen.

"My mum texted me"

"mUm" he mocks and I slap his arm.

"I hate her...- we never speak"

I open it and see how long it is, I'm not reading this now so I close it and mark my dads texts as read.

I send a few Snapchat streaks and then watch tiktok for a while, Clay asleep on my shoulder, his arms around my waist and our legs intertwined.

He's so beautiful. I hope he knows this.

I haven't heard from Nick recently. We haven't spoken and he wasn't in yesterday or the day before. I'll go see him if he isn't in school tomorrow.

I let clay sleep and take a few candid photos of him napping with me.

I push him backwards and close my eyes myself, feeling myself slip into a state of euphoria before my eyelids close and colours dance in my mind.

I wish Clay knew exactly how much I loved him. I love his smile. I love his laugh. I love his voice. I love his muscles. I love his eyes.

I love his boyfriend.

Oh shit.

I'm in love with both of them.
———
/NICK/
Being sick sucks ass. It sucks more when you can't see either of your boyfriends because you can't keep a stable relationship continuously go on.

George always comes around. I know he will say something soon.

Clay does too. He will come over and kiss me and it'll be all okay.

I'll smile and blush at either of their faces. I'll remember all the times Clay tried to teach me to skate but I ran over him.

I'll remember all the times George has been there for me and I shut him down because I knew he needed to talk more then me.

I just want them both to be okay.

I'm not, but that doesn't matter. I'm like a week clean ever since George mentioned it.

Maybe I need him to criticise my cuts more so I don't cut again.

Oh my god.

George has seen my body. I feel suddenly disgusting.

I poke my stomach and groan, I just want to be skinny.

I wish I looked like them.

They're perfect.

Everyone else is perfect.

I guess I just don't want to be me.

I have no motivation to do anything about it, I don't even have the energy to starve myself anymore.

This sucks.
———