Fucked up| Dreamnapnotfound

The way you look

/CLAY/
Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if I hadn't met anyone. Just didn't talk to anyone ever and I had no friends. It would probably suck but seeing the way my parents are makes me want to rip out my own hair.

I've been spending a lot of time on the roof or aimlessly walking around the roads to Nicks house. I never walk to it, but just enough for me to see him in the window sometimes.

I should move out. But a flat somewhere in Europe and ghost everyone.

Maybe just kill myself all together.

I don't even realise how far I've walked until it's too late and I've rang the doorbell at Nicks house.

His brother opens it,"hey Clay. Nick is in his room"

"Thanks" I say and walk in, closing the door behind me and making my way to his bedroom door.

I take a deep breath in, scared for some reason but I open it anyway and look to the left, watching him happily listen to music at his desk.

"Nick?"

No response.

"Nick?" I say louder and he jumps, he holds his chest and breaths out looking at me in the doorway.

"Fuck Clay- you scared me" he suddenly starts smiling and takes off his headset.

"I'm so sorry I ghosted you. I didn't know what to do"

"What do you mean?" I ask, a pit forming in my stomach.

"My mental health and that got worse, just seeing you made me upset for some reason. I'm better now, and I'm glad you're here"

He looks amazing in the filtered sun and I can't help but pull a stool over next to him and sit down.

"I'm sorry too for being all emo" I say and he laughs.

We lean into each other and kiss briefly, I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, he does still like me.

When we break away from each other he just stares into my eyes, I do that same.

"I know it seems like I'm into George and to be honest, I think I am. But I still really, really like you and I'm glad you feel the same"

I can't help but kiss him again and giggle like a child.

"Who wouldn't be into George? He's sexy" I joke, watching Nick glow with genuine happiness.

There's a knock on his door,"come in"

Andy walks in and stares at us,"Jesus what are you two, gay?" He looks us up and down and smirks.

We are sitting quite close to each other and my hand is in his, although I don't think he can see that.

The look on my boyfriends face says it all, I suddenly know he's taking the chance and before I can change the subject he says,

"Actually, yeah. I think you should've known earlier but I am gay and I have been dating Clay for a few months"

Andy's jaw drops,"oh- I- I'm sorry, I didn't know. Have a good day-" he tries to skip out the room but Nick calls him back in.

"What did you want?"

"Uh, just my pen back. I have to do homework"

He nods and throws a black biro across to his brother, trying hard to keep it cool.

"Does he even know what gay means?"

"He's 12, not 2. Of course he does and now he'll watch his words"

I shrug and look over at the paper he was writing on. It's a sketch.

"What's that for?"

"Fucking science, it's annoying"

I watch him search around for another pen and continue to sketch in silence for about twenty minutes until I feel like a cigarette.

I take one out and head over to the window, opening it and sitting up, lighting it and holding it between my teeth for a moment.

"You know... is it wrong if I want you but I also want George?"

"You already have us both?"

"No I mean like... dating. Dating both of you"

He spins around in his gaming chair and look at me, biting his lip until it draws blood but doesn't even wince.

"No. It's not. It's not actually a bad idea either, but of course George has to be up for it"

I nod and take a drag.

"Clay?"

I look up and we make eye contact.

"I think I do want that. George is driving me mad honestly, he always almost kisses me and then like a story something happens to put it off"

"Well, I'm giving you permission to do whatever you want with him, not that you needed it"

He grins, showing his teeth.

"You're adorable" I comment, laughing at him and taking another drag.

He grins even bigger and blushes hard.

"Come here" I open my arms.

He walks over and sits on my lap, I offer the cig and he takes it.

I can see the sun about to set and I hug him tightly, afraid I'll lose him if I don't.

His kisses feel different to George's, they feel careful and warm.

I'm amazed I get to call him mine.
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