COMPLETED Nellie Lovett (The Virgin Widow of Fleet Street) #Wattys2016 Sweenett

Worse Than Death

Chapter X

Sweeney's POV

It has been a while since Nellie's breathing went back to normal. The warmth of her soft skin is giving him comfort, he feels at peace for the first time. In a long sorrowful years he lived his life in prison, it is the only time he can feel his heart beating again. The only time he is thinking about another person apart from Lucy and Johanna.
"Nellie..."he called her softly and embraced her tighter as he kissed the top of her head.
"Forgive me Nellie. I never meant to hurt you..." He whispered.
'If only, you didn't see me that night... If only... If only I wasn't blinded by my obsession for revenge. This would never happen to you...to us. If only I have seen you earlier.' He washed away his thoughts, why does he feel so much hurt? Why does he had to feel so alive yet so afraid of what can happen. Afraid of his own feelings... Afraid for Nellie. He'd never experience handling anyone who's so fragile in his life. Lucy has always been independent, at least as how he remembered. And now, Nellie, this young widow who's always been like a sister to him...he smiled drily.
'You can no longer fool yourself Sweeney. You don't make love to your sister. You don't look at her naked body the way a man looks at his wife.' He looked at her face leaning on his chest. Nellie's red curls are messed on her face, he finger combed it back behind her ear and looked at her for a long time. Appreciating just how wonderfully beautiful her small face is. He traced the bridge of her nose and gently touched the frown in between her brows, her long eyelashes were resting on her slightly dark eyebags and her sweet red lips are a bit parted showing the tip of her two front teeth which he found so stunning.
Sweeney realized that Nellie's angelic face is the only beauty left in this pit of hell he's in.

He felt a cold breeze of air on his skin, he embraced Nellie again before he gently pushed her to bed and stood up to put a few more woods to the fireplace which is starting to lose fire already. Then he went back to the bed to find Nellie facing its other side while hugging a pillow, he smiled and put on his trousers before he settled himself behind her. Sweeney pulled the blanket on top of Nellie and embraced her from behind until he also fell asleep.

For the first time in many years, he fell asleep without the nightmares from the past but just the feeling of having someone beside him, feeling someone's heart beating against his own chest, and feeling her warmth on his skin.

Morning came...
Sweeney slowly opened his eyes when he felt Nellie moving inside his arms. Even the lightest of movements can wake his senses ever since he went to prison. It's already morning he noticed when he felt the sunshine on his skin.
He pulled Nellie closer and kissed her head.
"How do you feel now, pet?" He asked and touched her neck. She's still warm but not as feverish as last night and he smiled. His hand automatically reached for one of her breasts and massaged it gently, still sleepy, he didn't notice her tensed.
Nellie moved again only to groan out loud, Sweeney opened his eyes, her bruised back and arms greeted him and he cursed in his mind. Looking down, he noticed that both the blanket and bedsheet were stained with her blood.

He raised himself to check on Nellie, her eyes met his gaze. It didn't take so long for him to realize that she's shaking, her eyes were full of questions and...fear. The same fear he saw from her eyes that night. That night when he almost killed her, he shook his head and reached for her again.

"Nellie... Oh God..." More bruises on her shoulder blades and neck. He cursed himself, he can only imagine how much he hurt her last night.
"I won't hurt you Nell... I... I..." He couldn't find the right words to say. How can he explain it to her without frightening her. Nellie can't remember anything, all there ever was in her face is confusion and fear.
"Hush, love... I won't hurt you. Please calm down..."
Nellie grabbed the pillow and covered herself with it. She bit her lower lip to keep herself from screaming, he can see pain in her face and he got worried.
"Nell, it isn't what you think it is..." he combed his fingers on his hair. How can she not think of it as what she thinks of it now? He snapped. Even himself would doubt anything he can say given how bruised she was. Given how much pain is visible in her face.

"You were convulsing last night. Y-You would've died if I didn't..." He started but she cut him.
"If you didn't rape me?!" She said furiously which made him smile. Well he knows its inappropriate to smile at that moment but he can't help it. She has never spoken a word since the night he killed Turpin, and now she just did.
"you're speaking now..." Her face got more confused. Sweeney exhaled out loud.
"Beadle..." The name ring a bell, Nellie swallowed hard, her eyes were lost for a moment.
"He tried to rape you." He confirmed the memory she regained
"And you... You wanted to kill me..."
That, he can't deny... Sweeney tried to explain, he tried to calm her but he can't. Afraid that she'll only get worse, he held her for the last time and kissed her forehead before he left. He left a huge scar in her heart that cannot be healed in just over night, he knows that.

In time, he hoped that she'll be healed, that he can come near her again without making her tremble in fear.
He can't lose her now, and that isn't just because he'd finally seen how beautiful she is, especially not just because she was virgin... He just cant lose her. The idea of losing her suddenly feels worse than death.