COMPLETED Nellie Lovett (The Virgin Widow of Fleet Street) #Wattys2016 Sweenett

"Goodbye, Elle"

Chapter XVIII

Nellie woke up feeling nauseous, sluggish to get out of bed, she decicded to lie down a little longer, it was still early, all she had to do is make breakfast for Toby and herself she thought. She was about to close her eyes again and sleep a little longer when she felt a backflow in her stomach. She stood up quickly and rushed to the bathroom. She gripped and leaned on the sink as she throws up until she felt nothing left in her stomach, she can feel her limbs shaking, her legs are turning into jelly-like. She hasn't eaten anything since last night because of the "razor" incident. She washed her face with cold water and brushed her teeth hoping she'd feel better. At least a little, she did. Looking at her own reflection on the mirror, she noticed how pale she was. Dark circles were her new bestfriend nowadays. Given how much she's been crying these past weeks.

Nellie breathed hard and calmed herself before she went out of the bathroom and headed to the kitchen downstairs.

Emotional, she looked at the sifter and rolling pin she hasn't touched for a long time. Thinking what she'd done with them makes her even more nauseous. She still can't believe she did bake pies with "someone's" meat and fed them to her pie shop's customers. She put her hand on her mouth feeling another backflow from her stomach as memories of the horrible things from the past reoccured in her mind. She'd committed an inhumane crime without her knowledge at the time. Those terrible events turned her into this weak person that she is now, afraid of every single thing that reminds her of those events, afraid even of herself...for reasons she'll never dare admit to anybody.
Reasons that despite the madness and hatred she has towards the devil himself residing upstairs, she still finds herself thinking of him, feeling pity for him, secretly wishing all these things never had to happen...and hating herself for caring for the man he was, or at least for the man she thought he was, Benjamin Barker. Deep down in her heart, Nellie knows that Ben would never be this worst if the tragic events from almost fifteen years ago never occurred.

Closing her eyes tightly, she touched the rolling pin, she has to move on, she has to be stronger than her fears not just for herself, but most of all for her son.
She doesn't have to make meat pies to overcome her fears, she can make apple pies for breakfast if she can't take meat, she convinced herself. So she started sifting the flour and working on the dough. When she finished pounding it enough to be set aside for awhile, she picked up some apples. Shakily, she reached for the knife, trying to erase the memories of a razor on her neck, Nellie breathed hard again and started peeling the apples. She then sliced them thinly and set them aside to work on the dough again.

Using the rolling pin, Nellie pressed on the dough and started making a disk from it, wide enough to fit the pie plate. Suddenly she felt the world spinning so she leaned on the table to calm herself. She hasn't baked in a long time and making it now this early, is a little too exhausting for her especially that she woke up feeling sickly moments ago, she thought to herself. In time, she knows she'll get used to this again.

"Nellie..." A barritone voice from behind surprised her that she almost jumped. Nellie swallowed, she's already feeling worse and here comes the demon again.
She inhaled sharply and held her breath for awhile before she exhaled and tried hard to compose herself. She'll never let this man see her vulnerable again. She'd already told him what she wanted to tell him yesterday and that should be the end of story. If he still wants revenge, he can just kill her for good but she won't let this man turn her into a useless person especially not a useless mother before he do so.

She heard his light footsteps getting near her until he stopped just behind her. She pretended to be busy so she wouldn't have to face the man she thought she knew. The man she thought she could trust and help to move on. But she was wrong, he wasn't healed, he can never be healed... Benjamin Barker, the man she knew to be of gentle soul since she was a little girl, the man she dreamed of having the like for a husband...the man, whose memories never left her heart all those years that passed is the first man that this Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of fleet street as how she tagged him has killed. Yes, Benjamin Barker is dead now, she has accepted that fact now, she has finally let go of the hope that she can help this revengeful man that hid Benjamin somewhere inside him, she freed herself from those hopes that very moment when he raised his razors to her neck.

'Don't fool yourself Nellie.' said a small voice in her head. He cared for you, you knew you really owe him your life now. After what that Beadle has done to you, you have Sweeney Todd to thank for being safe now.'

'Thank this demon for being the one to rape me instead of that filthy old ass?!' she snapped as tears started to swell on her eyes again. She tried hard to wash them away and good God, she did.

"I just want to say goodbye Nellie... I... Just thought it would be better for you if I'm not around..." he said softly. Nellie didn't respond, she just continued pretending to pound the dough.

"I am leaving for good now..." He waited for a response, hoping that she can at least look at him for this one last time, but she didn't. All he could see was her back facing him, and he knew that that is all he could ever have from her. It hurts...It hurts like hell to see the back of someone you cherish so dearly. It is indeed painful even for the demon himself.

"Goodbye, Elle..." He said finally before his tears fall down and turned his back to leave.
Nellie stopped for a moment, that was the only time he actually called her Elle. Benjamin was the only person to have ever called her that way and that was the very last word she heard from him before he turned and walked until his footsteps vanished into thin air.

Droplets of tears on her own hands caught her attention. She didn't notice them falling, she didn't have the chance to stop them from falling. She put down the rolling pin and sobbed...again she was crying because of the bastard.

She immediately wiped the tears when she realized what she was feeling. She felt empty and she hates herself for feeling that way. Didn't she just told herself that she will move on and make herself stronger? The demon doesn't deserve such feelings from her. He used her, and now he's leaving to escape from all his crimes. Yet, she felt empty, she felt sad, something inside her is suddenly longing for him.

'You used me...and I hate you... I hate evrything about you Sweeney Todd.'
Nellie whispered and washed the emotions away, she doesn't care wherever hell he may go. Life will eventually be better for her from now.
Trying hard to convince herself, she pretended to focus on making the pie and walked to the oven.

Suddenly her vision blurred and she halted, she closed her eyes as tight as she could hoping that it will be clear again once she opened her eyes but it only got worse. Her vision is moving, circling around her and everything seemed to have become grey. She reached for the table so she can lean on it, but it felt as if she was looking at a moving tunnel and missed it about a few inches, her knees turned into jelly and the last thing she felt was the loud and hard bang on her forehead as it hit the edge of the table and she finally lost her consciousness.