COMPLETED Nellie Lovett (The Virgin Widow of Fleet Street) #Wattys2016 Sweenett

The Broken Vow

Chapter XXIX

...Benjamin panicked when he realized his wife is already bleeding heavily. The blood has now covered the skirt of her night gown as well as the mattress of their bed.
Terror and fear were so visible in her lovely face as she stared at her hands and screamed. She was trembling.
"H-help!!! Oh, please!!!" She closed her eyes and throw her head while embracing her tummy. "N-noooooo!" She screamed again and run for her breath, rumbling as her chest went up and down.
"Relax, baby... I'll get some help." For one last time, she twisted in pain and screamed as he ran out of the house to call the nearest midwife he can find. Getting to the doctor would take a longer time, and he's afraid that by the time he reached home, his wife might be already in a real great danger.

Quickly, Benjamin ran to the second floor with the old woman who's considered the best midwife in that town.
The old woman immediately looked at his wife and pulled her skirt up to check her bleeding.

Ben sat down beside his wife, she was sweating as she breathed heavily whilst crying. The pain won't go away. The contractions is getting more painful every second.
"Her water broke." The old woman informed them.
"Oh, no. Please..." She cried and flinched when another throbbing pain claimed her.
"But it isn't time yet!" Benjamin said in horror.
"We have to get the baby out, otherwise they will both die." The older woman spread his wife's legs and pulled up her skirt.
"Push..." She commanded her.
"N-no!!!! Oh, God!" She cried out, she can't allow herself to push and give birth knowing their baby might die prematurely.
"Ben!!! Please do something!" She screamed again when another throbbing pain in her back and pelvic area claimed her.
Benjamin stared at her blankly, it was all his fault. His own tears fell knowing what his wife is going through now because of him. He can't let her die, he can't let her suffer this way.
"Push, love..." He held her face as another couple of tears dropped from his sad eyes.
"N-no!!!" She pushed his hands away from her.
"You'll both die if you don't give birth now Mrs. Barker. The baby's chances is higher if you give birth now. If you keep it this way, the baby would definitely die inside you." The old woman informed them again.

Terrorized eyes looked upon him.
"Please... Please... Push, love." He kissed her forehead, reassuring her that everything will be fine.

Crying, she pushed and gave birth to a baby boy. The old woman tapped the butt of their baby and waited for a cry, but only silence filled the room. She did it again but there was no reaction from the baby, until she looked at the couple. Wrapped the baby in a clean white blanket and handed him to them... Lifelessly.

"I'm so sorry..." She said as she gave the baby to Benjamin.
His wife shakily reached for the baby, he didn't know what to do, he just stared at their little angel in his arms.
"G-give me... My baby..." She spoke in a broken voice.
The moment she layed her eyes on their child and touched his face, she began trembling.
"C-cry... Please..." Gently she tapped his cheek and waited for any reaction.
"Cry!!!" She screamed holding the baby tighter as she cried out loud...

Present...
Benjamin held Elle's hand as he looked down on her. Pain and sorrow is still so visible in her face as she sleeps.

He can never go back to sleep, everytime he falls asleep, the nightmare of yesterday would come back and he'll wake up trembling. He raised his wife's hand and kissed it.
"I'm so sorry, Elle... I am really sorry." His tears fell on the back of her palm. The fear in her eyes, the way she trembled as she held her tummy and looked at the fresh blood on her dress before she fainted is still so clear in his mind.

Nellie is absolutely in trauma. She sobbed even in her sleep, she would embrace herself and reach out her hand on the air as if she's trying to hold on to something repeatedly until he went closer to her and embraced her in his arms. Her soft cries in her sleep kept him awake for a long time, and when he'd finally fall asleep, the nightmare comes back.

The nightmare when his first child with Lucy died at birth. The nightmare of seeing his late wife's face changing from a yellow-haired simple beauty to a red-haired aristocratic features of Nellie. He wakes up everytime his nightmare would reach that part. He looked at his wife again. The sun is starting to rise, but her face still remained as dark as how it was last night.

"Forgive me, Elle. I never wanted to hurt you and our baby. Please forgive me." He leaned his forehead on her hands as he embraced her tummy.
Elle groaned as she moved beside him.
"Elle?" Their eyes met. Her hands searched for her tummy as tears started to form in her eyes.
"Hush, love." He held her hand and tried to calm her.
"Hush, Elle... Calm down, the baby is safe." He informed her as he kissed her left hand. Elle closed her eyes tightly in relief but her tears still fell from them.

"I am so sorry, Elle." Now his tears are starting to fall as well.
"I didn't mean it that way. I didn't want to make you feel like that." Elle opened her eyes and met his gaze for awhile before she looked away. Sadness and anger is still in her eyes.
"When you concluded it was because of Lucy why I acted in such ways, you were right. But apart from her, it was also because of you." Elle didn't look back to him. She remained looking at the beautiful yellow-orange skies from their window.
"Lucy had a miscarriage before we had Johanna..." His voice was broken. That was only then Elle turned her head and searched for his eyes, she was surprised, she never knew about this.

"That happened just before we moved to Fleet Street..." He continued when he noticed her eyes were confused as she looked at him.
"The nightmare of it kept on coming back lately. I tried to distance myself from you because of fear that the same thing might happen again. I... I can't take that. I can't let you experience the same pain Lucy had."
"And you chose not to tell me about it. You just let me fall into different conclusions." He can understand the bitterness in her voice. It was all his fault after all.
"I was too guilty to even speak of Lucy's name. It was my fault she's... Dead." His shoulders were shaking but he managed to continue.
"It was also my fault our baby died... I couldn't tell you because I was too afraid to remember, to speak about it. I'm so sorry Elle." He held her hand to his lips. She can't say a word. She can understand his pain but she can't understand why he had to avoid her.
"I can't control myself when I'm beside you. I get weak and lost with your touch. It was too painful...almost unbearable...controlling myself not to touch you. I love you too much Elle. I never wanted to hurt you. The last thing I'd want is for you to experience the same thing she had."
"What are you saying?"
"It was because of intimacy that the baby died. We were newly married, we didn't know anything about the dos and don'ts. I don't want that to happen again just because I can't take my eyes off of you." He looked down and just pressed her hand tighter.
"You stupid man!" She said bitterly, her tears are falling.
"You should've told me, no matter what! You shouln't have led me on so confused and lost trying to figure out what was happening... Look at what it got us. We almost lost the baby! You stupid man!" She cried and hit his shoulder.
"I know, I'm sorry, Elle. I'm truly sorry." His tears were still falling. Elle looked at him for a long time, now her misty eyes were full of forgiveness and understanding. He kissed her hand again, she raised the other one to touch his face and wipe his tears.
Then she wrapped it around his neck, Ben leaned on her and embraced his wife tightly.
"Don't ever do that again... Don't you ever act so stupid again." She said softly as he embraced her.
"Never again..." He replied.
"Don't ever leave my side again, Ben." She was crying again. Ben raised from their embrace and looked at his wife's lovely face.
"I promise to stay beside you, until we both can no longer walk." He kissed her forehead.
"I love you Elle, with all of me." His eyes were fixed on hers, waiting for her to respond.
Elle touched his lips with her thumb before she slightly raised her head and replied with a sweet kiss.

She has accepted all his indifference, all the skeletons in his closet, as well as the demons that are still haunting him and swear that she'll fight them with him.
Whatever it is from the past that would test Benjamin, she will be with him, hand in hand, she will understand and help him get through it the way he has helped her get through all her fears.

That is the promise she has vowed into as she sealed her husband's lips with her gentle and loving kiss.
Be it a hundred or a thousand pieces of a broken glass shattered on the floor, she will pick them up and put them together. She promised to keep all the broken vows he had in the past and glue it with her golden heart.

A broken vow can never be unbroken, but she can at least fix it with something gold; in hope to make it more beautiful... In hope to make it something worth to keep.

A love worth living for... A life worth dying for...