maybe, someday

16 // buzz

brooklyn

if there were two of me

at this very moment, sober me would

have been scolding myself continuously

for placing the glass to my lips.

not only did i promise my brother

and others' close beside me, but i

promised myself, i wouldn't allow

myself to melt into the touch of two

things:

one, being you

and two, being booze.

this was a special occasion in an odd way.

i was placed at the table between you

and your mother and although i felt

obligated to drink beside your mom,

part of me ached to.

ached,

to embrace the warmth and feeling of

belonging again; being home in a place

where i fit most.

each drink i took, i mentally scolded

myself; for allowing you to easily

walk back into my life.

hating myself, for easily falling into

you and allowing myself to instead

of turning cheek.

i should have politely declined your

moms offer for lunch, i should have

ignored you when i ran into the grocer,

i should have left you confused in the

aisle to debate which creamer you needed

instead of telling you which one.

i should have done a lot of things

but i didn't. instead, i walked right back to

without thought that you would or

would not be there with open arms.

i lost count of how many times i

filled my glass. instead of drinking

beside your mom, i began a game with

the only player- being myself.

every time i felt myself falling back

to square one.

every time i felt as if nothing changed

or we were still together,

take a sip.

every time i found myself glancing your

way, take a gulp.

every time i found myself wanting to

place my hand in yours, press my lips against

yours and wish to go home with you,

chug the rest and refill my cup.

each drink turned into a blur,

blinding and numbing me from what

i hoped to hide and ignore.

i helped you with the dishes

before i decided to leave and although

i knew i wasn't in the state of being

able to walk home or take a cab on

my own, i fought to do so.

like many times in the past,

it was an argument with you i knew

i'd never win.

and once again,

you swept me off my feet in more

ways than just one.