maybe, someday

18 // reality

brooklyn

two questions came to mind

when i first woke in the morning

and pried my eyes open, squinting

at the light shining through the cracks

of the blinds.

one, was i hit by a hauling cab ?

and two, how the hell did i get home?

i was spread across my couch,

laying on my side; my head propped

up on the arm with a soft pillow

underneath and a cotton blanket

draped over my waist, my feet

peeking out underneath the seam.

soft fur tickled the tips of my toes

while a tiny set of teeth nibbled

and brushed against my skin.

"vanity," i mumbled softly kicking

my feet before sitting up to shoo

my cat off the couch.

i instantly regretted sitting up

as a sharp pain shot through my

head, ending with continuous thuds

making me dizzy.

laying back down, i palmed my forehead

then glanced at the coffee table beside

me, eyeing the tall glass of water.

sitting up slowly to prevent another

dizzy spell, i reached for the cup

and took a sip; noticing the two tiny

red pills and note.

maybe next time,

don't drown yourself in wine yeah?

especially when you don't want to.

l x

groaning i tossed the note back into

the table and popped the two pills

in my mouth, flushing them back

with a gulp of water.

i couldn't remember anything

that occurred after lunch, i couldn't

even remember what i had for dinner.

did i even eat dinner?

the rumbles of my stomach vibrating

my insides answered that one,

however, the idea of food turned

the rumbles of hunger into swirls

of nausea.

i definitely hadn't eaten dinner

when i got home; and with drinking

glasses of wine with only having a

small lunch with no breakfast took

its toll on me by empting the inside

of my stomach into the toilet.

a groan escaped my mouth as i

flushed the toilet and leaned back

against the bathroom cupboard.

i brought my knees up to my chest

and buried my face in my hands

groaning over and over.

my body felt heavy and warm

while my head pounded as if

there was a high school drumline

performing a cadence on repeat

inside.

"so stupid" i muttered.

because of you, i had took it upon

myself to bathe in liquor,

allowing the alcoholic liquid

to consume my body from wake

to slumber. because of you,

i used abuse to heal to the numbness

you pressed upon me;

the numbness i allowed myself to

feel.

then here i was months after

pouring full bottles down,

slumped down on my bathroom

floor with a hangover.

i should've listened to my

subconscious and my brothers

irritating pitched voice in my head

telling me to dispose the wine glass

in my hand.

part of me thought i was strong enough

to be able to handle the thick taste;

and part of me thought i was strong

enough to be near you.

i wasn't strong.

i should be hating you for what you

did and the things you caused.

but here i was allowing you to waltz

your way with that stupid dazed charming

smile upon your face with wide welcoming

arms.

i hated you for what you did,

hated you for who i allowed myself to become

and hated how easy it was to fall back into the cycle of you;

that was so easy for you to turn away and so hard for me to break.