Finding Heather

Year 4 Chapter 9

Author's Notes: I'm sorry for the delay in uploading this chapter, real life took over for a while. I hope you enjoy. This and the next chapter have been two of my favorites to write so far. I'm going to add a self harm warning on this chapter. Nothing gruesome, but Harry is going through something in this chapter that I have dealt with many times in my life and I want to portray it as accurately as possible.

Harry Potter and everything magical in his world belongs to JK Rowling, not me.

Chapter Nine

The rush of having the First Task and making up with Ron filled Harry for the next week. While Ginny was still giving Ron the cold shoulder, Harry felt almost like nothing had ever happened. He was convinced that Ron had been right about everything, and that he had needed to hear it. Despite this assuredness, a tiny tingle wriggled in the back of his mind. When he looked at a girl, he had to remind himself not to admire her make up or how she wore something. "I'm a boy" he'd whisper to himself each time this would happen. In order to help learn to curb these thoughts, he started to hit himself in the leg, when no one was looking, anytime he caught himself thinking girl thoughts.As November ended and December blew in, Professor McGonagall made an announcement at the end of a Transfiguration Class that made not thinking like a girl extremely hard. The Yule Ball, a traditional part of the tournament, was to be held on Christmas Eve in the Great Hall. As expected, all of the girls started tittering in excitement. Harry and Ron groaned, Ron thinking about the dress robes he had hidden in his trunk. It got even worse when McGonagall told Harry that not only was he, as a champion, required to attended, but also to open the dancing with a partner Suddenly no one wanted to talk of anything else. Everywhere girls started swapping ideas on what to wear or hairstyles, while boys looked at the girls trying to figure out how to ask one out. After handling a dragon, Harry didn't think that asking a girl out would have been so difficult, but now faced with it, he almost begged for another turn with the Horntail. He had learned spending time with Hermione and Ginny that girls traveled almost everywhere in groups, but hadn't realized how difficult that made getting one alone. Harry was very thankful to be able to spend time with Hermione. She seemed to be the only girl in the entire school who wasn't planning and fretting about the ball. Even Ginny was excitedly discussing it constantly, even though as a third year she wouldn't be able to attend without being asked by an older student. During the many evenings he, Ron, and Hermione spent in the library, gossiping girls chattered non stop at nearby tables or between rows of books. It became more and more difficult to not listen to them, and before long a bruise had started to form on Harry's leg where he hit himself.Anyone who saw the three of them spending time together would think that everything was back to normal. Even between the three of them there was a pressure to act as though all was well, and not bring up anything remotely uncomfortable. The longer this went on however, the more that little wriggle in the back of Harry's mind grew, and girl thoughts kept forcing their way into the back of his head. Harry hadn't told Hermione about any of this, afraid of what she would say. Even if I do want to go back to being a girl, Harry found himself thinking one night while they sat studying, would she even help me back after I wasted all her hard work? On the pretense of scratching an itch he managed to smack himself in the leg under the table. The first week of December passed quicker than Harry realized without making progress on any of his impending challenges. He hadn't tried to make progress on his egg in weeks, despite Hermione's repeated insistence that he should. In an attempt to placate her, he lied through his teeth that he thought he almost had it worked out. He was sure she didn't believe him, but she did thankfully let the matter drop. Far more important in Harry's mind at the present was figuring out both who and how to ask a girl to the ball.By the end of the second week, Harry realized that he couldn't wait any longer. The next Tuesday he made up his mind at breakfast to ask out Cho. He saw her and her usual group of girlfriends get up from the Ravenclaw table and followed them out of the hall, fighting to quell his squirming stomach. Trailing them to the second floor, Harry stuck up the nerve to call out, "Cho, can I have a quick word?" Immediately all of her friends broke out in giggles. Blushing slightly, Cho turned and saw who was calling. She smiled and nodded, waving her friends on. She walked back down the corridor with him until they were out of earshot. "Do you want to go to the ball with me?" He asked, stumbling over his words so badly that he had to repeat himself to be understood. "Oh, Harry. I'm so sorry, someone's already asked me and I said yes." She replied, looking slightly crestfallen at having to say no. "That's alright," said Harry trying to inject an upbeat tone into his voice. She was just turning to go when he asked "who asked you?" "Cedric, Cedric Diggory." "Right, thanks Cho." He said, his voice faltering a bit.She turned and walked back to her waiting friends, who were all staring at Harry, knowing full well what had just happened. As he watched them go he pictured Cho and Cedric together. A mic of jealousy and regret at waiting filled him as he stood there. A voice floated forward from the recesses of his mind, she's a lucky girl, getting to go with Diggory. Feeling dejected, he turned and headed off for Defense Against the Dark Arts, not quite sure if he was more jealous of Cedric, or Cho. He felt the need to hit himself several times for thinking that.When he arrived in the crowded classroom, he slid into his seat between Hermione and Ron without a word, still trying to figure it out. Today was another practical lesson in throwing off the Imperius curse, something Harry no longer had any difficulty doing. This game him a good deal of time to sit and think, though no answers came to him. Nearby, sitting on a desk while waiting for her turn was Lavender, who was quietly showing Pavarti a picture from a magazine. Distracted by a comment on how much work it'd be braiding her hair, Harry looked over to see it was a clip from a Witch Weekly article he'd read in October when Ginny was teaching him to braid his hair. Without realizing it he had just started to speak up with a piece of advice when he stopped himself No, boys don't talk about hair braiding he told himself firmly.But you aren't entirely a boy, are you Harry? Came that same voice from out in the corridor. When he got back to the common room that evening, he discovered he wasn't the only one who'd had bad luck asking out a girl. Ron was sitting in an armchair, face as white as a sheet, surrounded by a small knot of people. Harry walked over, "Ron what happened?" Ron just shook his head, not trusting his mouth to open. Ginny spoke up for him, "He's just tried to ask out Fleur Delacour." "What?" Harry asked, looking at Ron either a mixture of pride and pity, "how'd it go?" "Terrible" croaked out Ron. "I was there," added Ginny, who seemed to be enjoying this a little, "he sort of screamed it at her while she was talking to Roger Davies. It was a bit frightening." "What did she say? Harry asked "I dunno, I came to my senses and ran for it" Ron said, still not looking anywhere but the wall. Harry sat down and told Ron about asking out Cho, which seemed to help. Ginny eye's shot to Harry's face upon hearing about it, but she didn't say anything. By the time Hermione turned up, all three of them were in better spirits. Ginny had seemed to think the public shame Ron had just gone through was sufficient punishment for what he had said to Harry, and was finally thawing to him. As he slept that night, a strange dream filled his head. Unlike most of his dreams which were indistinct, this one was so vivid and real that when he awoke the next morning, he wasn't sure if it had been a dream or a real memory. He was walking down the marble staircase into the Entrance Hall, his every footstep echoing across the empty chamber. Looking down in surprise at the noise, he saw he was wearing the dress he'd seen over the summer in Gladrag's. It fit him perfectly, and there on his front were two small breasts, which fit his body perfectly. Peeking out from under the hem of the dress were a pair of white high heels, his toenails painted the same shade of green as his dress. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of curls of black hair, and reaching up he felt his locks reaching down to caress his shoulders, feeling as though it were made up of dozens of soft, curly springs. Returning his attention to his surroundings as he marveled at how the dress felt, he noticed for the first time a dark figure standing at the bottom of the staircase, gazing up at him expectantly. The figure wasn't clear, hardly more than a shadow, and for a moment Harry was scared. He had just turned to flee back up into the castle, when he remembered that this was his date for the ball. As soon as this crossed his mind and he turned around, the figure took on the form of a boy, taller than Harry, even wearing heels, in dress robes of black with a green tie that matched his dress. Even with his body now in sharp focus, the figure's face remained blurred. Harry approached the boy, taking each step slowly on the stairs, hearing the dress swish as he walked. When he reached the bottom step, the boy reached out his hand. Taking it, Harry was swept into the empty Great Hall, which looked like it always did at Christmas. From somewhere he couldn't see, a band started playing a slow song and the figure pulled Harry close, sliding his hand to the center of his back. Slowly, but without hesitation, the figure spun, leading Harry whose dress whirled with the movement. Soon Harry's hands had found their way to the back of the figures neck, and his head laid on the unknown chest. Harry wasn't entirely sure why, but this felt so natural and right.A violent snore rent the air, causing Harry to bolt upright in bed covered in cold sweat. He looked around; the dream still clear in his mind. He could almost feel where the dress had hugged his body and the figure's hands on his back. After a minute his breathing slowed but the dream refused to fade, nor the feelings it had caused to stir again, stronger than ever. He was so lost in thought as he sat there that he even forgot to punish himself for what he was pondering. He lowered himself back down, feeling the chill of his sheets which felt refreshing on his bruise, and laid there for a long while before finally drifting back to sleep. Later on that week Harry and Hermione were working in the library. Harry was still being bothered by the dream, though he hadn't had any more like it since then. He wanted to talk about it, but wasn't sure if Hermione would be willing to listen. Neither of them had made any mention about his other self since Harry had given everything back to her. The feeling of trying to broach the subject felt like standing on the other side of a high wall, guarded by a dragon. And besides, shouldn't he be ignoring dreams like that anyway? Just as he had finally worked up the nerve to bring it up, Hermione gave a loud sigh. "I wish him and his fan club would go somewhere else." She said, flipping a pace of her numerology textbook a bit too hard. Harry turned to see who she was talking about, and saw Victor Krum, followed at a distance by a group of giggling girls. Quickly, as though he'd seen them looking at him, Krum left. "I've seen him in here a lot. I wonder if he's working on his egg clue." Harry responded. "That's something you should be doing, Harry." She said, giving him a very Hermione-ish look. To avoid that topic, Harry stood up and walked over to the shelf that Krum had just left. Idly he perused the titles, which included What to do when you think you have Dragon Pox, Magical Maladies and the cures that didn't work, and Crack or Quack, a study of St. Mungo's Healers. Moving back to the table where they were sitting, Harry couldn't figure out how any of those books would have to do with whatever was coming in the Second Task. Trying hard to decide if he wanted to try bringing up his dream again, he was interrupted by a small, almost nervous cough. Looking up Victor Krum was looking at them from the end of a bookshelf. Apparently he had ditched his followers and circled back around to the table where they were sitting."May I have a vord, please." He asked. For a moment Harry thought Krum was talking to him, but then realized he was looking intently at Hermione. "Umm, ok" she said, rising. Harry watched as Krum led her two rows up the aisle. Her face went bright red and she nodded. She turned and walked back to the table, almost falling into her chair. "What did he want?" Harry asked after a moment. "He-he asked me to go to the ball with him?" She gasped, "And you said yes?" Harry replied, grinning. Hermione nodded. "Good thing you bought such a pretty dress this summer isn't it" Harry blurted out without even thinking. Hermione blinked out of her musing to look at him. It was the first time he'd mentioned anything girl related in almost a month. "And you helped me pick it out" she replied, smiling. The next day was Saturday, and Harry decided to wander alone after breakfast. Hermione had just been asked by Neville to go the ball with him, which she had to decline. Ron was too busy eating to have noticed, but Ginny leaned over and started a whispered conversation with Hermione. Seeing the two girl's excitement made the thoughts that had been running through his head all week resurface, prompting him to leave the table. Without conscious thought to where his feet were taking him, Harry started up the marble staircase. Idly he debated on going up to the owlrey to visit Hedwig, when he came to an abrupt halt. His wandering had taken along the second-floor corridor, just around the corner from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Glancing around to see if anyone was watching him, he turned the corner and stood staring at the door. He didn't know how long he'd stood there when a voice behind him spoke. "I wondered if I'd find you here." Turning, Harry saw it was Ginny. He hadn't heard her come up behind him, and wasn't sure if he was glad to see her or not. "Wanna go inside and talk, Harry?" She asked when he didn't respond. "Talk about what?" He asked, trying to ignore the whirling feelings inside him. "That look on your face when you saw Hermione turn down Neville." She answered, crossing her arms. "Oh, that wasn't anything. I know she already got asked." He replied, caught off guard. This hadn't been what he was expecting."Then what's going on?" She said, gesturing at the door. Looking around again, Harry opened the door and led her inside. Nothing had changed since the last time he was here, and Myrtle was nowhere to be seen. Sitting down on one of the benches like they had a month ago, Harry started. He told her about missing dressing up and feeling pretty, that he wanted to braid his hair again and see what his hands looked like with painted nails. He missed being a girl, even though he knew he shouldn't. Lastly, he told her every detail of the dream. The entire time he talked she sat there not interrupting, just listening to him. When he finally ran out of words, she hugged him. "Harry, it's all ok. I promise. We'll figure out what's going on. I understand you feeling like you need to be a boy, but you can also want to be a girl too.""But isn't it wrong for me to be one?" he asked.Not at all!" Ginny exclaimed, looking sternly into his eyes. "Boys can like girl things. Don't let anyone tell you differently." After a moment, she tried another tack. Since it sounds like this is what started you thinking about this again, do you want to talk about the ball?" She asked."M-maybe. Are you going?" He replied slightly confused. Third years and under were allowed to attend unless asked by an older student. "Yeah, Neville asked me when Hermione said no. He just wants to go as friends, which is fine cause I really want to go." She said, a slight blush on her face. "That's great, Ginny." He replied, realizing that yet another girl had been taken and he still didn't have a partner."Guess that means I didn't buy that dress for nothing, huh?" She joked. "Nope you're gonna look great Ginny." Harry replied, a small smile forming on his face.Soon the two were discussing how Ginny would be doing her hair, nails, everything. The longer they talked the more natural it felt. The shame and disgust Harry had held against himself faded away in the enjoyment of talking about all the girl things he loved. It wasn't until he slapped his leg while laughing at a joke Ginny made that he remembered his bruise. At his yelp of pain, Ginny looked concerned again."What's wrong, Harry?""It's nothing. Don't worry about it." Harry said, trying to play it off.In that very moment, for the first time ever, Harry saw the resemblance between Ginny and her mum. Pulling a very Mrs. Weasley-ish look, Ginny stared him down. "Want to try that again?"Wordlessly, with a different sort of shame falling onto his shoulders, Harry slid the leg of his pants up as far as he could, showing the bottom half of the bruise. Ginny gasped at the ugly purple sight of it."Harry!" she exclaimed, "What happened?""I...I did it. It was a punishment for thinking about girl stuff." he mumbled.Ginny didn't say anything, but she looked closely at the bruise before reaching out and taking his hand. "Why didn't you tell us about this, Harry?""Because" he answered, then when it was clear this was not a sufficient answer, he continued. "Because I thought Ron was right about me. I thought I was supposed to be a boy, and that thinking like a girl, wanting to be a girl, was wrong. I had to be a boy, but I couldn't stop myself from having those thoughts. So I had to punch myself for it." Tears had begun to flow from his eyes, running down his downcast nose to drip into his lap as he spoke."Harry...." said Ginny quietly when he had finished. "You never need to hurt yourself.""I felt like I did.""Then you're wrong. No one deserves to be in pain. No one." Her hand gently lifted his chin so he was staring Ginny directly in the face. He nearly broken down again when he saw a hint of tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "You are who you are, Harry. There's nothing wrong with that, I swear it. How much of this have you told Hermione?""Nothing. How could I tell her? I don't even know if I can ask her for help again or not" Harry said, his voice cracking as he let his fear out into the open. "Why couldn't you?" Ginny asked gently. "Because of everything I said, and all the time she spent helping me that I just threw away." He replied."Harry, she's your best friend. Tell her how you feel and she's gonna understand." Ginny stated reassuringly. "I'm going to have to tell her about this, aren't I." Harry asked, gesturing down at his leg."Yes. You will." Ginny said matter-of-factly, then added, "Do you want me to be there when you talk to her?" "Yeah, I think I do." He replied. Rising from the bench the two set off for Gryffindor Tower, looking for Hermione. When they reached the Common Room, Hermione and Ron were standing near the fire, Hermione with her arms crossed and face red with anger. As they approached, she huffed and stormed across the room and up the staircase to her dormitory. "What's all that about?" Asked Harry, momentarily forgetting why he and Ginny had come in search of Hermione."I dunno mate." Answered Ron, "all I did was ask her to the ball and she said no. I asked her why and she told me she was already going with someone. I said come off it, if you don't wanna go with me that's fine but you don't need to lie about it. Then she stormed off." Ginny, who had been shaking her head the entire time Ron had been speaking, asked, "is that everything you said to her?" "Well, I mean, I may have said something about needing a date before I ended up having to go with a troll. But I mean, that's a compliment, right? I wasn't calling Hermione a troll." Ron replied, completely oblivious. "Did you say anything else?" Asked Harry, not sure whether to laugh at his lack of understanding or not. "Yeah, I said 'Hermione, you're a girl. You can do to the ball with me'. I guess that might have been the wrong way to put that." Ron added. "It probably was, yeah" Harry replied. "But that doesn't mean she needed to lie to me about it. I mean, come on." Ron said, still not entirely understanding how what he'd said had come across."She isn't lying," said Ginny. "What? Replied Ron. "She has a date for the ball Ron, and so do I." Ginny replied, a smile crossing her face. Ron turned to Harry, "my sister got asked before I could find a date." Sitting down next to him, Harry did some thinking. Ron was at least partly right. If the two of them didn't find partners soon, they might end up going with someone they didn't know at all, or worse, stag. The latter wasn't an option for Harry. Suddenly the sound of girls giggling reached his ears and he looked around. There, across the common room, were Lavender and Pavarti. Steeling his nerves, Harry got up and walked right up to them. "Pavarti, would you like to go to the ball with me?" He asked, surprised at how calm his voice was. After a few moments of renewed giggles, she replied, "Yes, I'd like that." Harry turned and asked Lavender to go with Ron, but she had already been asked. Pavarti suggested her twin sister Padma, who was in Ravenclaw, and said she'd ask her tomorrow. Hermione did not return to the common room that night, and Ginny soon excused herself to go upstairs. The dream returned that night, every detail once again painfully clear and vivid. When it ended, Harry woke and found that he felt sad. His face was cool in the chill air, and he reached up to feel streams of tears running down his cheeks onto his pillow. This sadness was different however. This wasn't sadness that he was a freak and needed to be a boy, he was sad because he wanted to be a girl, but wasn't.