Dangerous Muse (ASHLEY 10) ☑

Chapter 20

|Chapter|20|Pictures|

"I thought you won't visit me, ang sabi ni Fheris... you were busy doing something... a more important matter." Hindi mapagkakaila ang lungkot sa boses ni Isaah, na siyang mas nagpasikip sa dibdib ko.

I want to blame Fheris, get mad at him for saying nonsense to Isaah pero alam kong kasalanan ko. Hindi ako sumipot kahapon. After that little time I spend with Jeremiah, I went straight to my room and locked myself.

Hindi ko lang maproseso sa utak ko ang mga nangyari. Hindi sumasang-ayon ang lahat sa mga plano, dahil ang gusto ko ang ginagawa ko. This will only lead me to much painful heart ache for sure. But why does it feels like... I don't care at all? That I don't mind being that broken at the end and just let... let this fucking emotions rule me again? Well, it always dominates me.

Maingat kong nilapag sa coffee table na nasa harapan ni Isaah ang tinimpla kong tea, ilang araw lang kaming hindi nagkita pero halatang-halata na ang laki ng pagbagsak ng timbang niya. He's so worried about his mother. Pero ayaw naman niyang bumalik sa France para mas matutukan ang kalagayan ng kaniyang Ina. He's scared that his mother will die right before his eyes... just like what happened to his father.

I'm here at his house to sympathize, to be his friend. But there's something with the way he looks at me, that tells me he doesn't need me that way. He needs more than what I could ever offer. Pero hindi ako aalis kahit pa iba ang kailangan niya.

I don't want to admit but he's a friend. I used to tell and show him that I hate his guts, but deep inside me, I know I won't be happy if I'll lose him. Unfortunately, I only see him as that, a friend. I hope he'll settle for that, too.

"Will you come with me? If ever I'll decide to... go back?" He reluctantly asked.

I occupied the space beside him, took the throw pillow beside me and hugged it. I glued my eyes on the portrait in front of us, it's a family portrait, him, his father and his mother. They were smiling, happy, complete.

Kung ikukumpara, malaki ang nagbago sa kay Isaah. And I can't blame him for changing. I actually liked the old Isaah and hated that version at the same time. Playful yet charming, and right now... he became cold. He's only open to me. I know because I see how distant he is to other people. Natatakot lang siguro siya na baka may masamang intensyon sa kaniya ang ibang tao, na baka ang kausap niya ngayon ay siyang papatay sa kaniya bukas. I can understand his fear, but I really wish he will try to be braver again.

No one can ever save him, but himself. No one can ever find the key of his chains, but himself. He hid that courage somewhere, so he should find that alone. Minsan, inaakala natin na kailangan natin ang ibang tao para maka-survive at makaahon sa takot at sakit na pilit tayong kinukulong. But that's just plainly a belief, a mindset that was used to fool everyone. If you're going to see a psychiatrist, that professional will tell you the same. Only you can help yourself from drowning, no one else can.

Friends can only support, family can only encourage, love ones can only give hope... but you'll do the rest of the work. For me, it's not really necessary to have someone by your side, to hear someone's encouraging quotes just so you could heal... those might just lead you to hope for an impossible, might mislead you, and might cause you more trauma.

"I don't think so..." mahina kong boses na sabi, "I... I want to stay here, ayaw ko nang umalis."

He moves closer, leaving no space between us. He suddenly slid the side of his head on my shoulder. I am only wearing a tube top, so I can feel his hair on my naked skin.

"Is it because of him?" His pained voice kills me inside.

I remained silent, just staring at his face on the portrait. Someone will bring you back, and that's not me. And I believe that-that someone... is yourself. You shouldn't change for someone. No. That's not right.