ONE MONTH LATER
I take a deep breath before I start playing the keyboard. This was a new feeling, but I was going to overcome it.
There's no reason, there's no rhyme. I found myself blindsided by, a feeling that I've never known. I'm dealing with it on my own.
Phone is quiet, walls are bare. I drink myself to sleep, who cares. No one even has to know, I'm dealing with it on my own.
I play the notes to one of my favorite songs. For the past month, Malibu Nights by LANY, has been on repeat.
It's been helping with the break up with Colby. I honestly miss the shit out of him.
I got way too much time to be this hurt. Somebody help, it's getting worse. What do you do with a broken heart?
Once the light fades, everything is dark. Way too much whiskey in my blood, I feel my body giving up.
Can I hold on for another night? What do I do with all this time?
I haven't heard much from Colby recently, but I keep in touch with Sam. It breaks my heart because he says Colby's not too good.
They talked, and Colby realized that Brynn really was trying to manipulate him. And he feels bad that it worked.
I tried to message him but he won't answer, probably for the best.
Heavy thoughts when it gets late, put me in a fragile state. I wish I wasn't going home, dealing with it on my own.
I'm praying but it's not enough. I'm done I don't believe in love. Learning how to let it go, I'm dealing with it on my own.
For the past month, I spend every night driving through Malibu, blasting music.
It doesn't help me forget though. Forget that I made a mistake.
I finish playing the song, inhaling a deep breath. I frown towards the camera as Crawford turned it off.
"You were really good, Nessa." He reassured me. I'm super thankful for him throughout this.
He's stuck by my side and helped me. He's even rode around with me at night.
"Thanks, Crawfish. Hopefully people like it." I get up from the chair so I can start editing.
I was going to try to edit it and publish it today before the Halloween party.
I wasn't in the mood to go, but Crawford and Devin begged me to go with them.
It's going to be at the C4 house so I'm going to know a lot of people.
Around three thirty, I finally finished editing and published the video. I made sure to tweet that I posted and leaned back in my chair.
I could feel arms wrap around my neck. I looked to see it was Crawford. "I'm proud of you, Nessa." I smiled and softened up.
"Thanks, bub." We hang out in my room for the next few hours.
We mainly spend it scrolling through the comments and reading them out loud to each other.
For years, I was scared to sing in front of the camera. I don't know why I suddenly wanted to do it.
I'm happy I did because everyone was shocked and telling me how good I was. It honestly made me feel super good.
Around five thirty, the three of us started to get ready. Devin and I were dressing up as Frat Boys.
It was simple but easy. I had on spandex shorts with a large button up.
We straightened our hair and put on baseball caps, making sure they're backwards.
Crawford was Woody from Toy Story so when we saw him, we started laughing.
I just couldn't help it. We listened to music on the way, but we made a pit spot to get alcohol.
I got Whiskey knowing that's what I've been drinking recently. We get to the house pretty early so I made sure to make my rounds.
Devin and I take pictures in the backyard together so we could post them on instagram.
An hour into being there, everyone was starting to come. I was already starting to drink the Whiskey so I was feeling it.
I was sitting on the couch, talking to Crawford when I noticed was Devin missing.
"Where's Devin?" I ask over top of the loud music. Crawford scanned the room, looking for the red head.
After a second, I see his eyes stop. "She's talking to Colby." I snap my head in their direction.
I haven't seen Colby since the break up. My heart races whenever I see him, I just can't tell if it's good or not.
He looks different than when I saw him last. He looks skinner, like he hasn't ate much. I can't stop looking at him.
Even though we're broken up, I still think he's attractive. I don't think I'll ever not think he's attractive.
Even though we broke up, everyones still friends. Devin and Crawford tried to get me to come over when he's not there, but I won't.
It hurts too much knowing he broke things off. He looked towards me causing me to look away.
"Why is she talking to Colby?" I question Crawford. He looked at me softly while sighing.
"I think you know why." I started shaking my head towards him. Before I could say anything, he was walking towards us.
My heart was pounding in my chest. He looked at me the whole time he walked over to us.
He lightly smiled when he came up. When I was looking into his ocean blue eyes, all I could see was pain.
"Hi, Vanessa." I miss how he would call me Vanny. "Hi." I simply say.
"Do you care if we go somewhere quieter to talk?" He asked. That's the thing about Colby, I don't know how to say no.
I nod my head yes and get up from the couch. I follow him outside and to an area where no one was at.
We both sat down, not knowing what to say to each other. "I saw your youtube cover today." He speaks up while making conversation.
"You did?" I ask looking at him, not wanting to believe it. He nodded his head.
"It was really good. I'm really proud of you. I know you were always scared to do that." I smiled a little bit.
It was sweet he said that. "Thanks, Colby. It means a lot." I tell him honestly.
We sit there for a moment, not saying anything. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything.
"I'm sorry." He apologized. I snap my head towards him with my eyebrows furrowed.
I could tell he meant it. He was thinking back while picking at his fingers.
I can tell he's really upset about it. "I should've known something was seriously wrong when you were pushing me away." He remembered back.
"She was telling me shit and with you shutting me out, I was just feeding in it." I could hear the pain in his voice.
I was a little drunk from the whiskey but I was feeling all the emotions. I was tearing up hearing him talk like this.
I shake my head towards him. "I should've told you and let you in. I was just so scared, I was blinded." I cry a little bit.
I felt him wrap him arms around me, pulling me closer into his chest. It still feels safe in his arms.
I tried to control my breathing. "Will you forgive me for being an idiot?" I laugh a little bit at his question.
I raise my head up while wiping my tears. "This past month without you has been hell, I don't want to live anymore without you."
Yes, I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true. I've grown attached to Colby during these past few months.
He looks at me softly like he understands. He takes a strand of my hair and tucks it in my ear.
"Fresh start?" He asked as I nodded my head towards the brunette.
Maybe coming here was a good idea.
