𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍 | 𝟏𝟖+

𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄

10 years later...

❦

SOFIA STARKOV
I'm slowly forgetting her. It pains me to think about it, but the truth hurts, and I can't deny it. Ten years ago today, my mother died holding me in her arms while my grandmother cut her open to save my baby brother-something my mother promised us to do.

I remember a lot of things from my childhood, at least the ones I spent with my dad and brother. The ones before that have slowly begun to fade as I get older, and I can't stop it.

I remember my mother's voice most of all and her smile which is only because my brother has the same one, and her hair, the way it smelled like roses and almost mocked the color of snow... like my brothers. But those are just her, what I'm really forgetting is the moments we had together.

They are slowly slipping away like sand between my fingers and it's all getting replaced with nightmares of bad moments we spent together. I'm not close to my brother because of it, it's hard to look at him and not be reminded of her or the sacrifice she had to make for him to even be here right now.

Greif is a tricky thing, isn't it?

Dad struggles the most I think, I remember how much he screamed when he found Mamma, and I remember how he shut off the second his knees hit the floor outside of the exploding mansion.

I was standing on the other side of a corner of the hallway where he and Silas talked in. My dad chanted to him about how he couldn't do it without her, how he wanted Silas to take me and my brother when he... ended it. I ran and cried after that, cursing my brother for the pain he caused us.

What I didn't expect was for my dad to walk back to the group with my brother in his arms, ready to step up for the both of us. I envy him for that. For being able to force himself to adapt without my mother.

Sometimes when my brother wouldn't stop crying, he would sit on the beach and just cry too. He begged the stars to please stop his suffering and surprisingly, my brother would stop crying in his arms and be sound asleep.

There were worse nights, though, ones I don't want to think about and ones that dad will never let Lev know about when he's older.

I saw how much he had been hurting for the last ten years and to make it easier for him, I acted like I was okay. Like I didn't suffer from nightmares or insomnia at some point. I even got much better at hacking, all with the help of Ghost.

My Shadow as I like to call him.

Ghost has been watching me for years now, we stayed in contact, and I even got him to help my father escape the cell all those years ago and get me the code to my mother's cell. 17 months ago, he stopped contacting me, he even missed my 18th birthday last month.