That's why I..

Chapter Fifty Nine

Lexa POV 

Most of the time when the commanders speak to me it is in my sleep and I don't have much control over what I do while I'm asleep so Clarke has convinced me to try and do it through meditation. I have successfully done this before a couple of times but I can never be left alone for long enough to relax enough to do it often. This is already going to be a challenge because I'm trying to be relaxed and well, we all know how that goes. 

"Just remember, don't worry about speaking to the commanders, just see if you can walk out the door" Clarke says in her calmest voice. She has made such an effort to make me feel comfortable she has lit almost every candle that I have to give the room a good ambiance. I am sitting cross legged at the end of my bed and Clarke is sitting opposite me with her knees touching mine. She made sure to give everyone very strict instructions that no one may enter my room or make too much noise outside. Wanheda has alot of respect within the grounders so they generally do what she says without asking too many questions which is perfect for us since I'm not sure many people would understand what we say we're doing. 

It is about 2 hours later before I finally manage to relax enough to be taken into the room with the commanders. In fact, I try so hard to get to the door as quickly as I can that everything fades away and I'm back in the room with Clarke before I can do anything. 

"What did you see?" Clarke asks excitedly
"Nothing. I was so focussed on getting to the door I stopped relaxing" I respond feeling defeated 
"But you could actually stand up and move?" Clarke asks, trying to find a positive side to our efforts this far 
"Yes. It felt odd but it wasn't hard." I respond as I suddenly wonder why I've never seen any of the past commanders getting up and moving about. Perhaps they already know what is beyond the door and have decided staying put is better. Or they know there's no point in trying since the door leads nowhere. This thought fills me with a new sense of disappointment
"Hey. It's okay. We can try again. We have all of the time in the world. And if we don't get it today before you get too tired then we can try again tomorrow. I believe in you Lexa. Ai hod yu in (I love you)." Clarke says as she rubs her hands on my thighs. She can obviously see that I am upset and disappointed. My whole life I have been able to hide my emotions from everybody, even Costia, but with Clarke, I feel like she can see through the commander outer shell to who I really am on the inside all the time. I haven't felt like that since I got taken away from my parents. 
"Ai laik noseim raun Yu. Ai laik Ai kom Yu. Ai hod yu in Klark kom Skaikru (I am differnt around you. I am me with you. I love you Clarke of the skypeople)" I say, turning my thoughts into words for Clarke to hear. She smiles a warm and happy smile and leans in to kiss me. Now I feel totally at peace. 

After my moment with Clarke, I find it much easier to visit the commanders. Once in the meeting room I wait before moving and ask the commanders why they have never moved around before. They all sit in silence and shurg, looking at each other to know what to say. I am about to give up hope and go to the door when I voice I hear very rarely speaks from standing in a dark corner of the room. I hadn't even noticed she was there until now. 
"Because they have seen what is outside the door and are not interested. They have long sonce forgotten that there even was a door" Becca Pramheda says moving into the light. I bow to her instantly. She is the second person I have ever bowed to. The first, of course, being Clarke. 
"Fos Heda. Ai badan op yu raun Ai gonplei en ste odon (the first commander. I serve you in my fight and when it's over)" I say formally 
"Oh get up" Becca says and helps me to my feet. I am in awe but I must stay focussed. 
"Heda, what is outside the door?" I ask tentatively. 
"The technology inside of you is the second version of ALIE's code Lexa. I didn't completely change it. The good parts I kept the same and changed the murderous stuff. I created the city of life so that everyone could live without the treat of overpopulation, pollution or death. It is a good thing that can be used for people who physically cannot or do not want to thrive within the reality we have. I kept most of that code in the second version but added a slight change. The person inside the city can choose where they are placed. If you wish to be with other people, the user need only decide to occupy the same place as them. You are in the tower in Polis because that is where the previous commanders have chosen to be. If you wish, you can walk out those doors and be in the hallway just outside those doors just like in Polis, or you could visit the city of light. You have ALIE's technology but she doesn't have yours. You will be able to see everything but she will not see you. So what will you choose Heda?" she says like she hasn't just given me the key to stopping ALIE from the inside. I am in shock and don't know what to do. I need to talk to Clarke. 

"So since the moment you ascended you could have been spending time in the City of Light just because you chose to be?" Clarke asks in just as much shock and awe as I am 
"Mhmm" is all I can manage to say, I am thinking so intensely about the our plan. 
"So where going right. The best way to stop ALIE is from the inside." Clarke says matter of factly 
"I will be going to the City of light yes. Under the protection of the Flame I should be able to find the kill switch and shut it down" I respond, emphasising the word I 
"Come on Lexa. You know we work better together and I understand the technology that we're talking about. I'll just get one of the chips from Jaha and meet you there" she sounds so hopeful 
"No ai hodnes. Becca Pramheda said that noone in the city will be able to see me. You wouldn't be able to help me and you would give your mind and knowledge over to ALIE in the process. I'm sorry but I have to do this alone" I say while pulling Clarke into an embrace to try and cheer her up. She pouts in a cute sort of way and snuggles herself further into me. It is just when I think she is about to fall asleep that I hear her crying into my chest. I pull her face up to meet mine.
"What is it Clarke?"
"What if I never see you again?" she says through tears
"You'll be right there with my body the whole time. I'm not going anywhere just meditating, just like I was before. I will be safe." I respond, sounding a little more like the commander and less like the loving girlfriend I was going for but it seems to calm Clarke partially
"Promise?"
"I promise. How could I leave such a wonderful life I have with you without at least a little bit of a fight?" she chuckles at this and goes back to leaning into my chest. In the morning we will inform Raven of the plan to see if she can do anything to help me find the kill switch once I am in the city of light.