That's why I..

Chapter Forty Six

Lexa POV

"Clarke, hodnes (love), I know you will probably don't want to but I think you should go and see a healer. You didn't sleep much last night, you threw up the only food you've eaten in 3 weeks and you are covered in cuts that could be harmful."

I watch as Clarke's happy expression at my love for her turns to fear and worry.

"You do not want to see a male healer?" I question, knowing what she is thinking in her head. She shakes her head, no. Her once confident personality has now shrunk into a scared, frail little girl. It is at this moment that I really take in her body. She is skinny, very skinny. There's hardly any nest left on her bones. Her hair is matted and dreaded in an unusual style. There are dark rings under her eye and her body is covered head to toe in small cuts that look excruitatingly painful. The worst part by far is her eyes. If you look deep enough into her beautiful blue eyes you can see her shattered soul and how broken she is on the inside. Standing there taking it all in makes me want to weep for her but I can't. I must be strong for Clarke.

We don't have any female healers. How do I tell her that? Perhaps she already knows. The closest thing we've got is Abby but she's in the dungeon and there is absolutely no way I am letting her anywhere near Clarke. I am stuck for what to do.

Clarke must see how puzzled I am because she walks slowly over to me and takes my hands in hers. She squeezes my hands gently, silently asking me to tell her what's on my mind.

"We don't have any female healers and I don't know what to do to help you" I manage to choke out in one breath before I crumple to the floor and break down.

Clarke sits down on the floor and scoops me up in her arms and hold me while I weep. She urges me to let out what I am feeling more so that I don't bottle anything up. So I do.

"You are so broken Clarke. Not only physically but mentally too. I can see it in your eyes. I want to help you get better but I have no idea how." I manage to get out, slightly broken up by sobs.

"Oh baby. I love you so much. We can work though this together. Tell me what you see and then we can work together to fix it all up. One small step at a time." she says then kisses my head.

I tell her what I see and she gives me a concerned look. She clearly hadn't realised how under the weather she looks.

"Okay the first thing we need to deal with are the cuts. If those get infected I will get sick and I could die." this gets a small gasp in reaction from me.

"I need you to go down to the healers rooms and get some disinfectant uh liquid... Its a bottle of liquid. And then some bandages as well. The disinfectant we got from Mount Weather so we should have some and if we don't just bring back any kind of alcohol instead."

I rush away and get what is required. I cannot find any disinfectant but I do find a party that was still happening from last night. It is only early morning still. When I enter the party almost everyone is passed out so I just take a bottle of alcohol and leave without saying a word.

When I get back to my room I am shocked by what I find. Clarke has cut off all of her hair using my dagger and now has very very short hair in random different lengths around her head. She still looks beautiful. Her hair is not the bit that shocked me though. She is sitting naked on our bed. It takes me a moment to recover.

I bandage up most of Clarke's more serious cuts with the help of Clarke telling me what to do. Then Clarke tells me there is nothing we can do about the sleep and the eating just comes down to her eating little amouts and eating slowly and working her way back into food.

"Now that we have that sorted" she says "I want to go and see my mother"