That's why I..

Chapter Sixteen

Clarke POV

Lunch is over quickly after our short conversation about Trikru ways. Lexa is significantly quieter than usual and doesn't even look me in the eyes and smile like she usually does when I took her hand in the elevator up to her room. Instead she just took my hand and looked at the floor. I am worried for what is going to happen when we get back to her room. Lexa is always very conscious about her image when we are in public. Even when we are roaming the halls of Heda's tower she always is in her commander mode. The only place she ever shows true emotion is in her room. In private.

When we arrive back to her room Lexa let's me walk through the door first, just like always. She is so courteous when it comes to things like that.

I decide that I is best not to ask her anything or to talk to her at all. She seems like she doesn't want to talk much at all right now anyway. Instead I take both of her hands in mine, her gaze leaves the floor for the first time since we left lunch and she looks me in the eyes. There is a deep sadness within her that I can see, her eyes are glistening with tears. I reach up and brush a piece of hair out of her face and put it behind her ear. I keep my hand there and cup her jaw gently. I know that Lexa likes physical contact with someone when she is upset or distressed. A hug, hold hands, just being close to each other so we are touching, she loves it. It makes her feel safe and warm. That is why she held my hand every night after I got stabbed.

I am about to whisper some reassurances to her when she pushes me away "How long can someone survive without food or water, Clarke" She has her commander voice on again. She is trying to shut herself off.

"Approximately a week without water. More like 3 weeks if he has water and no food" I reply whilst slowly walking forward closing the gap between us. Lexa backs away, she knows that if I console her her emotions will be real.

"Very well then. Titus has one week to teach Gia or the future of the flame dies with him." She says as she side steps me and makes a bee line for the other side of the room "Any Questions surrounding the matter. I do not wish to speak of it again after this moment"

"Actually Heda I do have one question." I bow when I call her Heda. I know Lexa hates it when I do that but I want her to realise how badly she is shutting me out right now. "Titus said he was my kill. I understand that he has crimes against me, he did try and kill me and all but does he not have crimes against you as well. Just like when Quint tried to kill me back before Maunon (Mount Weather) just before we got attacked by the Pauna. Back then you said 'Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op (attack her and you attack me)'. Does that not still apply now. I am still under the commanders protection."

"You are correct Clarke. Titus has gone against the commanders protection order but he is still your kill. Just like Quint. He was not my kill that day, the Pauna just happened to get there before we did. Only you can kill him. Of course if you don't want to then you can pass the right onto whoever you wish but that has to be done in a formal ceremony. I can have that organised it you wish"

I nod in understandment. "We are done here." Lexa says as if I am in a meeting with her that has just finished. I am not one of her subjects. She cannot push me away, she needs to face her feelings.

"No Lexa we're not" I say walking up behind her as she stares out the window, looking out over Polis. She turns around just as I get to her. I intertwine my fingers with her and give her a loving stare, letting her know that it is okay and I am here for her. "I am not one of your subjects, I'm your girlfriend. You need to face your emotions not hide from them and shut me out" With this Lexa breaks down in tears. I pull her into me in a hug and she sinks into it. She sobs into my shoulder until I decide that it is probably time we sit down so that we can talk about this. I pull away and Lexa looks up confused "Its okay I'm right here I just thought we should sit down. Come follow niron (loved one)" I reassure Lexa and lead her to the couch sitting in our room. By the time we get there Lexa has composed herself.

"I cannot cry over him. He is a criminal and tried to kill the love of my life after poisoning my brain with his teachings for years. He is an evil man." Lexa says, wiping away tears from her eyes.

"He may be my love but he is also the man who raised you. He was your father figure for your entire life and you love him. You have just sentenced this man to death. I understand entirely why you are upset." This causes Lexa to begin crying again. "Come here" I saw holding my arms out wide for her. She snuggles into my arms, still sobbing, and I lay down on the couch so that Lexa is laying in between my legs with her head rested  on my chest.

"I'm sorry" Lexa splutters between sobs.

"For what?"

"For treating you like a subject. I am not your commander I am your girlfriend." She murmurs into my shirt, her face still buried just above my breasts.

"Oh Honey! I love you" I say and kiss her in the head. Even when I am supposed to be looking after her, she still worries about me and even apologises for something as trivial as that.

"I don't deserve you" Lexa says as she looks up so her gaze meets mine. I smile at her and she breaks away, settling back into our snuggle.

As we lay, I and tracing random patterns on Lexa's back and she  slowly stops crying. We lay like this until Lexa's breathing steadies, indicating she has fallen asleep. I look down at my beautiful sleeping girlfriend and then close my eyes, letting myself drift off quickly.