That's why I..

Chapter Forty

Lexa POV **TW Rape mentioned***

"What do you mean 'after what Pike did'?" I question and I feel heat rising through my stomach. What did Pike do? Octavia told me that Pike had chained Clarke up, beat her and she wasn't eating. If Octavia did know more, I understand why she didn't tell me. I remember how I was and it was hard enough to keep me calm after being told that.

"Lexa, I need you to look at me right now" Clarke says quietly, trying to calm me down. She shouldn't be the one calming me down. I should be trying to soothe her. I look her in her ocean blue eyes and see the sadness that she is trying not to show. I can see into her soul and I can we that she is broken in many ways that I've never seen before.

"I need you to tell me exactly what Octavia told you" I can here in her voice that she is trying to be as emotionless as possible so she can get it out without cracking.

"She told me Pike locked you up, beat you and wasn't feeding you" I answer honestly trying not to make my voice crack when I talk.

"Lexa, how crutial is it that you go and meet the others in the throne room because I am about to tell you something bad and I don't think you should go seeing anybody after I've told you" Clarke words are precise and very measured. I am slowly getting more and more worried. Clarke has never been afraid to show her emotions to me but right now she is hiding her hurt from me but not quite well enough because I can see mountains of hurt and pain cascading behind her glassy, emotionless eyes.

I consider my actions and then decide that I cannot leave Clarke here and anything I do with other people will just be tainted with worry. However I can't just leave them waiting in the throne room for me.

"Brutus!" I call to the guard who is standing at the door. The same guard who last saw my girlfriend before she stepped back inside the walls of Arkadia.

He steps inside the door "Sha, Heda? (yes commander)

"Go to the throne room and tell the Skaikru people that Clarke and I are safe and in our room and if there is anything pressing they need to say they are to ask me tomorrow or talk to Indra. Please show them to some rooms. You will need 3 different rooms possibly 2 depending on what Raven and Murphy think of sleeping in the same room."

With that Brutus nods politely and leaves to do his duty. I turn back to Clarke, who is now sitting, once he leaves. She does not look comfortable sitting but her face portrays she is serious about this conversation. I take her hands in mine and squeeze them tightly to support her. Normally she would relax at this gesture but today she doesn't. She sits stiff and unmoved by my hands in her. She looks through me. Almost like she thinks that if our eyes meet she will break her composure. I think this is what it must have been like to talk to my after Costia.

"Now I need you to promise that you will not over react or get super angry. I need your support to get through this because this is hard for me." Clarke says

I nod understandingly and appreciate that she is showing her weakness to me. I know that can be hard sometimes. I squeeze her hands again in a silent promise, scared that my voice might break.

She takes a deep breath and begins.
"Pike raped me. At least 15 times."

I feel my jaw drop straight to the floor and my eyes well as soon as the words come out of her mouth. I tighten my grip on her hands and try to do anything at all give her support but nothing I do seems to help.

It is probably the middle of the night when Clarke stops telling me what happened in detail and I have never felt more furious. I also feel sick and guilty. I cannot believe I let her into that place without any protection. She had Octavia but there was nothing she could do to stop Clarke getting arrested and if she did know about this she would have done everything in her power to get Clarke out safely.

"We need to get a healer to see you right away" I say looking her over with my eyes. She is covered in cuts from head to toe and is probably needing help with other things too. Perhaps a healer would be good to help her deal with what has happened as well. I know Nyko is very good at healing the soul and the mind as well as healing the body. "We will go to see Nyko tomorrow" I say finally after a moment of thinking.

"Nyko? No we can't, we can't!" Clarke practically screams before standing up to walk away from me but she begins to collapse from pain a few steps later. I catch her before she falls to the floor and carry her to the bed. I lay her down gently and place a kiss on her forehead

"No Nyko. I'm sorry niron (loved one) I didn't think about that. Would you rather a female healer?" I ask. She nods her head slowly before she begins to weep. I get under the furs next to her and hold her tight to let her know that I am here for her no matter what.

After a while of just sitting there while she wept Clarke speaks "I don't want to sleep. My dreams will be clouded with him. Will you just sit with me?" she snuffles

"Anything for you my love" I say and I kiss her head before I start to hum a peaceful tune to calm her.