𝑰 𝑴 𝑨 𝑮 𝑰 𝑵 𝑬 𝑺 • 𝑩.𝑬.

xanny to feel better

TW⚠️: mentions of drug use and struggles of addiction. read if you feel comfortable but please skip if needed. your well being is always more important.

if you are/know someone dealing with and struggling with addiction, be patient with them and get them help.

Call/Text your local crisis line. I'm so sorry that I cannot add them here. I know that not everyone lives in the U.S so I didn't want to exclude any numbers. Overall I didn't want to spread any misinformation with this.

Please reach out for help if needed. Take care ❤️

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Y/N pov
I knew I had an addiction. At least thats what my brother, Shawn, and my girlfriend, Billie, keep telling me. I didn't know how much it affected people til today. I've seen my mom cry and my brother show me a side I don't see often from him. It broke my heart and caused me to interpret the situation in a different light. It hurt to see him act so, softly and worried.

He's acted out of anger too. Yelling, fights, invasion of privacy. I've had so many arguments with Billie too. Today was just different. I'm not addicted to crack or anything it's just Xans. Literal anxiety pills. I take more than I should, all at once at once. It makes me feel so good.

The first high i've ever gotten made me feel like everything I had ever worried about just floated away. That pressure was gone. I knew that I was destroying myself but I felt like I deserved it so, I didn't care.

"Babe," I tilt my head up from laying in Billie's lap as she calls out to me.
"your mom doesn't buy that nasty ass sparkling water anymore right?"

"No." I chuckle.

"Okay thank fucking God I'm gonna go get some water." She pats my thigh and I sit up allowing her to get up.

I wait til I see her go out of my bedroom and down the stairs to run into my bathroom. It's not like i'm popping pills in secret, you know. Billie knew I was taking them. I just... don't feel like getting a lecture so I often choose to take them when she leaves.

I open the cabinet and as I finally get the cap off of this goddamn bottle, Billie came skipping back into my room. I saw her goofy smile fade into a frown as she saw what I was doing.

"What the fuck y/n."

I was surprised at her anger. She approaches me in the bathroom.

"Bil-"

"No save it. You promised you'd stop." She whines.

"I need them."

"No you don't." Billie looks down into my palm and her eyebrow raises.

"That's three more than usual." She states sternly.

I didn't know she kept note. I didn't know she could even see the pills that good from that far away. Five. I was taking five. I looked down at my feet.
I felt shame. I can't believe I've come to this point. Hiding from my girlfriend at ever chance she leaves just to pop pills. I stared at my hand. I didn't even know how much I had started to take. I just kept adding to make the feeling come back.

"Can you get out?" I say softly.

"What?"

"Of the bathroom." I continue.

"Why? Its not like I haven't already seen you take the fucking pills."

"Because I seem to get interrogated every fucking time." I spit back.

"Why do you think I do it? I hate yelling at you but I do." Billie gives me the same tone back.

"Oh my God fuck off, Billie!" I speak in a crescendo.

I stay quiet as she screamed at me, hoping she'd give up and walk out. She didn't so I turned away, facing the sink and reached out to the cup of water.

"Y/N just put it down." I ignore her and lift my hand up to my mouth, allowing the pills to fall onto my tongue.

"Swallow that shit and we're over." She says simply.

I look at her in the mirror. There's clear desperation in my eyes as I battle with myself for a few moments. She watches me through the mirror as I contemplate. I listen to the loud silence as I think. This is all so fucking selfish. If I take these, I'm truly allowing myself to become an addict by choosing drugs over the most important person in my life.

I wasn't addicted, right? Was I?

I'd still need to break up with her anyways. I can't drag her down with me. That's selfish.

I rip my eyes away from her and look at myself as I down the glass of water. I knew i'd just lost my entire purpose. I lost my whole way of life. I lost Billie. I couldn't look at her. When I do, I had expected her to scream at me but she didn't. She looked sad and just hugged me. I don't know why I cried but I did. I cried into her neck. I pulled away after I realized that the tears were enough to fill a river. I slid onto the bathroom floor, leaning my back against the sink's cabinet. Billie shushed me and sat on my lap, letting me cry into her still.

After my breathing had calmed, I held her sides and looked at her pretty eyes.

"Are you leaving?" I asked.

I knew she would. I was just numb and asking to hurt myself more.

"No baby." She caressed my face with the pads of her thumb.

"You aren't?"

I lift my head from her touch to look at her directly. She shakes her head no.

"Im here for you. Don't you ever forget that, y/n."

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a/n:  this is apart of another imagines book i have... they're all titled with emojis. this one was a simple pill emoji. had to name it xanny because... how can i not.

this story was written two years ago i believe or sometime in 2019. it was inspired by a dialogue in euphoria. i think i have another that was heavily inspired by that season 1 episode 2 i believe. might publish. its super similar to this.

this chapter is not meant to bash, shame, or romanticize drug abuse. it is meant to bring awareness and represent a real life situation. chapters like this are very heavily inspired by Euphoria. i feel very passionate in the work they did there to bring awareness and show people that drug abuse is more than a stigma.

once again please, please be patient with anyone struggling with addiction. whether that be yourself or another. do not be ashamed to reach out for help. it gets so much easier after that first call or text.

take care❤️