𝘚𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘏𝘰𝘰𝘥

23

Onika Pov

As always, i'm pinned as the person in the wrong. Everyone is telling me how i'm wrong for leaving because of the children. Yes I understand their attachment to me, but at the same time, neither of them are mine. What about me? And I would NEVER use that against them. Ever.

I love Bella and Omar so much, but I feel like it's time that I focus on myself. Learn my worth and get to know who I really want to be in life. Instead of going by what they say and what they want me to do. It's beyond unfair. I've been doing that forever.

Why can't I want better for me? I am trying my best, day by day. Fighting battles with my mind about my past. Trying to forget and forgive. That shit is hard. Going back to Houston brought up so much shit inside of me. Shit that I thought I let go of.

Like being raped at 12. I started dreaming about it again. My friend Daniel dying, that came back to my mind. It's just so much! Not to down them, but they wouldn't survive going through half the shit I do.

My mind started telling me that if I would've stayed in New York, my brother would still be here.

I deserve to tend to myself for a while. At least a little bit of time away. If not permanent. Never said I wouldn't see them again. They're taking this whole thing out of proportion. Flipping it all on me. Making me feel bad for the decisions I chose. I can never win. Ever.

I'm pregnant for one. I should be enjoying this as it is my first pregnancy. Thought we would be having fun and doing cute little family shit. But it doesn't look like that'll be happening. I'll be alone.

They're all mad at me so I have no choice.

I sighed heavily and laid back in the bed. There isn't shit else for me to do. I'm supposed to be looking for apartments, but that whole thing killed that. I don't know what I want to do. Am I going back because they're upset? Or do I continue to put myself first? I'm confused right now.

They're all I have.

I've talked to Melony, Kayla and Rashad. They told me to put myself first and figure out what I want to do on my own. Not worrying about anyone else's feelings. They believe that I need a break and really deserve it. It's crazy how your friends can want better for you than your own family.

Whatever.

I shouldn't have expected more.

They're only upset because I didn't tell them I was coming back here. I know they would've came with me. Like they're in their way right now. Loading the plane or already on it. I love them so much.

This feels like i'm falling into a bad place again. Like I have no control over this. It's going to hit and i'll have to deal with it. I know my friends have my back, but that doesn't stop my inner self.

The things that my mind projects. I feel my appetite leaving slowly and my energy fading away. I'll be stuck in the bed not wanting to move all over again. It goes back to my teenage self. I felt like I had finally gotten away, just for it all to catch back up to me.

I can't say that i'm completely right in this. But i'm sure that i'm at least 80% right.
*
"Kayla no...I don't think you going off on them will change anything. It's always been like this so they'll just be confused."

"But that's not right Nic. They trynna get on you because they don't want to listen to what you're saying. The women are on your side babe."

"Thank you...but still. It won't change a thing. Beyoncé called me selfish and basically said fuck me. It doesn't even matter anymore. She showed the side she's on and i'm done. Time to focus on myself and my child growing inside of me. I deserve happiness, and if that means to leave them all alone, I will. She hasn't said a thing about the baby to me..just how i'm selfish for leaving them. We had a whole argument in messages..."

They shook their heads and was just there for me. I didn't have to keep explaining or crying. It's like they just knew. Keeping me laughing and smiling. I'd forgotten all about that until Bey called me.

If I hadn't felt so bad, I would've ignored it. It's not Bella because she would've called me herself. Plus it wasn't face time.

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to come off at you like that....Nika please just come back. You're pregnant with my child and I want to be around for that."

"I know you do...But you're not getting that the more you're in these streets and let them tear you down, you won't be here at all. Every time you leave out for that, you come back with a new whole or scratch in your ass. A body can only take so much."

"I'm out....We all are. Mama beat the shit out of me for saying that to you. Mr.Maraj threatened to beat my ass....I'm sorry. And i'm not just saying it because that happened, I really am. Even though them punches Mama gave knocked my wind away..."

"Prove to me you're done...All of you. If I call Dina, will she tell me the same thing?"

"Her messy ass right here."

Dina will for sure tell the truth. She vowed to never lie to me after all that happened when I first came back. I would like to believe that she's my sister and I can trust her.

We're both pregnant so we should stick together with this.

"Hello..Nika they out baby...For real. It was hard, but they did it. Not that they had to do much. They acted like it was so damn hard to drop the streets and make amends with the crips. But they wanted to make amends too. Said the beef was going on far too long and it was pointless just killing each other's people off. Now they'll never be cool, meaning stepping on their territory won't be nice. But it's over. We can walk around safely."

"How you know it'll be safe? There's always that one person with a grudge."

"All we can do is pray."

This is what I mean. I want certainty. But I guess it's one step at a time.

Luckily I hadn't started going to work yet. So my stuff is still in Houston. Maybe me leaving was really dramatic but oh well. I got what I wanted and that's the safety of my family. To live normally.

Hearing that they're at least out is exciting, but is it permanent? I know they can hear one thing and will run out in a heartbeat. That's what I don't want.

My phone started buzzing and I pulled it from my ear. They were texting me individually saying 'i'm out.' It went on for so long until it finally stopped .

"Everyone texted me saying they're out."

"Because we are...We promise you baby. Now come home and stop being so fucking stubborn please. You didn't even have to go way back to New York for real."

"I did. Y'all were taking me as a fucking joke when I was dead ass. But i'm not coming back right away."

"What you mean you not?"

"I need time to myself Bey.."

"You're pregnant with my child, there's not such thing as time to yourself. Either you come here, or I come there. Chose. Because i'm not missing time with my child."

"Ok...Bring my baby...I just need time away from Houston. Being there brought back memories that I thought were gone forever. Let me gain my happiness back."

"Ok. We'll be there by tomorrow. We love you and will see you soon."

"Love you too. Bye."