Paper Dolls

Chapter 11

26/1/2019

Dear Eun Young, 

I'm a little drunk right now and this may come off as a rant. I'm not sure if this letter will ever come to you. I may bin it once I'm done but I need to get this off my chest so I'm writing it down anyway. 

Everyone always says if you love your job, it will feel like you're not even working. I have to admit, when it comes to you it really doesn't feel like work. 

You would be surprised with the amount of money I've been able to earn only by loving you, by monitoring you. It's insane, but when the so called normal people learn this they say I'm a 'stalker'. 

Can you believe that? The only person I've ever confided in was my sister. I was drunk and it wasn't my proudest moment but when she asked how I was able to buy her the latest iPhone model I admitted to my second job. 

And then she called me a stalker despite accepting my present and keeping it to this day. 

I've been more careful ever since. People can be so judgemental. They think I'm a creep for following you around snapping pictures and gathering valuable information but they themselves have their own addictions. 

Smoking, gambling, sex addiction. At least mine makes me some money and more importantly brings me closer to you.

And I would hardly call myself a stalker. I've been in proximity with you countless times, once on a plane, a few times at the supermarket and of course at air ports, signings and concerts. 

I've never disturbed you once. Never threatened your safety. I doubt you even knew I was there watching, so close I could have leaned in and ran my fingers through your hair. 

And I'm never the only one. There are so many others like me, all adoring fans who just want some memorabilia of you to cherish on a day to day basis. 

What's wrong with a picture or two? What's wrong with wanting to be in close proximity with someone who makes waking up everyday bearable. 

I don't see any harm in that and the private IG accounts have been flourishing ever since I uploaded that private flight information of your November schedule. Somebody somewhere has to make money right? 

I mean you would understand that, I'm sure. We all need to make a living and I'm just lucky I get to do it by doing what I love. 

I'm sorry, I know you wouldn't be happy with that but I was running short that particular month and needed the extra cash. People pay crazy amounts of money for things like this. I remember your phone number sold for almost three hundred thousand won that day. 

It's crazy but that's just the problem. Being near you is an expensive hobby, sometimes I can't afford it especially with my part time job at QBS. 

Selling this information is the only way I can afford to be close to you. I actually hate sharing your information. When you cried on that VLive that day I felt really bad about someone calling your number and harassing you, making you change it every week. 

Although, I may not have been the one to sell that particular number, I've done it before and I really want to stop. 

But that's the thing about addictions. They creep up on you, sneak into your mind and thoughts and then burrow their way into your heart like an incurable disease. If I were to stop, my heart might just stop working.

I tried stopping Eun Young, I really did but my body is already in autopilot, it would never allow me to stop. It's like when I'm not concentrating on you I'm not living. 

I'm a zombie going to work, doing my job, making idle conversations with friends and then going to bed before starting the cycle the next day all over again. I would be dead inside without you. 

I guess this is why I'm writing about this. I'm drunk and I'm guilty. I feel you are just so perfect and right now I feel so flawed. 

I hope that one day when we finally meet and can be together that you will look past this. I have a feeling you will. You've always been understandable like that. 

I love you, Eun Young but right now this love feels so painful, so empty, so unreciprocated. I don't know how long I can't wait. 

Every moment near you is a temptation, the camera lens the only distance between us. At least if I focus on the business side of it, I can keep myself in check. 

The months are  passing by, I've actually started a countdown on the calendar in my room. Soon your contract will be over and I will finally approach you. Then we will live together happily and I will tell you everything. 

And I'm confident you will forgive me. Your fans have done so much worse, been so much ruder to you and you always forgive them in your concerts and personal Vlive messages. I've seen you do it a million times. 

And I have always been your biggest fan. 

Yours only, 

Hyeon