Paper Dolls

Chapter 40

Dear Eun Young, 

You've always brought me so much joy and happiness. Your music, your concerts, your vlives, all of it feeds my soul like nothing else. 

I don't even think meeting you in person and having a real conversation could make me happier than watching you when you perform. 

Sometimes I wonder if this will be the extent of our relationship. You the creator and me the consumer. Sometimes I lie in bed and stare at the posters of you on my bedpost. There are so many, they're all starting to overlap. 

I've seen you in person, Eun Young. I've smelt the misty ocean scent of your perfume. We were so close that day in that supermarket, I could have reached out and touched your hand. 

But that is precisely what scares me the most. What if our relationship right now is the full extent of what we will ever be? What if watching you is the closest I'll ever get.

I'm scared, so scared that the day I finally reach out will be the day I ruin everything. Right now I'm your biggest fan, I buy all your merchandise and watch every piece of content you put out. I manage a few of your fan accounts and I've personally built a small family of like minded individuals who would buy anything you ever produced. 

And you love me for it. I've heard you say so during your concerts and all those intimate vlive sessions you hold before you sleep. You love your fans and I'm your biggest one so that must mean that you love me the most, right?

I could have sworn I saw you looking directly at me that day at the Seoul concert. It was the opening show to your world tour and I'll never forget how you looked right into my eyes when you mentioned how your fans get you through the day. How you can't imagine living without us. 

Without me. 

You love me because I support you but what if that changes once we finally get to know each other. I know and love everything about you but you don't know me. And the thought of this changing sometimes paralyses me with fear. 

A part of me is so satisfied with what we have. I don't want things to change even though I know how the industry works. I know that one day you will retire and I will stop seeing your face everywhere. 

With your talent, you'll probably end up writing lyrics for younger singers or become a judge or a talk show host. Or maybe even go into acting. 

And then eventually there will be news about you getting married to either some prominent businessman, another celebrity or something along those lines. This is the part of the future I can't handle happening. 

I want to break it all up like a puzzle and then fit myself into it right next to you. 

I'm scared, Eun Young. I'm terrified that one day you'll be gone and then I'll be all alone again with no one to keep me company when I need it the most. No one to sing away my sorrows and distract me from the life I hate so much. 

I saw something today. Something I'm not so happy about and I never thought you would make me feel anger like this. When it comes to you, I've only ever felt happiness, appreciation and love. 

But today I felt something poisonous brewing inside, a potent sadness that felt like lead in my blood but most of all betrayal. 

Usually shipping videos are all nonsense. Fans pair their favourite idols together and try to convince themselves that they are in a relationship. They combine snippets of interviews, award shows and live videos all at the right moments that are meant to convince the viewer that those two celebrities are having a secret relationship. 

Sometimes they prove to be true, most of the time they aren't and things just get weird between the celebrities because obviously they've heard about it.