BOOK - 1 HunterXDragonex (HunterxHunter Fanfiction) [HIATUS]

Again..Not an Update.

[I don't own the picture.]

So I want to thank everyone who actually read my book. I'm honestly shocked you guys found it interesting as this was something I wrote back when I was in 12th grade.

Now I am going straight to business.

Why I haven't updated in so long?

This is something you guys may or may not be dying to know. You see, I was diagnosed with clinical depression during my college years. About 2 years ago I think. The psychiatrist said I had depression since way back, when I was around 10 years old. I didn't know if she was joking or what..but the way she put it it sounded important.

Fast forward, I started medication. Yes. Medication. No therapy..straight to medicine. My 1st medication dosage was powerful enough to knock out a horse.
It was unbearable but I couldn't complain as I wanted to get better.
So I kept going and the doctor kept increasing the dosage. The more and more he heard from me, the more meds I was prescribed. The medicines turned my mind mush...I could barely read, stand, talk...do anything. I grew fat..my weight sky rocketed. And you can guess, my academics too plummeted.

And I felt suffocated. I hated every minute of this treatment.

After an year, I wanted to quit medication, because anymore and I would've burst.

I told the doc over the phone as it was covid time and he wasn't seeing guests in person.

He told me

"Do whatever you wanna do. No, just don't come here anymore, since you know everything." And he abruptly ended the call. I remember I had burst into tears. At that time anything negative drove me into a suicidal mode. So yea..I wished I had died that same day.

Again fast forward I started seeing another doctor. She was quite nice and warm. I felt good talking to her. Instead of medication she started the talk therapy. She made me speak to her about everything..

But..

She made me speak infront of my father. I wanted privacy for what I wanted to say  but she denied me that right. So everything I said was heard by my father..and the guilt of the sadness I saw in this eyes drive me mad.

Again medications were turning my brain into mush. My depression would sometimes start to get better or start worsening suddenly.

Fast forward, exams suddenly approached. I could barely study anything. I was panicking.
My mom told me it was fine if I failed the papers..or just give up studying all together. She just wanted me to be happy.

It sounded too good to be true. And I should've realized it was a lie. A beautiful lie.

My relationship with my sister used to be great..even though I was a jerk to her  but once her og exams were over she changed. I don't recognize her anymore. She snaps at everything I do, ignores me, never talks to me. She just changed.

It's like we are no longer the 2 halves I thought we were.

I quit medications again, the start of this year. Not on my will. My mother, she wanted me to stop the medication. She said she couldn't watch me drown in it anymore. And me the naive idiot..I couldn't stand the sadness in her eyes and I told her ok. A month later, my best friend passed away. My Lil baby bird...he was the sole reason I had fought so hard to live. And he ...passed away suddenly before his birthday.

It was hard..so hard. And I had exams after  that month. My mom had roughly pulled me aside and told me I can't go back to my old self and start taking medication.  There was a weird sense of dread I felt when she told me so..it was like an order...

The loss of my bird was driving me to the corner. But I held on for my parents. Again...after a few more days my puppy died from parvo. I broke again. Again my mom..gave me that weird order(?).

In the end I couldn't greive properly..and I bottled it up. Whatever negative things I felt, I couldn't tell anyone anymore..I was all alone.

Then came exams. I couldn't study for them. I founded one test, and barely passed the other 2. My mom was disappointed and she told me to keep it a secret from dad, who was also diagnosed with( the same month) depression.

I felt trapped.
Failing the 5th semester meant...
I had to wait a whole year to give the exam again . A whole year wasted. It hurt so bad.

But I fought on..and now here I am. Sitting in my room..locked and dorwning myself with tears. Why?
With the tension of this retest, the pg entrance exam application date passed away..and I couldn't register. I found out about it today.

My mom..I guess she lost it. She was furious.

Why did I even believe my mother's words..

"Even if you cannot do anything...or not even study..I will still love you. It doesn't matter what others say. I love you and I want you to live."

Such a pretty lie she used to say..

She told me today straight to my face, today...

"I regret giving birth to someone as stupid as you."

This was her true feelings. This was what she felt when I was breaking down.

Sorry mama, I didn't want to be born either. You could've just aborted me...or dumped me somewhere?

She told me all I do is bring misery to everyone..and i rightfully believe I do. It's true. All I know and give is grief and sadness. I never gave them happiness.

Wherever I go, pain follows me around.

I am sorry mama I am not what you wanted me to be. I am sorry...

I acted fine, quit medication, forced myself to be cheerful around her and even lied to the doc that I am completely fine ...so she would not down herself in tension and guilt for making me like this.

But I guess it meant nothing.

Anything I do means nothing. It is worthless.
I'm a loser through and through.

I wanted to live for her..and that resolve was shattered today.

A few days ago she'd told me my future is very dark.

I guess she was right. So ..I guess going any forward is useless? I mean it is dark, so even if I put efforts to it, nothing will happen.

I feel sick.. I haven't slept in days.
Now I feel numb..and all I want is to die.
Die and be free from this hell I call life.
I really tried..

But ..

I guess it didn't matter anymore.

Not to her, not to my father..not to my sister..not to anyone.

So why waste their money ? I can just...disappear and decrease their burdens. I know I will be hated for life by my mother...but that price I can pay...if it meant relieving them from this cursed creature that I call me.

______________________________________

[A/N

Sorry to those that thought it was a story update. I'm sorry for ruining your days.

Thank you for everything.

Over n Out.]