「𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 」

13 | Problems

SILAS' POV/PERSPECTIVE:

God Damn Ellie was distracted and somehow I couldn't get the visual of Adam with her, kissing her, out of my head for some reason, maybe it was the cocaine messing with my head making me feel things. Just the thought of her getting down on him made me- You know what, why do I even care. Let her have sex with any guy she wants. By all means be my guest, she can. I hated her I thought to myself closing my eyes. Letting my head rest on the pillow beneath my head.

...

"Silas, baby boy!! Get up you sleepyhead" Ellie whined to me. God why was she so fucking cringey and clingy, I should've never brought her. "Get- get off me" I tell her rubbing my eyes as she places herself next to me on the sofa. I realise the cocaine effect was all gone. I felt like myself again but just a bit drowsy, hungover I guess. "The movie finished a hour ago" She tells me.

That means I had slept for 2 hours, knowing that the movie was approximately 2 hours and a bit. I sit up and groan at the sight in front of me, across me was Adam and Sophie. His hand gripped tightly on her cheek as he makes out with her, within seconds he grabs her and places her on his lap, her legs straddling him as his hands make their way over to her ass, gripping onto her just like at the party a couple days ago. I notice her start to grind on him.

I'm not sure they noticed me and Ellie, the living room was long and the lights were turned off from the previous movie that was playing. We were pretty distant from them and Ellie was just on her phone her legs on my lap. They get interrupted by Grace that turns the lights back on. "I got pizza leftovers-" She says her eyes widening as Sophie quickly takes her self of Adam. "Calm down their love birds" She says laughing.

Scarlett comes out with another plate of pizza, Jeremiah following her with another plate, behind him as well as Jackson. They place the plates on the table as everyone reaches in and starts to take a slice of pizza each, me included. I really needed it after the drugs I inhaled a while ago, I should've not relapsed, i should've not taken the god damn drugs in the first place. I never opened up my feelings to anyone, I've never had a person I could just tell everything to and not overthink that they will go spread it around.

I liked having a wall between my feelings and how people viewed me, I've never let anyone inside the wall, I probably never will. I have trust issues, not the trust issues people say as jokes. My issues with trust mentally takes over my mind. Overthinking takes over my mind. I tried going to therapy, but I feel like I couldn't trust the therapist. You know? What if she told my parents how I actually felt. So I stopped attending therapy. My whole life i've felt like a shadow to my parents, a mistake in their eyes.

I've only ever trusted myself and I plan keeping it that way unless there's a person that can somehow prove their loyalty to me.

Distracting myself with the bad effect of sex, making it a distraction to all my problems and thoughts piling up in my mind non stop. I really hate myself for it, I really fucking do. But I guess nobody will know how I truly feel about myself after all.

The savoury dough enters my mouth, flavours bursting in my mouth, I haven't ate since breakfast. A hour goes by and i'm exhausted. "I'm going to head out guys" I say getting up waving goodbye to everyone. They all greet me goodbye besides Adam and Sophie that were too busy with each other. "You two are so cute together-" Was the last thing I heard Grace say before shutting the front door behind me and heading to my car.

I drop Ellie off at her house quickly, as soon as she left I started to play Chase Atlantic. Putting the music that overtook my thoughts up extra high, rolling down my windows as wind blew in my face. This is how I liked it.. music, driving, the cold airs rushing to my face, the song changed. Chucking my head back at the red light as tears started to run down my face as I quietly sung the lyrics.

"Yeah I just wanna feel alive, baby take your time, smoking on this loud" I sang the lyrics sobbing remembering how much of a bad person I am, people, my dad abusing me, how people view me. All of it just came rushing back at this exact moment I couldn't take it anymore. I press the gas pedal when the green light switched back from the red.

Cruising through the town reaching my neighbourhood. "Man up Silas.. Man up" I tell myself after parking my car in my house's driveway. I lock my car and open the front door with the key under the carpet, guessing that everyone's already asleep I quietly make my way up to my room, brushing my teeth and getting changed out of my clothes. I pulled a hoodie over my head and got into my black sweats.

Drifting off to sleep hoping for a better day tomorrow, when the day has dawned newly and freshly.

Hii, this chapter was really short! Sorry about that hahahah.

Love, Mary
Stay beautiful x