the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

t h i r t y

"So Cam, you mind if I call you Cam Cameron?" Jeremiah asks, with a hint of passive aggression.

Cam chuckles, completely obvious to his tone. "Mm-hmm. Yeah, man. Feel free. That's funny," he encourages.

I grin, and eye Conrad. He was already staring at me so when we make eye contact he smiles shakes his head. His hair falls in his face and I don't resist the urge to brush it away. I love that I can freely do this now. He smiles softly, and grabs my hand once it drops on the table.

It took me a little bit to pull myself together earlier. We cried for awhile together, and in a way I feel we are closer then ever. He let me in on the biggest, heaviest secret a person could hold. He much feel so much lighter voicing it out loud to someone, rather then the constant battle that is going on in his gorgeous little head.

It explains the smoking and drinking. It also explains how he acts around everyone else, because he's angry that no one else has to feel this pain. He's saving it all for himself, to spare everyone else. Which, ironically is being blasted on every one else with the mood swings.

"I'm glad you're here, Cameron." Susannah speaks up. "I know your mom, Denise," she specifically says her name like he doesn't know his own moms name. "From the country club. And I've heard a lot about you." She finishes.

      I look at Susannah differently now. She's the strongest women I know. I know she isn't hiding the cancer for the fun of it, she's doing it the same reason Conrad hasn't told anyone; they're saving people the pain. When I first saw her tonight, Conrad grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. He was telling me it was okay, and I could do it. That was all I needed.

      I am shockingly okay. Now that I know the truth I can see the little things that prove Susannah is sick. The needs for Belly to do this ball, because she's afraid she won't make it to Belly's wedding. The naps after a an outing, no matter how long or short, but she's still Susannah. She doesn't let anyone see how weak she is, which is how she's so strong.

      "Thank you so much for having me, Susannah," Cam Cameron grins, "my mom says hi!" He says.

     He's so cute, and very respectful. I wish Belly was serious about him. "Cam, have you ever had miyeok-guk before?" Laurel asks. "It's a Korean birthday tradition."

     "No. It looks so good thank you!" He says grabbing the bowl.

     "Belly told me you're vegetarian, so I didn't put any meat in it," Laurel clarifies.

      "Thank you, Laurel." He smiles.

     "Why don't you eat meat, Cam Cameron?" Jeremiah asks.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Before I open my mouth to tell Jeremiah to quit it with the interrogation my phone rings. Considering the fact that everyone who could be calling me is at this table, that leaves two people who could be calling; my mom, or my dad. Either one of them calling me right now makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I give everyone a sympathetic look before checking who's calling. "It's my mom," I say aloud, but my voice is small and sounds hesitant even though I'm just stating a fact.

I don't know why but I'm nervous, I look over at Conrad who seems to already understand what's happening inside my head because he look at his mom and smiles softly. "We'll be right back, okay?" He asks, but it's more of a statement with urgency in his voice.

Susannah nods, and mouths of course. I look at Belly and give her a sheepish smile in which she nods as well waving her hand to tell me it's okay.

Conrad grabs my hand and takes me into the backyard, the second he closes the door he urges me to sit down on the step. "Answer, before she hangs up," he says quickly.

I let out a small whimper, and grab his hand. I press answer and say "hi."

"Claire?" She asks as if she wasn't the one calling me. "What took you so long to answer?"

"It's Belly's birthday. I'm at her birthday dinner," I tell her.

"Right, anyways I was calling to tell you me and your father will be there on the fourth of July!"

I drop Conrad's hand, and stand up. I start pacing the length of the pool, I can feel the panic shooting through my veins. The idea of being in that tension; even if it's just for a day, especially the fourth, sounds absolutely miserable. I look forward to the fourth more then I do Christmas because I'm here in cousins with my favorite people. I stop walking, maybe I just misheard her. Maybe it's just her coming, and not her and my dad.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask.

"Your father and I are coming for the Fourth of July weekend. We've been working things out while you have been gone—"

"It's only been a week, not even. How could you have possibly worked through anything considering dad was in New York until two days ago?" I snap, cutting her off.

"Claire! Who do you think you're speaking to0! I am your mother, you'll be lucky if I don't force you to come back with us when we visit. As I was saying well be there for the weekend, the house better not be a mess when we get there."

     Then she hangs up, just like that. No, I love you. No, I'm sorry. You're right. Nothing.

      I let my arm drop to my side. I sit down and stare in front of me. I know this sounds dramatic but I was finally doing good. The panic attacks were happening less frequently then they were at home. Jeremiah and I are super close again this summer, regardless of me finally dating Conrad. Then of course there is the matter of me finally dating Conrad. That one most of all, because that's something that I've been dreaming of for as long as I can remember.

      I'm afraid of going dark around everyone here. My parents make it hard to not shut myself down. I become someone who doesn't want to leave her room. Blasting her music, or running on a treadmill to drown out the sounds of them fighting. I don't want to push anyone away, but that's what happens every single time they have one of their fights in front of me. It's easy to do it with Belly during the school year, I can just say school got busy but now with her right next door that won't be easy to hide.

      Conrad comes up behind me and places a hand on my shoulder. "Hey," he says quietly. He's so gentle, that it instantly brings tears into my eyes.

       "My parents are coming for the fourth of July weekend."