the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

s i x t y - t h r e e

       They weren't happy. Belly and Jeremiah never even got a chance to talk about their feelings because Jeremiah ended up overhearing Cleaveland tell Laurel, Conrad knows about Susannah's cancer. Apparently Conrad had a panic attack when he was at work with him and Cleaveland knew that they had to know he knew or it would keep happening.

My heart broke a little then, my Conrad. The boy who's held my hand through countless panic attacks this summer wouldn't let me hold his when I knew he was suffering, I just didn't know how deep it went.

       Me, Conrad, and Jere drove together. Steven drove Belly home in the car she took and Laurel went with Susannah. Jeremiah wouldn't look at me on the ride home. The sound of his small cries made me want to reach out and hug him, but he needed his space.

The second we got home everyone broke off. Susannah and the boys went into the living room and Belly, Steven, and Laurel went up stairs. I didn't want to intrude so I texted the group chat I was going home and that I loved them all. No one responded, obviously.

       I feel guilty I knew before Belly, Steven, and Jeremiah — but at the same time I have to remind myself I knew because Conrad couldn't handle this on his own. He knew Susannah wanted everyone to have one last normal summer, and he didn't want to ruin that for her. They have to understand that if they find out that I knew too, not that I think Conrad would tell them.

      I stand in my living room, feeling like I should be doing something. I wish there was something I could do them. I feel so helpless right now, and more then anything I want to get out of this dress. It suddenly feels suffocating. I want to rip it off me but Susannah bought this for me, so I rush upstairs, and gently take off the dress hanging it up in my closet. I throw on one of Conrad's hoodies and a pair of shorts. If I stay in this silent house for one more second I'm going to lose my mind. I feel panicked that I can't help them through this right now.

       I grab my pepper spray, headphones, a blanket, grab a water bottle, and my weed pen and start making my way downstairs. I'm gunna go to the beach. I need to distract myself.

       On the walk down, I decide I want to call my Dad. It's been a few days since we've talked and with everything going on with Susannah I just want to hear his voice. Not to my surprise, the phone call went right to voicemail. He said he was going to be busy this weekend, I just wanted to say I love him. His voicemail plays, and I sniffle hearing his voice.

       I clear my throat, I don't want him to worry about me. "Hi Dad," I say into the phone. "I just wanted to call and say I miss you, and I love you. I can't wait to see you next week. Uh, that was it. Bye."

       I sigh, hanging up. I throw my blanket on the ground, putting my headphones on, and lay down so I can look up at the sky.
I take a hit of my pen and instantly feel the pressure in my chest subside. I open my phone and hit my 'songs that heal me when I'm sad' (authors note: I really have a playlist with this name on Spotify hahaha) playlist on Spotify and the first song that comes on is the archer, by taylor swift. My chest aches. Taylor, my queen, always is there for me.

      It's been awhile since I've let myself sit and think about my family dynamic. It hurts me to know that my Mom hasn't tried reaching out once this summer since she left. Seeing the way Laurel and Susannah love their kids hurts because I know at the end of the day my Mom doesn't love me the same way. Even Belly and Stevens dad reach out when they're down here at least twice a week.

     My mom only loves herself. She proved that the day she cheated on my dad and tried to gaslight him into believing it was his fault for having a career. Dad has a full time job and reaches out a few times a week. He always checks in. How hard is it to check in on your only child?

I take another hit of my pen, wanting nothing more then to be swallowed whole by the ocean right now. Drift peacefully away. Away from pain, heartache.

But my mind flashes images of Conrad, Jeremiah, Belly, and Steven. I even think of Susannah and Laurel. They're my real family at the end of the day. I sniffle realizing that soon, Susannah will be gone. She's taken my under wing all these years and has made me feel more loved then my own parents. That thought causes me to let out small uncontrollable hiccuping sobs. Next summer will be so different. With the way Conrad and Laurel are reacting I think it's worse then I could of even imagined. She isn't going to make it this time.

My heart hurts for the Mom I've never had. My heart hurts for the pain everyone around me is going through. My heart hurts for Susannah.

       I grieve the loss of someone who's only 20 feet away from my right now. I grieve alone as the sun sets and Taylor Swift sings to me, reminding me it won't always hurt.

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authors note:
THIS MADE ME SO SAD TO WRITE.