how you get the boy ✧ jaywon

008

this chapter's song:
delicate taylor swift

Jungwon had no idea what he was doing. He was sitting on his bed, laptop on his lap, the screen showing the Google homepage.

do i like someone? He typed and clicked enter. A bunch of am i in love quizzes popped up.

Jungwon swallowed and started typing something else.

love definition

love
/lev/

noun
1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
similar: deep affection, fondness
2. a great interest and pleasure in something.
similar: liking, weakness, partiality

verb
1. feel deep affection for (someone).
similar: be in love with, be infatuated with
2. like or enjoy very much.
similar: delight in

Maeumi, what do you think?" Jungwon kissed the top of his dog's head. "I'm crazy, right?"

Jungwon let out a shaky sigh. He shut his laptop and laid his head down on his pillow. He closed his eyes shut.

It was now Thursday and Jungwon had been feeling a little bit empty inside. He had started getting busy with exams and homework so he hadn't been able to see Jay as often as he wanted. Well, that was what he kept telling himself.

It was that and maybe the fact that whenever he was around Jay, he couldn't help but feel awkward now. And– not the kind of awkwardness you feel when you meet someone new for the first time. The awkwardness when you feel like you're going to explode from the inside every single time you're around him so you start to avoid eye contact— or any physical contact, for that matter. Sounds personal, he knew.

After the party, Jay took Jungwon to get McDonalds drive-thru ice cream and parked near their neighborhood pool. They sat there for the next hour talking more about love languages, about their futures, or why they think they exist in the world. That was when Jungwon realized that looking Jay in the eyes made him extremely nervous and queasy. That maybe he felt more for Jay. That when Jay's hand would brush against his accidentally, he wanted to wrap his pinky around his.

And— the distance would usually never affect him like this. Because he was used to being alone and not having someone to look for him— to want him around. And he was fine with that. He's had friendships in the past but he has never felt the way that he feels about Jay, for anyone else before. To him, Jay has become more than just a friend– more than just a best friend. But Jungwon would rather bang his head, repeatedly, on his headboard than to admit that. He kept his distance with the one person he thought he could love , and yet he was filled with anxiety and afraid of losing him.

Jungwon had thought that there were so many things that were wrong with the way he felt. The main reason being that he felt this way for a boy . It's 2022 for fucks sake, but he couldn't help but feel wrong . What would his mother think? What would people around him think? What would Jay think? And— he wished he could simply not care about what anyone else thought or said but that was easier said than done.

And— what if he did talk to Jay about these feelings? What would happen if he didn't feel the same way or if he started to feel uncomfortable? He could possibly ruin things between them and that was the last thing Jungwon ever wanted to do. He couldn't lose him.