how you get the boy ✧ jaywon

009

this chapter's song:
fire on fire sam smith

"You what?"

Jungwon stood there, teary eyed, for a moment. He wondered if he could jump out the window and make a run for it.

Except Jay stepped a bit closer and slightly tugged at Jungwon's sleeve. "Jungwon, if that's how you feel," He paused for a moment, "We can talk about it."

Jungwon's head was ringing, he couldn't believe what he was hearing right now. "I— can't." He closed his eyes shut.

"Okay." Jay replied, breathing getting heavier.

"Okay?"

"I mean, if you don't—"

"I know—," Jungwon hesitated for a moment, "I know it's crazy. I know it hasn't even been more than two weeks since we've known each other. And— sometimes I think I feel this way because I feel like you're the only person who cares for me— especially the way that you do. That maybe I feel this way because you're the one person in this world that I can truly be myself around and feel the most comfortable with. Maybe it's that I've never felt this way before— because I really haven't. I've never felt this way about anyone ever and it really scares me. Maybe it isn't what I think it is and maybe it's just the overflowing, overwhelming amount of love I have for my best friend. And— besides, I'm a boy and—"

Jungwon was pulled into Jay's embrace. He held his breath, wanting to cry his eyes out. Jungwon's heart felt heavy, face feeling boiling hot. But— the feeling of being in Jay's arms was calming him down. He felt warm.

"I'm crazy about you." Jay whispered, Jungwon's eyes widening.

He slightly pulled away from Jay, creating space between them. "You are?"

Jay nodded, a slight smile appearing on his face. "I never realized the way I was feeling about you meant anything more. Although being your best friend makes me unbelievably happy, believe me, I always wondered if there could be more." He paused, his breathing getting heavier, "All I wanted to do was protect you. I wasn't a hundred percent sure about any of my feelings but what I am sure about is that you make me really happy, Jungwon."

Jungwon looked up at him, his eyes wandering around Jay's face. He could feel the tip of his ears burning up. He felt like something was in his stomach, doing cartwheels and somersaults.

"But," Jay suddenly closed his eyes shut and opened them again, "We— can't."

Jungwon knew the answer but still asked, "Why?"

"Because we shouldn't."

Although Jungwon completely understood what Jay meant, he couldn't help but feel defeated— like his heart broke for the first time. He couldn't help but want to curse out loud to the world— couldn't help but want to crawl up into a ball and sob.

"I know." Is what Jungwon replied with, biting the inside of his cheek.

"But, thank you for telling me how you feel." Jay said, plastering a painful smile on his face.

"Yeah." Jungwon swallowed, pressing his lips together.

As much as Jungwon desired Jay to reciprocate his feelings, which Jay told him he does, he couldn't push away the fact that there was nothing they could do about them— the feelings. That although there was a weight lifted off his shoulders, he didn't feel very relieved. There was no way that things would go back to normal or if it would be the same for them after this. And— it wasn't like getting rid of these feelings was possible either. "So, what do we do now?"

"I don't know." Jay said, biting on his bottom lip.

The pain he felt at that moment was far worse than what he thought the pain of rejection could feel like. At this point, he wished he'd gotten rejected so he could at least try to get over his feelings for Jay. He would try so hard to the point where it would break him.

Jay hesitated for a moment, "You will always be my best friend." He said, like it was the hardest thing he ever had to do.

"Will that be enough for you?" Jungwon asked, picking at the hangnail on his pointer finger. "Being only my best friend?"

"No."

"But— this is it? We have these feelings and we're—," Tears were forming in Jungwon's eyes, "We're just going to have to push them away and act like everything is normal while being around each other?"

Jay looked down, biting onto his bottom lip. "What could we do then? We don't even know what we're doing, Jungwon. We don't know how to or— we don't know what could happen."

"Am I not worth it?" Jungwon asked, knowing that he was worth it to Jay. Knowing that if Jay could be with him, he would in less than a heartbeat.

"You are, trust me, you are." Jay said and sat onto the edge of Jungwon's bed, his face in his hands. "I leave home for college next year. You start your senior year then. You leave for college the year after— and we'll have to see each other when we're home for break. And— my parents, your mom. What would they think? We can't."

Jungwon felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. "But—" He sat next to Jay, shutting his eyes closed. He turned his body and lowered his head. Jay moved closer and their foreheads were touching.

And— they sat there like that for a moment. Forehead touching forehead, their heavy breathing uncontrollable. No one said anything. No one moved even an inch.

Jay took Jungwon's hand into his and pulled him closer, into a hug. "I don't deserve you, Jungwon. I will break your heart."

"Then break it."

"Jungwon, you don't mean that." Jay said, loosening his wrapped arms.

"I do." Jungwon whispered.

Jay looked into his eyes. "I don't want you to."

Jungwon had never thought that he would find himself falling in love. Maybe that was why he fell harder. It was like fire on fire and his desire for Jay only grew.

"We'll figure this out. We will."