how you get the boy ✧ jaywon

016

October 2nd, 2021 (a year ago)

Jungwon watched anxiously, as his mother paced around the hospital room. His thumb kept reaching for his mouth, his teeth biting onto the skin around his nail. Jungwon had many thoughts running through his mind. Is he okay? Is he going to die? What happens if he does die?

His mother had been sobbing for the past hour while his father was rushed into surgery. Jungwon sat there, picking at his fingers. He's going to be okay, right? He closed his eyes shut, feeling faint. His fingers were numb from all the pain of him peeling, picking, and ripping the skin around them. That was where his habit began.

It wasn't that Jungwon didn't feel the need to cry, he couldn't. Shock overcame the sadness within him and it wasn't until the physician walked into the hospital room with a dreary look in his eyes that Jungwon felt his heart break into a million, sharp pieces.

The physician reached his hand out for a handshake and Jungwon's mother stepped forward, falling to her knees, "Please— please tell me he's okay."

The physician hesitated before saying, "Mrs. Yang, I'm doctor Kim, please sit down with me."

Jungwon watched as his mother sobbed into the man's arms as he directed them toward a private space. There was an in between period before doctor Kim explained the outcome of the horrible accident his father had gotten into and after he introduced himself. And in that in between period, Jungwon thought that there was hope. That maybe somehow, in the next few seconds, the physician would say that his father still had a heartbeat. That his father who he loved so dearly would still be in his life.

"Mrs. Yang, son, I am so sorry for your loss."

Jungwon looked up from his fingers, wide eyed. Biting hard on his tongue until he could taste the blood that surfaced there. He wanted to think that this was all a dream, that his father would be home when he and his mother got back from the hospital. That his father was still very much alive and breathing, waiting to give Jungwon a hug as soon as he got home from work.

"He was in a fatal condition when he was brought to the hospital and we did everything we could to save him."

My dad is not dead.

Jungwon could tell that his mother was in a panic state, not a word coming out of her mouth. Her breathing got heavier, deeper and her body became weak within seconds.

His mother stood up abruptly, hands forming fists and painful tears streaming down her face, "If you did everything you could, why is he dead?"

Doctor Kim nodded softly, holding his hands together, "He barely had a heartbeat when he was brought into surgery, Mrs. Yang."

"You killed him."

"I'm so sorry— My condolences to you and your family."

"You did this." The tone in his mother's voice darkened, Jungwon backing up behind them, scared.

"Mom—"

His mother turned her head and looked at Jungwon with hurt eyes, "You stay out of this."

Jungwon stood there, eyes glued to the ground. He had just lost his father to a fatal accident. He had just lost the person in his life that he loved the most. His mother was devastated, broken, and despaired but so was Jungwon. He wanted to be the one to comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be okay but he felt like he couldn't. All he felt was numbness.

Jungwon stepped a few steps forward and wrapped his arms around his mother, pulling her closer. He hesitantly rubbed her back and said, "I'm— here, mom."

His mother had every right to feel everything she was feeling in that moment. She had just lost her husband, someone who meant everything and more to her and Jungwon had to understand that. That although Jungwon also needed someone to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, his mother needed him more.

That was when he started to push back and hold in his emotions to be strong for his mother who was on the verge of taking her own life. His mother became weak and lost and afraid of living. Jungwon needed to be strong for her.

⊹

Jungwon sighed as he kicked a rock back and forth between his feet. He had been trying so hard to forget that day. It had been one year since the day of his father's death. One long full year of grieving, waiting, and feeling the loss of someone who didn't exist in the same world as him anymore.

For one full year, Jungwon had wondered what it would be like if his father had survived. If he was alive and healthy, next to him. Would he have still been the same Jungwon he used to be? Would he have continued to be happy?

Some days, Jungwon would stay up all night until his brain was fried thinking about how he never got to say goodbye. That the last time he told his father he loved him was over the phone. The last time he hugged his father was now over a year ago.

His father had always been so supportive and proud of Jungwon. He was always the first one to congratulate him on his victories and always the first one to be there for him for his losses. His father was excited for Jungwon and his future, bragging about how his son was all that and more. How Jungwon was going to make it big in this world.

Jungwon never knew how people could move on from a loved one's death. How you could be okay knowing you would never see them again. But Jungwon was starting to get the hang of it. That he knew his father was watching over him, with the same stupid smile he always had on. The stupid smile that got passed down to him.

Jungwon wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, eyes watery from all his thoughts. He sniffled and grabbed onto the straps of his backpack, preventing himself from ripping open the skin around his nails. He was starting to get good at that— self control.

It was all starting to get easier for Jungwon. Easier for him to live on. Not to forget about his father's past existence but to live happily without him. He deserved to— he needed to. He had felt that he would never find peace again. That he would never feel genuinely happy again— until he met Jay.

And Jay was not only the comfort he desperately longed for but someone who he genuinely began to love.

"Jungwon," He heard from behind him, "Wait for me!"

Jungwon turned his body around and stood there, lips pressed together, into a soft but painful smile, "Hi."

"How are you?"

Jungwon hesitated before saying, "I'm good."

"Good because I'm taking you out to dinner after school today." Jay said, slinging his arm onto Jungwon's shoulders.

Jungwon looked Jay in the eyes and in that moment, he forgot all about what he was thinking about before, "Okay." He bit onto his bottom lip while he smiled.

That day was the first anniversary of his father's death. He had been dreading that day to come for a full year but it's different now. Maybe this could be a new start for him. He could finally say that he was going to be okay.