𝐀𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

♥ ♥ ♥


For the past two hours, I've been staring at the ceiling.

It's empty.

After the ceremony, I hoped that I would feel purpose. All I received from last week was pressure and responsibility. If the weight on my shoulder wasn't enough, add pleasing hundreds of more people. Whenever I think of being a part of the mafia, I start hyperventilating.

It seems like fun when you learn agility and tactics, but when someone has a gun pointed at your head, it's not fun anymore. When I was twelve, my father put a gun to my head and asked me, "What would you do if someone held a gun to your head?" I answered, "I'd tell them to pull the trigger. Why should I fight a battle that I already have lost?"

Was I wrong?

The oath I took last week would tell me I'm wrong. Everyone in the building would've called me a fool.

The man who's supposed to be my father tears me down for every mistake or fallout in my life. Living in his shadow has always been a competition. I've wanted to be released from his shadow for the past seventeen years.

Astraea has been the glue holding me together since the passing of our mom. She's my best friend. I've tried to leave, but his voice lingers inside my mind. I hear his deep voice criticize every move I make.

Astraea made the house feel like "home."

I wasn't trapped in my thoughts anymore.

For the next couple of days, Astraea will be in Milan with Greyson for his birthday. It can feel good being alone, but also it can feel lonely. I haven't left these four walls since last week. I've called Nora twice, but every time, it would lead to hearing her voicemail. I needed to escape. Even if I could experience life for one day, I'd take it.

I stood up and entered the bathroom next to my bedroom. I stripped off my clothes and took a brisk, chilly shower. I cleared some of my thoughts.

After the shower, I threw on a T-shirt and black jeans. I brushed my teeth and made a quick cup of coffee before I slipped out the front door. I needed the fresh air brushing up against my skin. I needed the feeling of escapism.

I almost got into my car and drove around the city, but I only made it a few feet outside the house. I sat on the steps and admired nature. I saw the bright blue sky. The smell was the scent of rain from last night. As a kid, I enjoyed the rainfall. It was soothing. I've struggled to sleep at night ever since the passing of my mom, but the rain helps soothe me. It gives my body a sense of comfort. I feel at ease when it rains. I spent almost two hours outside just enjoying the sense of the outdoors.

As I stood up, my eyes shifted to the hood of the black Bentley a couple of feet in front of me. A note was in a plastic bag taped to the windshield with Astraea's signature written at the bottom.

Dear Roman,

I love you. I already feel horrible writing this letter. You've spent the past sixteen years as a fantastic brother who's always there for me through thick and thin. I left some spare cash to see a drive-in movie to repay my debt of not being with you. If you happen to miss me while I'm gone this week, I did leave the stuffed cat you bought me for my tenth birthday. I wish I could be with you. But I wanted to thank you for being strong for Mom and me. She'll always be watching over us. Love you.

Love Rea,

A smile washed over my face. Rea and I may be complete opposites, but we stick together. We've never gone through anything alone. We've cried, laughed, talked, and protected each other. As kids, we'd sneak out of the house to see a drive-in movie. It became a tradition for us until last week. I've been loaded with responsibilities to fulfill. This past week has been filled with signing papers to finalize my oath. Signing these papers and taking that oath is something I've been preparing for since I was twelve, but it still feels surreal.