—ko household
laying in her bed, she felt terrible. she was thinking of hobbies to pick up while she's on break. she never really gave herself time to do anything other than idol life did she. even if there was something she wanted to do, it was taken away with her broken arm. what was the point?
she was having that momentary exhaustion that drove her mad. she was tired. she was tired of this constant push and pull that was making her so anxious. her loss in motivation appearing as an outcome to all of this pain and havoc. his body ached in a way in which she didn't do anything yet was still hurt.
it was one of those days where she felt like everything she'd ever done was taken away. she felt hopeless with the full knowledge that she was able to do things she still enjoyed. was her own exhaustion crossing over to a part of her that wishes on a different ideology. she felt like nothing. she didn't have the energy to get out of bed. she was planning to only lay there for a bit. yet here she was.
being on break felt like she was more stressed than anything. the side effects of a broke arm. she was living it with it for awhile now, but it still sucked. what was there to do?
her childhood felt wasted. while she did have times in which she wasn't at the company, her memory retained only company memories. she couldn't remember what childhood was suppose to be. was it suppose to be so sad?
brushing a hand through her hair, she realized that this wasn't something she should struggle so much on. did she even really live? her entire life was replaced with strict dieting, instruction, training, and hell. she was sm's insider, she knew the place better than their company managers. she's been through all the sm buildings respectively and definitely has seen something. but she can't think of life outside of it. she could barely even remember school life that well either.
hearing her phone ring, she placed it between her bed and head and laid there waiting for the other to speak first. "seokyu?" widening her eyes, she sat up immediately from that voice. "hah.. i uh.. wasn't expecting you to pick up.." neither was she, but here she was wasn't she. "i guess i unblocked your number didn't i..." she muttered.
silence filled the air immediately. tense and silent like it always was. it made her stomach sick from how silent it was. "haha.. so uhm. hows it going.. old friend?" the fallout of their friendship was terrible and messy. for a period of time she blocked the other and believed he didn't want anything to do with her.
"so.. your arm's been better? i heard from, uh, the other members."
she nodded knowing he couldn't see her. "so, preparing for debut huh sungchan?" their old friendship went way back, but it experienced a messy ending pretty early on that ruined it for the two of them. oh well you know? they ended mutually and cut each other off, awkwardly seeing each other around the company building. one of the few friendships to date that fell apart for her.
could this be any worse. "i'm sorry for calling. i usually called your number when i wanted to feel like shit again for what i did. i uh, wasn't expecting you to pick up. at all." that was somewhat understandable. a part of her believed she's do the same if she was in his position. it sucked knowing how pure their friendship was but how ruined it was going to get if they continued being friends. "it's alright. uhm. it's okay if i, hang up right."
it was like balancing on a loose tight rope every second while they spoke. his voice was definitely more mature than years ago, that was evident. she wasn't the type to engage if it didn't mean the bare minimum. "y..yes please." pursing her lips together, she let out a silent sigh. "see.. you.." hanging up without hearing him return the goodbye, she felt like a boulder in a lake changing the course of a stream.
you might as well kill her now if you wanted to see a peaceful soul. she was ready to disappear into the floor.
—later
she was so tired that she barely realized that she had slept the entire day away. the moment her head hit her pillow, she was out like a light. it was complete night time then and that said a lot since she fell asleep when the sun was high in the sky. what should she do?
she doubted anyone would be out this late in the night. only a few people she could think of came to mind. people were touring, people were busy. everyone was being an idol. the industry was moving but she wasn't. she felt like shit all over again. she felt unproductive and terrible. what was the point of it all if all she was ever gonna do was sit around unhappy because of things she couldn't control.
her kind dwelled on these thoughts like it was a broken record. it was the only thing she ever thought about these days. couldn't it be any faster? did she have to sit around like this like a sitting duck? was this how her life was gonna continue?
she felt like these were the longest 3 months to ever exist. she felt well enough, was that not enough for them to let her live her life? this felt so pointless and hopeless. she knew that once she woke up, she'd have trouble sleeping again. sighing, she got up and slid on her slippers. scurrying quietly to the kitchen, she grabbed a glass of water and sipped it as quietly as she could. she was just not feeling well.
the mental fatigue was catching up big time now. everything happening was happening for a reason. her habit of working like her life was ending tomorrow was ruining her. at first it was a break, then a nightmare, then her misery, then her depression, and it was coming over to realization. she realized that her work ethic was horrid. her habits and patterns were like living a nightmare every minute of her life. and she didn't even realize it.
she was so normalized by it all that she didn't even realize the red flags and concerns that could appear from it all. was it always that bad? she could've sworn it was just a healthy working idol habit type of thing. why did it have to be so bad?
posted; 17/9/22
