Fanfics from Ao3 - Private

How to annoy McGonnagall (and get yourself a Boyfriend in the process)

"What am I going to do with the two of you?" Headmistress McGonagall asked, her Scottish brogue sounding as disappointed as it always did when he got in trouble.
It was early October and this was the third time Harry Potter had been in the headmistress's office since eighth year began. Draco Malfoy had been the cause of all three visits, of course. It was all his fault, as usual.
"Detentions don't deter you, nor does taking house points. I must say I am disappointed in you both, vastly. I'd suspend you both if I thought it would help." She paused, looking at them both with a stern look that still intimidated Harry just as much as it did in his first year, despite being an eighth year and having gone through a war. She harrumphed. "No, I think we require drastic measures. Slippy!"
For a second, Harry had no idea what she was talking about, until a house elf popped into the room with them. "What can Slippy be doing for the headmistress?"
Harry risked a glance at Malfoy sitting next to him, looking disinterested in the whole conversation.
"Please set up the guest room on the third floor behind the tapestry of Vlad the Impaled. Two beds, and move Mr Harry Potter and Mr Draco Malfoy's belongings from their respective dormitories into it."
The elf nodded and popped away. It took Harry a second to grasp what the headmistress had implied and was about to object, but was beaten by Malfoy.
"You can't be serious. We'll kill each other."
"Oh, but I am quite serious. Perhaps forcing you to spend more time together will do what keeping you apart has not. I will also be informing your teachers that the two of you are to be seated next to each other and partnered in every group exercise until the end of the year."
Harry's jaw dropped. "I can't believe I'm agreeing with Malfoy about anything, but you really can't be serious, Headmistress."
She smiled slightly. "Would you look at that, not even in your new room and already making progress. This is your very last chance. If the two of you are sent to my office again, or if I find any trace of fighting between you, I will have no choice but to expel you both."
Harry felt the color draining from his face. Next to him, Malfoy didn't look so bored anymore.
"Headmistress, I believe you are aware that my finishing Hogwarts and taking my NEWTs is a large portion of my probation," Malfoy said. "Expelling me would be as good as sending me to Azkaban."
"Indeed, Mr Malfoy. And while I know Mr Potter has been the first to resort to violence two of the three times you've been sent here, I also know that you are quite skilled at provoking a reaction from him."
Harry felt a little ashamed of that, even if it was true. No one could piss him off quite like Malfoy.
"Of course, if Mr Potter is completely at fault, and Merlin forbid you have another fight, I will take that into account. However, the opposite is also true. Both of you need to grow up. The war is over. Even though your issues are far older, you need to overcome them. If you saw each other in the corridors of the Ministry would you still be brawling like third years?"
Harry looked down. It was true, they were adults. They had been for a while.
Malfoy was quiet, too.
"I understand, headmistress, and you're right," Harry said eventually.
Malfoy let out a small scoff. "Yes, yes, fine. We'll be good little boys and you won't have to expel us. How long will we need to stay in our new accommodations? May we be let out early for good behavior?"
Headmistress McGonagall looked at him for a long minute before turning to Harry. She then turned back to Malfoy. "This arrangement will last until the end of the year. Good behavior, as you said, would likely mean you are both friends, or at least friendly, and won't need or perhaps even want to be moved back to your respective dorms."
Harry let out a long breath. It wasn't a sigh. Nope. Just a long breath. Malfoy looked like he was biting his tongue.
"If there are no further questions, allow me to escort you to your new accommodations."

They arrived at a tapestry that Harry had never really noticed before. It was on the third floor near the main entrance of the school and it had a man smiling at them as he was being impaled by long metal spikes. "This is Vlad the Impaled, not to be confused with Vlad the Impaler. He can not speak but he will let you into your suite if you say the password. Your password is 'Unity.'"
When she said the password, the tapestry began to roll up and there was a door behind it.
"Can anyone get in if they just go behind the tapestry, Headmistress?" Harry asked.
McGonagall clucked her tongue. "Obviously not. This is just as secure as Gryffindor Tower, Mr Potter. The door is simply not there unless you give the password. When you leave the tapestry will rise on its own."
She opened the door and walked in. Harry looked around, and he had to admit that it seemed rather posh. There was a large fireplace with roaring flames, two loveseats and an overstuffed armchair arranged around the fireplace, two desks next to each other, and a wooden table with four chairs. There were also two doors, which Harry assumed led to the bedroom and bathroom. McGonagall walked over to one and opened it. "This will be your bedroom." Harry snuck a peek past the headmistress and saw two four-poster beds, one with green curtains and the other with red. "These are your beds from your dorm rooms, to help you feel more at home. The other door is your bathroom. Yes, you get en suite, and there is another door from the bedroom to the bathroom as well." She turned to look at them. "This room is generally used for guests in the castle and as such you will treat it with respect. Many students would see this as a reward and not a punishment, but we know better, don't we?"
Harry nodded glumly and continued to look around. The paintings in the living room were all landscapes and there didn't seem to be any portraits in any of the rooms. There were windows on the wall opposite the fireplace which overlooked the Great Lake and part of the Forbidden Forest. All in all, it was a very nice room. He was very excited to not need to share the loo with the rest of the Gryffindor boys. Gang showers were fun when he was a kid, but they got old pretty fast.
"Well, I will leave you both to get settled. The next time you place even a toe out of line, you will rue the day you decided to come back to finish your education at Hogwarts. Dinner will be delivered to you here tonight, and I expect you to stay alive until breakfast tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen."
With that, McGonagall walked out of the room, the door closing quietly behind her.
"Well, I hope you're happy, Potter."
Harry sighed. "Ecstatic, Malfoy. My evil plan worked and now we're rooming together."
Malfoy snorted sarcastically. Harry watched him as he walked into the bedroom and collapsed on the green bed. Harry followed and laid down on the red one. It felt like it always did. That was comforting, at least. He could do this. He was not about to let Malfoy get him expelled. He could be the bigger man. He would be fine. He'd ignore Malfoy and the rest of the year would pass quickly.
Harry sighed. He knew he could never ignore Malfoy. The wanker didn't let him. No one could wind him up like Malfoy. It was almost a law of magic: Malfoys and Potters shall not get along.
Harry looked at the ceiling and mentally prepared himself for dealing with the entitled arsehole. "Malfoy, can we call a truce? Agree to be civil at least, for both our sakes?"
"Oh, so now you want to be friends?" Malfoy challenged. "After everything you've done to me over the years?"
"Friends?" It took all of Harry's brainpower to not burst into laughter right in the pointy git's face. "It wasn't all one-sided, Malfoy. You've been as much of a prat as I've been."
"At least we can both agree you've been a prat."
Harry saw red. Yes, Malfoy's face would look lovely with a black eye. But leaving a mark would tip off the Headmistress. He needed something invisible. A hex? A jinx? Just as the thought of pulling his wand out crossed his mind, Harry thought of the threat of expulsion, and he forced himself to calm down. It took all his self-control and a constant internal mantra of, 'I shall not pummel Malfoy' for Harry to not react. He took a deep breath. "Look, neither of us wants to be here," he said. "It sucks. A lot. But it is reality. I don't want to be expelled, and I can't speak for you, but I'd rather you were not expelled either."
Malfoy was quiet. The anticipation of what the prat might say was growing. The silence dragged on and Harry began to wonder if Malfoy was just ignoring him completely. When the silence became too loud, Harry asked, "Can't we just start over? Be civil?"
Malfoy scowled. "Start over? You want to 'start over'? Fuck you, Potter."
He glanced over at Malfoy who was glaring at him from his bed. Harry huffed and waved his wand to close the curtains on the side of his bed facing Malfoy. He heard a snort from the other side of the room, and then silence.
It was going to be a long year.