Moving On

Let Go

"Snape. Tell me why you and Evans aren't friends anymore," James ordered, popping out from behind the curtain in the infirmary.

He saw Padfoot sat beside Snape and Moony sat opposite to them. The smiles on their faces froze. Moony and Padfoot's hardening in the next moment.

He made the comment on a whim. He was wondering why Snape and Evans never got back to being friends, Snape would tail behind her every moment he had. Apologising.

Awkwardly fiddling with his fingers, Snape smiled slightly.

"I used to think I was bad James. A bad person," he said, gazing directly into James' eyes.

"I used to beat myself up for it any chance I got. I used to ask myself, 'How could you? Lily is the best thing to ever happen to you. You won't last a day without her. Look what you've done.'"

Taking a deep breath, he diverted his gaze from James momentarily.

He set his eyes on James once more. Smiling sadly. James could see the melancholy in his eyes.

"But you know what James? I'm sorry to her from the depths of my heart. I feel regretful beyond belief. I apologised to her countless of times. Begging her to forgive me."

James swallowed asking another question, "But she wasn't supposed to forgive you."

"That's true," he replied. Without skipping a beat.

"She's not obligated to forgive me, but am I supposed to forever wallow in my misery for a mistake that I genuinely regret? And before you tell me that I have to show that I'm sorry. For how long? For how long would I have to dwell in the past and cry over spilt milk? I apologised sincerely. I had to move on. I wish her all the best. No hard feelings."

Snape smiled ruefully at the end of that. James vaguely thought he saw Snape's eyes redden before he was tugged out of the infirmary.

"Are you happy now James? You successfully ruined his day!" Remus hissed, glaring daggers at him.

"I -- I..." James stuttered. Confused. He did not mean for it to go the way it did.

Moony released a sigh of frustration.

"Please go reflect on your actions James."

He left James being a mess.

Aimlessly walking through the halls. James contemplated. His feelings for Lily and Snape to be precise.

In the past week -- after his talk with Lily, he wondered why he was so uncomfortable with the idea that Lily did not defend Snape. All he knew was that it bothered him. More than he liked.

He could easily chalk it up to everyone around him defending Snape, so he was not used to somebody agreeing with him -- no that's not it. He never cared if people agreed with him or not.

Maybe he wanted Evans to disagree with him. He wanted to be reassured of the fact that Snape was not in the wrong, that James was spouting nonsense. He wanted someone else to remind him that Snape was innocent. Someone but Padfoot and Moony. A third party.

He exhaled as he crouched down and pulled at his hair, alone with his thoughts. The guilt was getting too much to handle, maybe that's why he so desperately wanted to blame Snape. He did not want the thoughts of how many times they ruined his life running rampant in his head. Sirius' confession about them being the root cause of this mess made it worse. Maybe that's why he wanted to hold on to his idea of blame.

Maybe he wants to believe that he is the embodiment of good, light in a world of darkness. Clinging onto the idea that Gryffindors are all good and that Slytherins are the evil ones.