Moving On

Crush?

Staring out into the lake, Severus heard footsteps and soon felt the body of a person pressed up against him. He raised his head and saw Remus, he was vaguely aware of James and Sirius sitting not far away from them.

"What's wrong Severus?" Remus said.

He shook his head.

"Dear, you're not okay and we're worried about you." He tried again.

Silence.

"Did we do something my Juliet?"

"You've been distancing yourself from us. If there's anything we did please tell us," James added.

"Sev, didn't you say to speak when something's wrong?"

Running his hand through his hair, Severus took a deep breath, "I saw James and Sirius... kissing... in an old classroom."

Severus watched as their eyes widened. He glanced at Remus and asked one of the questions that had been nagging him ever since he found out, "Did you know?"

Remus flinched, "I did."

Severus nodded slowly. He expected that answer, but it did nothing to quell the rising bitterness in his chest, now was the time to confirm his doubts. He recalled the question and answer session he had with Sirius not long ago in this same place.

"Are you dating them as well Remus?"

Severus did not know what answer he wanted to hear, if Remus said no then that meant that Sirius and James trusted him more and if he said yes then that meant he did not trust Severus either. Both answers made his chest uncomfortable.

"I-- yes," was the answer he got.

Dropping his head as his heart clenched, he opened his mouth and tried to speak, yet no words came out of his mouth. He gripped the grass beneath him tightly, almost pulling it out. He looked at James and Sirius, their figures soon becoming blurry.

"How long?" He finally said, his throat dry.

It was Sirius that replied, "Since Christmas break."

"Why didn't you say?"

"We were going to tell you soon," James said.

He narrowed his eyes.

"How soon! It's already been a month since you started, am I so untrustworthy? Why did you hide it from me?"

Remus put his hand on his shoulder, "We didn't mea--"

Severus pushed him away and crawled backwards to the trunk of the tree, "Don't tell me that! Why lie to me."

Remus gave him a pained expression, he rubbed his hands and smiled sadly, "Believe me Severus, we didn't mean to hide it from you. We were... waiting for the right time."

He stood up and walked towards James and Sirius, "We're sorry for hurting you Sev. We'll give you some space."

Remus then ushered the boys that tried to get closer to Severus away. After they left, Severus hugged his body and gripped the clothes covering his chest. Tears flowed down his face like a steady stream of a river, his heart was in so much pain. Is this what heartbreak is?

It dawned on him, like a bucket of cold water being poured on him that he attached a high level of importance on how the other boys perceived him. He wanted them to have unshakable trust in him, because... because he liked them.

Oh Salazar! Severus had a huge crush on them. That's why he did not want to be around them, because despite the anger due to thier distrust, he knew that deep down he could never be happy for them as a real friend should. Ultimately that was it, if he tossed away the anger and disappointment all that would remain was desire, envy, and melancholy. He needed to find a way to get over them. Quickly.