despair - h.hyunjin ★

chapter 38

y/n pov

"move" i told him still trying to get out, but he didn't. he kept his hand on the door, stopping me from leaving. "just once, please." he said, i dont know where this is going but i dont like it. i've moved on. i dont want to go back.

"fine. what?" i said slightly nodding as i moved a bit away from his door and him.

"i know, i know this is so so stupid after everything i've done and said, but im sorry. im so sorry. i regret it, everything. just give me another chance, ill make everything right. i cant do this anymore. i cant ignore the fact that i do fucking care and that i do give a shit. just please let me have another chance and ill fix everything, please y/n, please." he said, his voice was breaking. i dont know. i dont know what to do with this. i dont know what to say i dont fucking know.

i took a breath, "i've given you enough chances, dont you think? and you cant do this?? do you have any idea how i've felt because of you all those years??"

"i do. and i regret it. i was a jerk. i know. just curse me out, yell at me hit me do anything but stop ignoring me. it hurts, i feel so fucking dumb but i have to say it. you dont even have to forgive me, i know i dont deserve it. but atleast give me a chance to prove myself, just this once. please y/n, ill do anything" his voice got lower, we were both just holding back tears at this point.

i scoffed with a straight face, "right.. 'it hurts.' you dont have a fucking right to even apologize to me. hurts? remember the shit you've said to me? i remember it hyunjin, i remember it all. you know nothing. nothing. you're not saying that because you feel bad or because you regret it, you just miss the attention you used to get. and you fucking suck. you're the biggest fucking asshole i've ever seen!" i yelled, i dont how and where, but i've been keeping all this in. and now i say it.

he didn't say anything and just nodded to everything i said while looking down. "i know. im sorry. but its not the attention, it really isn't. i miss you. i keep thinking of you. you can take it as whatever you want, but im going to try. just give me a chance."

"chance? oh how about you get humiliated in school? how about you follow me around everywhere? how about you get neglected?? how about i make you feel like fucking shit???" i yelled again as more tears went down my face

"ill do it. anything."

i scoffed again, "you're such a bitch, hwang hyunjin. all these years of treating me as low as dirt, you now say this because you miss me. because you need me. what about the time i needed you? where were you then?"

this time he went quite, because he has nothing to say. i know he doesn't. he cant.

he sighed as his eye dropped a tear as well, "y/n.. im.. i know i fucked up. im sorry. a sorry doesn't fix anything but im still sorry.. just please let me try, i dont want to give up, i cant."

"fuck you, hyunjin. i hate you. i hate you so much. and i hate you for making me feel like this. for not letting me walk away. for fucking coming into my life."

he nodded to everything again, he didn't have anything to argue back with, the most he could do was agree, because im in the right and hes in the wrong. and he knows it. he should.

"im aware, you can hate me, i do too. but im still going to try, im going to do whatever it takes. just atleast let me try, okay?" he said again, we were both crying. "do whatever you want. i dont care." i said and wiped my tears, then walked out of his room, he already removed his hand long ago but i got too driven away. i slammed the door shut and stood there leaning on his door, i could hear faint sobs coming from his room. i sighed and wiped my tears again, then walked back to my room before he would realize im still standing outside.

timeskip

as i got out of my room i noticed another box of chocolates kept outside, i sighed and took them in. this was the third time.

its almost been a week since me and hyunjin had that talk, and we havent spoken after that. he's been sending me chocolates, my favourite drinks and sometimes even candies since then. when he said he was gonna 'try', i didn't expect him to do such childish things. i still accept them though.

i dont know if he meant any of whatever he said, but if he did, some part of me deep down is satisfied. not because i can get him again, or because he wants me again, but because i saw him cry over me that day. this might be such a petty thing to say, but in our case he deserves it. he deserves every bit of regret he's feeling for everything hes done

i kept the box on my table and got out, i was finally gonna see seungmin as he has been busy with his father's discharge and college applications. he's still gonna be busy for a few more days but he said he managed to make time out to meet me today.

the place we were meeting was that rooftop building, we couldve done a cafe or something but it just became our comfort place somehow.

i bought some snacks on my way and waited for him outside the building, a few minutes later he finally showed up.

"sorry, am i too late?" he asked as he catched his breath, i can tell he's been overworking himself. i know he has stuff going on but he should rest as well.

"nope, just on time" i smiled, he smiled back and we went in.

we talked for about half an hour as we catched eachother up on everything.

"im glad your dad is okay" i said, he smiled. "thank you once again, he is because of you"

i just smiled and shook my head as i took a sip from the soda i was holding. i looked out for a few seconds, wondering if i should tell him about this whole hyunjin thing or not.

sure it would ruin this nice moment, but it always gets worse every time i hide it from him. "hyunjin apologized" i said out directly. it caught him off gaurd but he wasn't as surprised, as if he expected me to say it.

"for what?" he asked as he faced me.

"everything, apparently. he said he wanted another chance" i replied, still looking outside.

he sighed, "and what did you say?"

"well.. i kind of had a blast as well. i was a bit mean but i dont really feel bad" i would go in details, i clearly remember each word hyunjin said to me that night, but i cant really be bothered to repeat them.

"and what now? are you guys friends again?"

"i dont think so, we havent talked after that. all ive ever gotten from him since then is candies and drinks"

seungmin stopped facing me and looked outside as well, "not surprised, i saw that coming"

i looked at him with a slight shocked expression, "what? you didn't?" he asked me as he looked back at me.

"no. why do you think i never cut him off all those years? i was scared i would loose him forever if i did. i never thought something like this would be happening"

he shrugged, "so what are you gonna do now? give him a chance?"

"i dont know, a part of me still thinks he's just doing it for attention, because he expects me to forget everything and run back to him if as if nothing ever happened if he said the word"

"that could be a possibility, but he wouldve given up by now if you're still ignoring him, not send you gifts"

"true, i just got one today. i just dont know what to do with this whole thing, i need time"

he nodded, he was unexpectedly calm, but thats what i like about him. he doesnt make things look messier than they already are.

"whatever you do, just dont make the wrong decision okay?"

i smiled and nodded. no one makes wrong decisions on purpose, seungmin.

(not me i make the same shit mistakes over and over again 😍)

i was about to say something when i suddenly felt his hand on my head, he ruffled my hair. its not the first time he did this, but i felt butterflies all over my body. i looked at him and he smiled, "come here" he said as he pulled me into a hug.

~to be continued

i was too lazy to double check this just ignore typos 😭