despair - h.hyunjin ★

chapter 43

y/n pov

his words hung in the air, i.. i dont know what to say, i can't even process- he did what?

i looked at him with shocked eyes, i guess he catched it because he continued talking without expecting me to answer. "she was completely healthy, why do you think she would pass away out of nowhere? it was all done by my dad." he stopped and sighed, then spoke again. "she was against me being involved in his business world unless i wanted to, so she was the only thing that was stopping dad from drawing our 'deal' shit. so my dad.. he started to slowly poison her food." he stopped. its like everything around us fell below the ground, all the comfort here just five minutes ago was gone. what is his family?!

"but it was still taking a long time because my grandma was a pretty healthy person, and i guess she sensed something was wrong already, so she wouldn't eat alot of what was given to her. when my dad found out she's been eating out, he got mad and well.. gave me a plate of her favourite meal, and told me to give her that no matter what. i was young, and she was the only family to me back then. he told me if she continues eating out and skipping meals it would do something bad and she would get hospitalized. i was scared, i didn't wanna lose her.. so i forced her to eat it. it.. it was poisoned y/n." he stopped again and took a breath, i can see his hands slightly shaking. 

i quickly put my hand on his as i took a breath to process everything. "it.. it wasn't your fault hyunjin" i said after a pause. he shook his head, "but it was. she told me so many times she didn't wanna eat it and i forced her, she trusted me. she probably hates me now"

"hyunjin. listen to me. you had no idea! i bet she knows you would never hurt her on purpose. she doesn't hate you" i said. i dont know how to take all this in, i need time to process. but i tried to put myself together, he's the one who needs comfort right now. god knows how long he's been carrying the weight alone

"you dont get it y/n, she died right in my arms, she was in so much pain.. if just i didnt do what i did..." his voice got lower, "the last time she looked at me, her eyes only had resentment."

i sighed, there's no use of telling him, he's completely putting the blame on himself. "how did you find out?" i asked instead.

"i overheard my dad talking to someone. when i found out it was because of the deal i just started hating you even though i knew it had nothing to do with you or your mom. but i was too scared to accept my blame, so i put it on you for as long as i could. until i couldnt anymore, which was when you left. i finally realised nothing can take the fault off me, and that i was losing you just because i didn't have the courage to accept shit."

he's right, it isn't mine or mom's fault, if she knew she would never even keep contact with his dad, let alone get me involved. but i just can't help feeling bad. i can't even imagine how hard it must've been for him to deal with me all those years.

all because of that damn deal?! is his dad even a human? i caressed his fingers, "for the last time, you had no idea. it has nothing to do with you or me, its all your dad's fault. so please stop hating yourself. okay?" i said, its useless but it wouldn't hurt trying

he sighed. "does.. your mom know? why didn't you tell anyone?" i asked.

"i didn't know how to tell her, i thought she would hate me too. who do you think would've trusted a 14 year old? my dad had his connections and everything right at the tip of his fingers, it wouldve been of no use. i had nothing."

"i'm.. so sorry hyunjin. no one deserves that." i said as i slowly pulled him into a hug. whatever happened between us in the past doesn't matter right now, he needs comfort.