Graffiti Night

This Can't Be Real...

Picture of Alex Pettyfer who plays Callum.

Where are you? And I'm so sorry.
I cannot sleep, I can't dream tonight.
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time. ~ I Miss You, Blink-182
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As I sit on the couch of Oli's apartment, watching the news on TV intensely, I feel Oli's hands start massaging my tense shoulders.
"Relax, I'm sure it's nothing big." He assures me. I nod, agreeing with him that everything is fine, but deep down I know that it's not. What's going to be on the news?
"The suicide of a teenage boy has put his family into shock and deep sadness." The news reporter says suddenly. I feel Oli's hands stop massaging my shoulders and my breath catches in my throat. A picture of Mac flashes up on screen. He has a grin on his face and his arm is around me, but I've been cut out of the picture. I remember that day. It had been a sunny afternoon when the photo was taken. We had gone for a picnic in the local parklands. We got a stranger to take the photo for us. We had had one of the best times, laughing and mucking around.
And now he was dead.
Dead. Gone. Forever. Never to return. I won't ever here his voice again. Never hold his hand again. Never feel his arm around my shoulder as we lay in bed together, talking softly as we drifted off.
I was feeling something a tad worse then when I'd lost mum.
This was something beyond pain. This was brutal excruciating heartbreak that included speechlessness and non-comprehensiveness.
This was finally it. I was finally tipped over the edge. I was slowly falling apart before, but this has now shoved me down the mountain. And I was going to wind up dead down the bottom. I felt Oli sit next to me, taking my hand in his. I just stared blankly at the screen, my mouth parted slightly.
"Mackenzie Hastings, 18 and from Melbourne, walked into the local police station, managed to give a statement about having something to do with the death of Ryan Brooks, brother of Amber Brooks who was a beloved friend of Mac's, before he wrenched a gun off a on duty police officer. He then said these words, "I have done wrong and no one will ever forgive me for what I have done. Please tell Amber that I love her and that I am truly sorry and I hope she understands," before he pulled the trigger, killing himself there and then." She explains.
"But I don't!" I yell. "MAC, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
"Police officers are now being taken in for questioning and one police man and police woman have been taken to hospital with trauma and shock. Mac's parents are asking for anyone and everyone to pay their respects to him by coming to his open funeral on Saturday at 11 'o'clock at AAMI Park, as that was where he wanted to play with his band. Thank you." She finished and the weather segment began.
"Amber?" Oli asks. I just look at him hopelessly. Mac had done wrong but he didn't deserve to end his life. Nobody deserved that. My eyes well up with tears and I feel my bottom lip tremble violently. Before I can start crying, Oli's arms encircle me and pull me onto his lap. I don't care about the stabbing pain on my side from my stitched wound not do I care for the stinging pain in my shoulder either.
"This wasn't supposed to happen." I sob. I feel him stroking my hair and I hear his heart beat racing.
"I know, baby. I know. He didn't deserve this, at all." He says quietly.
"I don't won't to live anymore." I wail. Oli squeezes me tighter.
"Don't say that."
"But it's true."
"Amber, promise me won't try to kill yourself." He says, releasing me and taking my hands. I shake my head.
"Amber." He presses. I hesitate, looking into his eyes as tears roll out of mine. He means it. He looks like he's going to start crying himself.
"Fine." I lie. He nods and pulls me to him again, just as more tears flood my eyes. He holds me for the whole night, his grip not faltering once. It gives me hope. At least I have one person to live for.

~

I wake the next morning, my back stiff and still in Oli's lap and still in my clothes. I had a restless sleep. I'm surprised my mind let me sleep for those three nightmare filled hours. Oli slept most of the night, occasionally waking up to check I was still with him and that I was okay.
I quietly get up and walk over to his small kitchen. I pull the camomile tea down from the higher shelf and make myself a cup quietly. Oli stirs and then stretches as I sit back down on the couch next to him, pulling a blanket over my crossed legs. His eyes flutter open and he smiles sympathetically at me.
"Don't." I say shortly.
"Good morning to you too. Don't what?" He asks.
"Don't smile sympathetically at me. I hate it. It's like you're trying to sugar coat it for me and I don't want that." I snap. He lets out a sigh and gets up, stretching again. I sigh and hang my head.
"I'm sorry. I'm just tired," I pause, "and cranky and upset and depressed and I don't know what to do now."
"Well, giving me a kiss would be a start." He grins. I shoot him a look and he puts his hands up in surrender. He sits, cross legged, in front of me and looks at me. He takes my cup out of my hand and takes a few gulps.
"How are you?" He asks seriously.
"Shit." I laugh half heartedly. "I feel like I made this happen. That if I hadn't been that mean to him or I hadn't cut him off, he wouldn't have killed himself."
"Please don't think that. It wasn't your fault. He felt bad for something that he did. Not what you did, not his family, not anyone else."
"The funeral is Saturday. It's going to be huge. AAMI Park was where he wanted to eventually play with his band, Screaming Roses." Oli nods.
"Sweet name." He smiles, handing my tea back to me. I drain the rest of the tea and put it on the coffee table.
"Let's do something to take my mind of this shit." I say, shaking my hands out. I stand up and grab his keys as I start towards the door.
"Well, I can think of something that will take your mind off this." Oli says in a tone that makes me shiver.
"Good, then let's go." I open the door, but Oli shuts it and pushes me against it, his hands at my waist.
"I had something else in mind." He smirks. He puts his lips millimetres from mine, his breath tickling my lips.
"This could work." I say before he kisses me properly. He laughs against my mouth and I feel him lick my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I grant by parting my lips partially. His mouth is warm and inviting. I like kissing him. I feel his hand lift me up and I wrap my legs around his waist as he walks over to the bed. He gently places me down and climbs over me. I feel like I've been dunked in fire and then ice. Shivers run down my spine as his teeth graze my bottom lip. I feel him smile against my lips and he does it again, making me shiver again. He lets out a small laugh and rolls off me, our lips breaking for a moment. But not for long as he pulls me on top of him roughly and he brings my head down to his, our lips connecting again. I'm straddling him as I sit up, pulling away from our kiss as he takes off my top. I take off his and then we continue kissing.
"Wait." I say, sitting up. "Wait. I don't know if I can do this."
"It's easy, babe. I'll help you. You just-"
"No. I know how to do it," I pause, "I just don't know if I'm ready to do it with you."
"Naw, please. You're lucky I haven't already asked. You can't do this to me." He whines.
"Do what?"
"Get me all... hot." I laugh and get off him. I place my hands on the counter in the kitchen, close my eyes and think. I feel Oli's bare chest and stomach against my back and I then I feel exactly how hot he was getting. My eyes widened and I tried to move away from him, but his arms boxed me in and his body held me against the counter. I feel his lips brush my neck and a shiver runs down my bare spine.
"I could take you right here on this counter." He whispers, his lips brushing my ear lobe. I was getting hot all over. No. I can't do this with him. Not yet, anyway.
"We can't." I turn and face him. His jeans are off and he kisses me as he starts undoing my jean buttons. Maybe we could do it... He pulls down the zipper and helps me step out of them before he starts kissing me again.
"Yes we can. We can do anything we want. Come on, baby." He whispers. "Counter or bed?" He murmurs, as he starts kissing my neck, nibbling on my soft spot.
Ah fuck! The soft spot gets me every time.
"Bed," I say, closing my eyes as shivers run up and down my body. He picks me up and puts me onto the counter, his fingers raking up and down my thighs. He keeps kissing me for a bit before he picks me up and puts me onto the bed gently. Our kisses get deeper and more desperate. He pulls away from our kiss and slots up the bed to the small side table. He pulls open the bottom draw and forages around for a bit before he slams it shut, cussing.
"Shit." He sits back up and looks at me. "I don't have any protection."
"Oh. Okay." I say, rolling onto my stomach so I can look at him properly. "Um, well, what do you want to do?"
"Make love to you."
"Not what do you want to do do, what do you want to do about it?"
"I'll check in the bathroom." He leaps off the bed and bounds into the bathroom. Man, this guy was seriously eager. He comes back out with a frown on his face.
"Babe, I don't have anything in there." He pauses to think. "I could just use the pull out method?"
"No fucking way. That never works. You'll get me pregnant."
"A way to keep you mine forever."
"Whoa! Fuck no!"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" He laughs, clutching his stomach.
"Well, got any other suggestions to suggest?"
"You could just suck me off." He says simply. My eyes widen. I've done that one too many times on Dylan. I don't know if I could find the courage to put my mouth around his d.ck... I mean Dylan was big and it proved a challenge, but from the looks of it... Oli was fucking huge!
"I don't know." I chew the inside of my lip, still lying in my stomach. He climbs onto the bed and hovers over my back. I feel his d.ck against my butt and my eyes widen even more. He starts kissing my neck, again on my soft spot. I flip onto my back and kiss him. I feel the corners of his lips curl up in a way that only tells me he now knows how to get me each time. He starts to deepen the kiss but I pull away. He looks at me a small frown tugging on his lips.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
"We can't. I won't. I'm not entirely ready for all this." I tell him. Oli nods curtly and climbs off me, all of the warmth from his body leaving mine and I shiver.
"Okay." He says simply. I let out a long sigh and climb under the covers. He joins me and his arms wrap me up, keeping me warm. I love how warm he keeps me. I love the feel of his arms holding me. I love the way his breath tickles my neck as he breaths against it. I love the way his skin feels against mine, the thin fabric of my briefs and the thin fabric of his boxers is the only thing stopping anything from happening. The thought makes me shiver, but it also makes me smile.
"What are you you smiling about?" He asks.
"Nothing." I say as casually as possible. He gives me a cautious smirk.
"Nah, you're clearly thinking about something. C'mon, spill."
"It's nothing!" I laugh.
"It's me, isn't it. You're thinking about how good sex would be with me." He grins and wriggles his eyebrows suggestively.
"No, that's not it." I lie.
"Has anyone ever told you that you are thee worst liar ever?" He chuckles as he kisses me.
"I'm sorry we can't do it." I say. "But I haven't been completely honest with you." The smile on his face falters a bit and he raises an eyebrow inquisitively.
"What's wrong?" He asks. I hesitate. I was about to tell him something that I just admitted to myself only a few minutes ago.
"I-I'm not over... Mac." I say. It sounds weird out loud.
I never really admitted to having feelings for Mac. He always said he liked me. When he kissed me, it confused me. But now I have feelings for him, and the kiss all makes sense.
Oli is still silent. Then he speaks.
"So, like you still like him?" Oli asks. I nod. "You like a dead boy?"
"Don't say that." I snap.
"Well, he's cold dead in the ground. I don't understand why you still like him."
"Wow. You don't need to be a dick about it."
"Well, sorry, but I thought you liked me."
"I do. I don't know. It's tripping my mind. I just... I'm just not over Mac."
"What? So when you kiss me you imagine kissing Mac? When we're making out on the couch, you're imagining that I'm Mac?"
"Um..." I pause. F.uck. That's exactly what I've been doing. In the back of my mind, that is. "Yes." I say quietly.
"Great, just f.ucking great!" He exclaims. Oli throws back the covers and I lose all warmth I had before. He pulls on his jeans and t-shirt before sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I'm sorry." I say in a whisper.
"It's not all right. No. I have a half-naked girl in my bed who is drop dead gorgeous and I want to f.ck her. It's not all right for you to just pull that on me. Jesus, Amber! I'm actually falling for you. Do you not feel the same feelings for me?"
"I don't know."
"Well, maybe you should figure it out before you start kissing me. Because that's complete and utter bullshit. Did any of those kisses actually get imagined with me or did you just stick Mac's face on mine for every single one?" I stay silent. "Wow. Okay. F.uck. Why don't you grab a hammer, I'll pull out my heart and you can smash it into millions of pieces? How does that sound? Let me just grab my heart- oh- wait, it's not there. It's in the dirt in billions of pieces. God I knew something wasn't right when you were trying to back out of us doing stuff."
"I'm sor-"
"Don't fucking apologise! It means nothing!" He goes silent and the silence is deafening. "Can I just ask you one question?" I give a few small nods. "Does it hurt? Does it hurt you too?" I give a curt nod. "Good, I'm not a wimp."
I chew my lip, suppressing the tears that want to flow down my cheeks. I've fucked up. I prop myself up on one elbow so I can look at Oli who has his head in his hands as he shakes it.
"Get out." He says quietly. Tears well up in my eyes. I heard him loud and clear yet I still ask, "What?"
"Get the f.uck out of my apartment and don't come back."
"Oli, please don't do thi-"
"Get! Out! Right now!"
"Oli, my dad will hurt me! Please, just let me stay!" I sob, sitting up. He just points to the door. I hesitate before throwing back the covers and picking up my clothes. He starts pushing me to the door before I can put them on. As he opens the door, the bitch of a girl, Cara, from yesterday is about to knock. She puts her hand by her side, gives me one look up and down, pausing at the clothes, before she smirks and pushes past me then she starts lip-locking with Oli. Oli pulls away for a moment to shoot me a glare and slam the door in my face. I sink to the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks.
This can't be happening. I've just lost my best friend and the one guy who I thought was there for me, just kicked me out and is now undressing his ex. What. The. Fuck. I hear a small moan creep under the door and I jump to my feet, pulling on my jeans as I run down the stairs. I trip and fall onto my hands. The skin is scraped off the heels of my hands and I get to my feet slowly, pulling on my t-shirt. Then I get the hell out of there. Usually I'd go to Mac's, but I can't. If Mac wasn't available I'd go Ryan and bawl my eyes out to him, but obviously that's not going to happen. And Oli had made himself someone to go to, but it wouldn't be that exactly sensible seeing as I'm trying to get away from him. Dylan... I could, but he'd probably just try to get me back with him.
It's a Friday, I think, just find a party and get drunk. Forget everything and everyone. It's not late enough! Well kill time and then go find a party.
And with that I take off down the street.