Graffiti Night

Gone...

"Running through knee-high grass
Chasing you through fields of green and gold
Like kids we played until the end of the day
No fear of growing old
Hear the crash of the waves
Feel the sun on my face
Kiss the sweat off your lips, babe
Taste the salt in the air
Smell the flowers in your hair
With your fingers wrapped in mine" - All We Are, Andy Kong

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I stand at the end of the pier that Amber and I played our little follow the clues game to. I clutch the urn containing her ashes to my chest and blink back my tears. I got no sleep last night. Neither did Josh or Kit Kat. When I felt I couldn't sleep in my own bed, I went to her room. When I walked in, Kit Kat was already in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She flinched when I said her name and looked at me with red, puffy, watery eyes. I lay down beside her and grabbed her hand, kissing it as I had done to Amber's before they took her away.
"She seemed so happy when we hung out." She had said. "And she seemed even more happier when she was with you." She pulled out her phone and showed me photos that she had taken of Amber and I without us noticing. Not only was her mouth smiling, but so were her eyes. There was one photo where we were looking into each others eyes and we were both so happy. And we are leaning in for a kiss, the sun shining on our faces making her eyes bright and blue.

"She really did love you, James. She would call me sometimes at 2 am when you were snoring and she would tell me that you sounded like a jet engine, but she loved that about you and she would say everything she loved about you when you were sleeping. She really loved you." Kit Kat told me.
"Then why did she leave me?" I retort.
"It wasn't about you. She had lost too many people in her life. You need to understand that. This life obviously wasn't for her. She knew that and so did Mother Nature. And I believe that if she could say something to you right now, it'd be that exact thing." I had shaken my head at her and turning my back to her as the tears started welling up. I tried to close my eyes and sleep, but every time I did, I just saw her and her gorgeous body and then her blurry figure at the bottom of the ocean.
I know that this will haunt me for my life. I just know it. Because I love her and no one will ever amount to her.
"Amber, you were someone who I could be myself around. No stupid masks. Just my actual self. You are kind. You are smart. You are beautiful. And you are mine forever. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anybody else. Because you were and always will be the perfect women for me.
"I love you with all my heart and that love will never ever fade. Your spirit will walk beside me forever. I know it will." I'm speaking to the wide open ocean, not caring that Josh and Kit Kat are standing a few meters behind me.
"The hardest think about losing you," I pause, trying to get the words out, "will always be knowing that I could've saved you. I could've watched over you more cautiously. I could've gotten to the pier sooner. I could still have you in my arms right now. Have your lips on mine. I love you so much, Amber. And I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like you had someone by your side. But now you know, and it's to late." I give a small nervous laugh.
"You're always in my heart. May you dream with the stars for eternity." I finish, opening the lid and sprinkling her ashes onto the water. Kit Kat lets out a loud sob, causing me to sink to the wooden floor crying. The waves take the ashes, floating them straight out to sea. I feel numb and empty and hollow and like nothing.
But she's in a better place. I know she is.

4 weeks later

It's been 29 days since Amber's death. 29 days of me hardly sleeping. 29 days of me drinking. 29 days of me smoking. 29 days of me eating barely anything. 29 days with the love of my life. 29 lines on my wrists.
I haven't really spoken to anyone. I don't want them to give me those stupid sympathetic looks you get when someone close to you dies. Like they're trying to understand what you're feeling, but they don't know shit.
Kit Kat isn't doing too well, and is staying in my room, while I try to sleep in Amber's room. Josh isn't doing the best either. He's partying every night and doing all sorts of drugs and bringing home a different girl every night. It's his way of coping just like mine is drinking and smoking weed.
I hear my phone ring beside me, scaring me out of my thoughts. I grab it, looking at the number. No one I know, so I leave it. They keep ringing until I pick up.
"The fuck do you want?" I answer.
"Is this James?" A gruff voice comes.
"Yeah, who are you?"
"My name is Colin, Amber's father."
"What the fuck are you doing calling me?" I ask, enraged that he is trying to contact me. The things he did to Amber.
"Look, I know I haven't been the best father to Amber and I don't know what she has told you, but on her voice mail it said to ring James as you could explain why she isn't picking up." He tells me. My throat feels tight.
"Can I speak to her?" He asks. I remain silent.
"James?" I don't say a word. I'm trying to get the words out but I can't.
"James, is my daughter there with you? I want to apologise to her for how shit I was as her father. And how I was never there for her. But I have my life back together now and I've been sober for 3 months now and I have a proper job and I'm paying the bills and I would really like her to come and visit me-"
"The reason Amber isn't picking up her fucking phone is because she is dead." I shout into the phone, cutting him off. Silence meets me on the other end and I sob.
"And even if you could apologise to her, it would never make up for what you did to her. She was beat by her ex as well, you know? She despised you." I hear Colin take a deep breath and clear his throat.
"How?" He asks, quietly. "How did she die?"
"She fucking committed suicide. She drowned herself at the bottom of the ocean. I tried my hardest to save her but I couldn't.
"And she did it because she had lost her mother, brother, best friend and then the guy she used to love. She lost 4 of the most important people in her life."
"Oh god." He mutters.
"When did it-it happen?" I can hear the sadness in his voice as he stutters.
"29 days ago. 29 days ago was when the love of my life drowned herself. I saw the light go from her eyes right in front of my own. So she isn't answering her phone because it's dead and so is she." I hang up and throw my phone at the wall, creating a dent in the wall. I let out a growl of anguish and punch my pillow over and over again.
She was gone and she was never coming back.