I'll wait - nikki sixx

14 𖤐 insanity and heroin

Warnings - heroin use, heavy drug use, hallucinations

After the night of Razzle's death, everything went downhill more than it already was. Feeling empty and numb eventually lead me to insanity.

Vince got sent to jail for only 30 days for drunk driving and manslaughter. The court interviewed me but my mind just thought of Razzle, so I just told them what happened, well what I remembered.

In the long run, Vince is only serving 19 days on the condition which he stayed sober.

As for me, I don't even know where to start. I've just stayed isolated in my apartment, doing lines till I pass out, and waiting for someone to save me. I don't remember the last time I've got a full night of sleep, hallucinations and memories of Razzle keep me up at night. The blood pouring out of his skin, his eyes pale as paper, the gore of his insides.

We were supposed to go to London on New Years, but I guess that was all shit. It's now the 23rd of December, Nikki hasn't bothered to call or tell me where the fuck he is. I tried to call his dealer, his friends, his limo driver, but nobody knows where the fuck he is. To think about it, Nikki always caused me stress, but I'd never think that I'd miss him so much. Maybe he stressed me so much because he's never been there when I actually needed him.

-

The common white powder inhaled through my nostrils for the millionth time today. My eyes rolled to the back of my head, my heart thumping rapidly in my chest, loosing control of my body as I fell against the wall, panting heavily.

My eyes reached the surface again, the first thing in view was the red phone lying on the floor next to me.

Slowly, I crawled to the phone, shakily holding it up against my ear. I just managed to type in the familiar numbers as I do everyday.

The phone ran and rang as I sat there insanely, waiting for some response. Like everyday, there was no response.

Instead of leaving a voicemail, I threw the phone against the wall. The longer the days went on, I ached for comfort. But without Nikki or Razzle, I couldn't feel it. The amount of people who have called me to ask if I was okay, none of them made a spark in my stomach like Nikki and Razzle did.

My body ached and went numb, as I lay down on the floor, wanting to sleep forever. It was like I was lying unconsciously on the floor, waiting for god to take me.

A noise erupted from the other side of the room, the door clicking as the locks came loose. Slowly, I tried to look up, shaking and trying to stand up to reach the door in time.

Fear struck through my body as I weakly trailed towards the door. Nobody has the key to my apartment...apart from the guy who made me in this state.

It felt like a hallucination, but it wasn't. It was finally happening. My eyes widened as I stared at what seemed like heaven right now. His black hair had been overly back combed, his skin was paler than usual, black was smothered around his eyes, and he was certainly skinnier than usual.

"Nikki." I gasped.

He faintly smiled, looking like he was hiding pain deep inside of him. "Hey babe, what's up?"

I wasn't sure whether I was happy or mad. Rage ran through my body as one of my closest friends died and he completely abandoned me for weeks, not telling me the fuck where he is. But another part of me wanted to run up to him and hug him, telling him to never leave me again.

"What's up?" He smiled.

I got my shit together, rage taking over my weakness, "Razzle is fucking dead!" My voice broke, a tear falling down my cheek.

"Yeah I know." He said, casually. How the fuck was he so calm?

"What the fuck do you mean yeah you know?" I yelled. He shrugged. "Vince, one of your best friends, is in jail and the one person other than you who comforted me is gone forever!"

"It is what it is I guess. Shit happens." He shrugged.

"You fucking asshole!" I screamed, pushing him backwards. He tumbled back due to his light he was which shocked me but my rage turned the sad part of me away, instead yelling at him.

"Razzle was going to take me to London and he comforted me when you were a cheating prick! He was like a fucking older brother to me and now he's fucking gone! Vince has gone to jail and everyone is grieving Nikki!" I sobbed and screamed at him. He just stood there, wide eyed at me.

"You know, I fucking needed you! This has been one of the lowest parts of my life and you go and fuck off somewhere without telling anyone then you show up here acting like everything's perfect! What fucking boyfriend does that?" I was full on crying now whilst he stared at me, I didn't know whether he felt bad or if he didn't know what I was saying.

"Your a fucking asshole and I hate you and I needed you everyday whilst I was dying in this shithole!" I started to punch his chest and push him whilst his weak arms tried to stop me.

Eventually I got tired of fighting and let Nikki take over. I collapsed into his chest whilst he wrapped the two of his arms around me, hugging and shushing me.

"Shhh.." He whispered in my ear whilst I sobbed into his chest. "You know, I can help take away your pain now." He softly smiled.

I looked up at him fully, confused on how the hell a fucked up rockstar was going to look after me.
His frail hand reached down to his pockets, grabbing something carefully.

"This can be an early Christmas present." He smiled. He opened his hand to reveal a needle, a baggie with powder, a light and a strap.

My mouth dropped open as I stuttered out words. Yes, I did some drugs like cocaine, molly, ketamine, and the less harsh drugs like that, but I'd never even thought to do heroin, especially after everything that I've seen happen to people because of that small drug.

"Nikki...is that heroin." My voice shook as I asked the most stupid question ever. He nodded, smirking.

"Hell yeah it is."

"Are you doing heroin?" I gasped looking up at him. Yeah, Nikki did A LOT of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol but heroin was a whole different level.

"Yeah, but hey! It took my mind off all the shit that's been going on here and it's made me a more calmer person." He exclaimed like it was the best thing that had happened to him. "Cmon Y/n, think about all the numb feelings of Razzle that could disappear."

I stared at the drugs in his hand, contemplating my next decisions. I faintly nodded without realising it, hearing the chuckle come from his mouth.

He grabbed my hand, leading me to my bedroom as we sat down on the carpet. I watched closely and intensely as he prepared it. He grabbed a spoon out of his other pocket, pouring the powder on to it and some other liquid. The lit the lighter under the spoon as the powder gradually turned into a brownish liquid. The final moment came as he grabbed the syringe, injecting some into the tube.

I took a deep breath as I attempted to wrap the rubber around my arm as he finished preparing the heroin.

He carefully balanced the syringe in his hand, adjusting the rubber on my arm and making it tighter which caused me to hiss.

"I promise, this'll all feel better once it's done." He smiled.

I took one last deep breath as the needle sunk into my vein, and the liquid began to sink into me. I took a long breath as Nikki injected it all.

Immediately, I felt some sort of release. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as my mind drifted off. I could hear my heart thumping rapidly, but every other noise had faded. My vision was blurry and dizzy, and I had no lust over reality. Razzle wasn't even on my mind now. It was like I was watching myself through a laggy tv screen. Fuck this felt so good.

'Don't get addicted' was the last thing I thought to myself.