Spiderson oneshots

The Love of Loss(12-13-22)

I am my mothers relentless thoughts, i am my dads gut wrenching heart. I am who i decide to be any given day. But why? Is there more to this impossible feeling that covers me from heart to feet? Im not sure what answer im looking for, but ill find it. I yearn to be hugged by someone who will choose me over themself, unable to do anything as i destroy myself. I have fought and fought to be loved, admired. My mind rejects my body, but lets others objectify me. I am only worth what others will think of me, i am only worth what ill let myself believe. And a hatred so strong, a fire thats roaring will eventually be my demise. There are people who choose to settle in this life, to be happy. And there are those who know, within every fiber of their being they will want more. More love, more passion, more hatred, more sorrow, and it will never be enough. I will need a love so intense that it will set a house ablaze under my hands leaving crumbling charcoal that will leave stains i could never wash away.

A suicide of unfortunate situation. A girl who sacrificed herself to the matches that caused her to melt. A child, such as me, who was as complex as i am. Speculation surrounds her death, bullying and home life, none of which no one but herself will ever truly know. And the most upsetting of the incident was not those who mourned her, but those who threw blame without care for those sensitive to the situation. It is when we dont talk about the person more than the specifics around it that you see peoples true colors. And as her name circled social media, as she gained friends she didnt know of before, i never felt so guilty. We are in no position to decide what she would and wouldn't want. And the day her balloon release came was like a catalyst. Dragged from class into a field with a student body that didnt know her, i begged to stand with a teacher outside the mess of children. And as i heard selfish people speak, i too became selfish. As balloons started to rise, i imagined they were me. A mass of mess pulled together and torn apart by the environment, i felt like i was floating in a vat of un-stomached sadness. I felt as though each individual balloon is every memory I struggle to remember. And all I can feel now is a dread that will never go away.

Maybe i wasn't meant to be happy though. Am i meant to spend forever falling for people who could never feel the same way i do? Love the same way i do? I want someone to love me so softly, that ill drown in the fabrics of what we feel for each other. I want a soft whisper of love, where we kiss at the top of a ferris wheel, on the front doorstep. I want flowers to take up my counter space, and love notes stuffed into corners of my sock drawer. A world where  love has always been the smell of cigarettes and coffee, early morning drives from one parents house to another. Love had always been the way my sister looks at her boyfriend, and the way my mom and her new husband cook dinner together. Love will always be, and been, will always become, and begone. And beyond your life, those who you have loved will love you still.

He said he's sorry for how he treated me. Why can't he just leave me be? I don't want to keep loving him. It's torture. It's cruel. It's like a weight tied on my ankle I'm the ocean. I'm not sure I can do this anymore. After so long it was only a matter of time before he decided he didn't need my attention any longer. A new girlfriend, pretty and probably easier to talk to, spend time with. One who doesn't suffocate as I do. Why do people take their love away so easily? Am I not worth it? I'd like to believe my love is valuable, irreplaceable, even if I know that's not the case. The mere fact that people can give and take love away on a whim terrifies me. Was I a placeholder? And will I always be a placeholder for people? I want to mean something to someone who means something to me. Being made to feel important and having importance torn from your very being led to what can only be a profound form of loss.

And loss wasn't a stranger. Perhaps it had never been, I believe I can feel her cool presence creeping around my heart. And she squeezes as though my heart doesn't work on its own. And maybe she is right about that, my heart hasn't ever been able to beat on its on, attaching itself to the closest person to gain some sort of semblance of living. For if a tree falls and no one was around to hear it, did it really happen? And if I fall, and know one cares to know it, has it really happened? Maybe I exist to be loud enough in my fall, that i am really happening. For my heart to beat without the white hot pain. Could one truly exist on their own? And I know that,No, we couldn't. And this loss leaves a bad taste in my mouth as she grips at my throat as tears swell up on my eyes. At this spring of tears Loss will hold me until my breaking point, until she wipes them away for me as a mother would her child, gentle and kind. And she lets go, apologizing for what'd she had done, but we both know it will happen again, and I will forgive her all the same. She knows I'm not upset with her, and she knows she's always welcome to stay.

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I know this isn't a one shot, and I know it's been a very very long time. I'm sorry. And this is no promise, but it is an official reach out that I am trying to get back into writing again.

I love all of you <3