Cowboys & Angels

Twenty Nine

I walk in
Help you get up off that floor
You ain't gotta be alone no more
Just know, just know
When you can't pull through
When life's hard on you
Know it ain't no thing, know it ain't no thing
You know what to do
You could call, you could call on me
You could fall, you could fall on me
And if you want to
Tell me what you gon' do
You could put it all, put it all on me

On Me x Thomas Rhett feat. Ava Max

Beckham

I've been both looking forward to and dreading today. 

The six week checkup.

I'm anxious to be cleared, because hello, have you seen my husband?!  But also...have you seen my husband?  My body has changed so much and I feel like it doesn't even really belong to me anymore.  It grew and birthed a human, no I'm a dairy farm for Emmy.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, don't get me wrong.  I just...want a little part of myself back I guess.  Jake offered to either come with me to the appointment or stay home with Emmy if I wanted time to myself.  I wanted both and neither, so Jake helped me settle on being dropped off at the office while he and Emmy explored the Target across the street.  I've been checked in, brought back into the exam room, stripped out of the clothes on my lower half, and am now covered by the sad excuse of an exam sheet while I wait on the doctor.  About 10 minutes later, she finally comes in.

"Good morning, Mrs. Seresin!  How are we doing?" She starts, carrying on with pleasantries as she washes her hands and dons the purple exam gloves. 

"I'm doing good.  Stopped bleeding around 10 days postpartum, my milk supply has been awesome, Emmy is the best baby and is already sleeping extended periods at night so that's been good.  Also, I know this is one of your next questions, so no.  We haven't had any kind of intercourse since she was born." I quickly tick of the answers to the questions I know she'll ask.

The doctor just nods her head in acknowledgment as she drops onto the stool in front of the exam table.  "Alright, you know the drill.  Feet up and scoot towards me.  Let me know if you feel any pain or severe discomfort."  She does her manual exam, poking around and making sure I've healed well.  "Everything looks great!  Now I've got a few more questions before I let you out of here."

I scoot back up the table and sit up, watching as the doctor tosses her gloves in the trash.  "First things first, do you want to go back on birth control?  We can do a low dose, progestin based pill.  There are plenty of other options though, depending on what you and Jake want in the future."

"I...didn't even think that far ahead.  Can I talk to Jake about it first and then call you back?  I know I don't wanna get another implant, that's for sure."  I'm not opposed to having a small age gap between kids, like two years, maybe more.

"That's absolutely fine! Just let me know," she smiles before continuing. "Next thing I want to talk to you about is your weight."

My stomach sinks to the floor. "How bad is it? I know I got much bigger than I expected, but I thought I lost most of the baby weight, if not all of it..." I trail off and my eyes drop to the floor.

The doctor lays her hand over mine. "Oh, honey no! You misunderstood my concern." My eyes shoot up to lock with hers and my brows pinch together in confusion. "Beckham, you've lost all of your baby weight and then some. You're 12 pounds less than your pre pregnancy weight. I'm worried you're not eating nearly enough. You were a tiny thing before and now you're itty bitty. I know pregnancy and motherhood change our bodies so drastically and the expectations for us to look like we didn't just create life 6 weeks ago are outlandish. I promise this is a judgement free zone and I'm just concerned about your health, which also directly affects your sweet Emersyn. Now, be honest with me. Are you eating enough?"

The genuine concern is palpable and my resolve crumbles.

"No," I whisper out.

She nods. "What about everything else? I know increased anxiety is to be expected since you now have an extra little love to take care of, but are you having triggers that stem from nothing? Hyper vigilance even?"

This breaks the dam that's been firmly in place, holding my emotions back. I tearfully spill everything I'm feeling from the fear any time Jake leaves the house, the worry he won't love me the way he used to, and the terror I won't be able to protect him or Emmy from the next attack.

"Beckham, you've been through so much in the last two months, more than most will in their entire lives. Have you talked to anyone about this?"

I shake my head side to side. "No, not even to Jake."

She sighs and gives me a kind, almost nurturing look. "It might be a good idea for you to do that. I definitely think you'd benefit from some counseling. And if that's too daunting, try opening up to Jake first. I can also prescribe some low dose, breastfeeding safe daily anxiety medication if you'd be interested in that."

We spend a little bit longer talking before she sends me in a prescription for a low dosage of Prozac and I'm given the contact info of a couple of highly recommended counseling clinics in the area. I'm also given the green light to resume all sexual activity, provided that I'm ready mentally as well. I hug her tightly, thank her for breaking through my shell, and head out the door with an extra spring in my step as I walk over to meet up with Jake and Emmy Jett. I hit Jake's contact and bring the phone to my ear so I can seek them out in the store.

"Hello, gorgeous. All done?" Damn, even his voice is sexy.

"Yep! Where are y'all? I'm about to walk in the door and come join you."

"We're over in the toy section, we decided to get a jump on the list she's sending to Santa." I can feel his smile over the phone and it sends warmth through me.

"I'll be right there," a smile crosses my face as I hang up the phone.

Jake is exactly where he said they'd be, looking extremely domesticated and adorable with a little pink bundle strapped to his chest in the baby carrier his brother sent him. Hilariously enough, the brand is Tactical Baby Gear and the carrier looks like a tac vest we've worn on ops. Jake's eyes light up when he sees me, a little avocado teething toy in his hand.

"Look what I found! It's a Taco Tuesday set, comes with a little taco and tortilla chip too!" He excitedly holds the rest up.

I stand up on my tiptoes and lean into his chest, careful not to squish the baby as I lift my lips to his for a sweet kiss.

"Wanna get outta here, cowboy?"

I swear I see heat flash in his eyes. He tosses the toy over his shoulder and it lands perfectly on the shelf. Typical Jake Seresin, smooth operator without even trying.

"Don't have to ask me twice!"

Hand tangled with mine, his other large paw protectively cradling Emmy to his chest, we find the Yukon in the parking lot and load a sleeping baby into her car seat.

"Wanna stop at IHOP before we head home?"

I swear the question almost made Jake cry before he nodded so quickly he looked like a bobble head.

"My girl wants pancakes, my girl gets pancakes!"

With a soft kiss placed to the back of my hand, he places our entwined fingers on the gear shift for the entire drive to the restaurant.

God, I love this man.

•••••••••••••••••••••

To any mamas out there reading this, you are BEAUTIFUL AND BADASS.  Mom life is tough, but you're tougher.  I'm always here if you need someone to talk to!

Xoxo
💋