The Rule Book

Rules for Flight 801

Alright so I see that you're ready to go on a flight. Unfortunately no other flights are available besides flight 801. We have specific rules for this flight as this one is particularly... peculiar. Nothing on here is as seems and we unfortunately have lost many to this mysterious flight. As long as you play your cards right, flight 801 should go decently smooth yet there is not guarantee. If you value the life of your family members, I would highly advise telling them to drive if possible. If not well then pray. Your in for a very particular experience.

1. Your flight is scheduled to leave at 5:00 a.m. [Eastern time]. Because it is dark out when heading to the airport, it's crucial you don't make eye contact with the ones outside.

2. When you arrive at the airport, you should receive a green wrist band. It's very important that it's green. If not tell the staff otherwise.

3. There is a group of brown figures that roam the airport. This is airport security. Do not make them angry. And do not break any standard airport rules in front of them.

4. When you board your flight, do not make eye contact with the flight attendants. They may be pretty but they are only there for your convenience, not for conversation. If you ever need help they are your best bet.

5. There is an anomaly on this flight who takes the form of an old man who calls himself "Arthur". He wears glasses and an old tan hat. Be kind to him. If you see him carrying luggage, offer to help him put it up. He may help later.

6. When the captain announces that their taking off it's important you close your airplane blinds at this time. I'm afraid that what you see in the sky is not what you'll be expecting and unfortunately we cannot pay for your therapy or (unfortunately) your funeral.

7. When the flight attendants come down with snacks, there should be some gummy worms of some type. Feel free to eat these as they are the only safe things in this cart.

8. The plane will in fact hit turbulence at some point. If after five minutes and twenty seven seconds the turbulence stops then at this time you have to try and fall asleep. Trust me, you won't want to see what happens if you stay awake. If after five minutes and twenty seven seconds you are still in turbulence then follow rule 8.A.

8.A. If you are still in turbulence run as quickly as you can to the bathroom and lock it. Do not open your eyes and plug your ears. You may only come out when the screaming ends. Do not mind what you may see in the windows after coming out.

9. When waking up, check the seat in front of you. If it is empty then it's advised that you sit in it instead. If it had someone in it, make sure it is Arthur. If it is not, kindly tell the passenger that is not their seat and they need to go back to their own seat. Arthur should appear sometime after they leave.

10. The co pilot will come out of the cockpit about 45 minutes into your ride. It is crucial you play dead. We're not sure why so many entities are set on eating or doing worse things to humans, but the co pilot is very hungry. If you get caught looking alive then there's a chance Arthur may protect you if you were nice to him earlier.

11. There is a gray figure that walks up and down throughout the aisle about an hour in. Do not approach the figure or look him in the eyes. He is harmless unless provoked. He will leave something in the bathroom at this time. You may not collect it until the plane ends.

12. If the passengers eyes all suddenly turn black run into second class. Things will seem different there however they cannot go there so it is your best bet. At this point in time you just wait until the flight ends to exit. Just do not get caught by staff hiding in there, they won't be very happy.

13. If static starts coming through the radio, do not look in anyones eyes and plug your ears. Pray it does not choose you.

14. After a non particular period of time the sky is guaranteed to turn red. When this happens one of two things will happen.

14.1. This event is where the brown figures appear. Don't worry they are just doing a security sweep. As long as you don't have anything dangerous or illegal on you then you are no threat and they will move right past you.

14.2. The red figures will appear. Pray.

15. About an hour and fifteen minutes into your flight you may start hear screams from outside. Some may even sound familiar. Don't worry there is nobody that you know and no one that you should fear. Just whatever you do, do not look out the windows.

16. Two hours into your flight a couple will come sit next to you. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Instead start to cry. This will make them go away much sooner out of pity.

17. If you start to hear infants cry at any point during the flight, plug your ears immediately. If not it will leave you in a permanent catatonic state.

18. Please feel free to tell the staff of any noise complaints or other poor behavior from other passengers, they'll appreciate it and take care of it immediately.

19. Keep your area spotless, it creates less work for the employees and will make the flight go much more smoothly.

20. At three hours the figure will return for his things from the bathroom. You are still not allowed to make eye contact.

21. When you land you are now allowed to go see what the figure has left. You still should not look flight attendants in the eyes and now you must say goodbye to Arthur.

22. The figure left you one of his favorite things, a donut! If it was glazed or chocolate it means your performance was good. If it was not on of those, refer to rule 22.A.

22.A. If it was any other flavor, most commonly cream filled, it means your performance was not good and they are now watching. Either way eat the donut, the figure is just trying to help.

I sure hope you like flying because this is certainly a treat. Hey if you mind, can I have your donut? I'm starving. Anyways I hope you have a glorious day and as always live don't thrive.

Yours truly ~[REDACTED]