The Rule Book

Rules for the Garden

Be aware and stay alert. What's pretty on the outside may not actually be that way on the inside.

"I dreamed
you were a drowned man, crown of phosphorescent, seaweed in your hair
Water in your shoes I woke up desperate,
For air"

-Omens by Cecilia Llompart

1. When in the garden the flowers in the front tend to want more water then those in the back. The standard amount for any plant is a hundred and twenty five milliliters of water though of course some are pickier then others.

2. Some plants are beneficial to others such as carrots to tomatoes or sunflowers to cucumbers. But remember that plants get lonely, and they tend to like to have little friends just like you and I.

3. Morning glories may appear to grow very rapidly. Almost impossibly quick. It's important to completely snip the plant once it's grown past 17 inches. We've had this problem in the past and we've found this is the only quick solution. Ignore any quiet screams you may hear after snipping off a stem.

4. It's ill advised to go into the taller plants area. You need to be able to see your surroundings. If you have to go in there, don't go alone.

5. Ignore any whispers coming from the plants.

6. Don't grow mint in this garden. It's invasive and almost impossible to get rid of. It also tends to kill other plants though we're not sure why.

7. Ignore the bleeding hearts. We're not entirely sure if that's blood on them either.

8. Only water the larkspur every other day, it's quite the picky plant.

9. Ignore the figure with a broken neck. That is the old gardener I'm afraid. He just wants to do his job but it's best if he doesn't see you. Hide in the bush shaped like a swan. He rarely checks that one.

10. The lettuce is not a picky vegetable and does not need watered often. But if it turns red, water it, then heed its warning and leave. She is coming.

11. Pour weed killer on the tiger lilies otherwise they will continue to come up and invade. We've tried everything to get rid of them including acid, arson, hexes, spells, you name it. But it never quite wants to go away.

12. Do not pick flowers without letting us know. Otherwise you'll be in for a very interesting treat later.

13. No, I promise, the daffodils are not watching you.

14. If the sprinklers turn on then it's best to stay out of their way. The water is not safe for humans.

15. The flower by the statue of [REDACTED] may disappear in the afternoon. Don't worry, it always returns. There's a reason their called four o'clocks.

16. For a non pesticidal way to get rid of pest, try putting half of a potato all around your garden. This way it is much easier to get rid of them and you don't have to spray any harmful chemicals.

17. If the statue of [REDACTED] starts to bleed, then you must leave. You have upset the white roses and if you stay they will turn red and we just can't have that unfortunately.

18. The flowers, plants, vegetables, herbs, bushes, trees, and all alike have a strong hatred for children. Do not bring them in here.

19. It's ill advised to tell people about the garden. People tend to think you are going crazy and maybe you are, but that's not their problem.

20. If the plants start to speak Latin then take the cutting shears and behead each plant. It's ok, we'll just have to start over.

21. Do not climb the trees, you will not come down.

22. You may eat the vegetables and fruits here if you wish. Just make sure to wash them. There's bugs everywhere you know?

~Yours Truly [REDACTED]