The Rule Book

House sitting

I see that you got stuck house sitting. Don't worry! We actually have a list of rules left by the person your house sitting for. Her name is Ms. Clubs and she leaves a great amount of money for you to take so say yes to any kind of job! Just be aware. Things are never how they appear. These are a direct copy of her rules so when I say "I" that does not pertain to me.

1. When you first arrive just open the door, it's not locked. When you close it then make sure to lock it. You should also lock and close all windows at this time.

2. Please feel free to eat anything inside the pantry. Just please do not eat out of the fridge, you won't like what you see.

3. The fireplace should never be on. If it is throw gasoline on it, the gasoline is located in the locked cabinet under the sink. The key is the silver one in the junk drawer which is located to the right of the sink. I know you think it's crazy but this fire isn't normal. It does not feed on gasoline...

4. I do not own any pets as I'm allergic to most. If you see one inside, run to the master bedroom and lock the door. Light the candle on my side of the bed and if the crucifix isn't already turn it upright.

5. I also do not have any children in the house currently. If you see a child or just someone else in the house, run into the bathroom and smash the mirror. Light all the candles and burn the incense under the sink. It's the only way.

6. You have to watch the tv at 9 o'clock to 10 o'clock. Ignore any sounds you may hear coming from in the house at this time.

7. You must be in bed by 11 o'clock. I highly advise you sleep in the master bedroom though. If you sleep in the guest bedroom I recommend keeping a sharp weapon by you at all times.

8. Please keep the house tidy! I hope there isn't much mess when I return.

9. A neighbor named Mrs. Speck will knock on the door at approximately 3 in the morning. She is harmless and will usually offer some kind of pie or muffin. Only except if she is offering blueberry muffins. If not kindly turn her away.

10. If you notice a tall white tree in the yard, use the axe located under the sink and cut it down. That is not a tree.

11. Sometime you'll notice that my old China dolls will be in places you did not see them before. Do not panic, simply put them back where you saw them and lock the door. They should stop being curious after this happens.

12. The last house sitter came to me concerned about almost circus like music. Unfortunately there isn't much to do about it, I know it is mildly unsettling but you mustn't investigate. Nothing in this house is worth the damage of investigation.

13. If you find a news article about this house burning down in 1951, burn the newspaper in the fire on the fireplace, they are only trying to freak you out and if they do, they will get to you sooner. This paper cannot be destroyed in any other way.

14. If you hear a baby wailing do not go outside. It is desperate to get you.

15. I do not have a husband named Ronnie. If a man calls and tells you it's Ronnie checking in and to remind him of the address your currently at tell him 8121 Seagram boulevard. This should throw him off long enough until I get back.

16. If ever you may find that the grandfather clock in the master bedroom is stuck on the time of 2:11 o'clock then break the face of the clock. Don't worry, the clock will reset itself soon.

17. If you hear me outside the door asking to come in before my scheduled date of arrival do not open the door. That is not me.

18. You may only leave my bedroom at 10 o'clock in the morning.

19. Do not bring food into where ever you are staying, it will attract them to you.

20. If you ever smell something that smells like it's dying, refer to step 4.

21. If you ever hear glass shatter, refer to rule 5. Except this time, run.

22. If all rules have been followed correctly I shall reward you with 700 dollars for your troubles. You soon will wake up with no recollection with what has happened but you will find that sum of money on your table.

Thank you for watching my house, I hope you'll stop by sometime after

Truly and forever yours ~[Ms. Clubs]

Well she certainly is an interesting lady with an interesting house. We don't have much or any other tips to advise however, the fridge is definitely something that's off limits. Never ever look there no matter how thirsty you are, the tap water is your best bet.

As always stay alive, try to survive and

Yours truly ~[REDACTED]