starlight - jaylor AU

Champagne problems

A/N: just letting you all know that my current update schedule is every other day. Im feeling better But my head is still fuzzy

- Taylors Pov -

I feel like a hollow shell. Joe stayed with me last night because I couldn't stop crying and he was scared that I would totally break down. I don't blame him because I genuinely got scared of my own sanity too. my past track record doesn't exactly warrant trust in my ability to handle stuff like this. I did try to kill myself at one point, obviously they saved me, but I get that it can make people worry more than they probably would with someone else. And I'm also known for using food to deal with crap like this.

Harry is still on my mind, and I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. He was clearly pushed to the breaking point and its obviously it all comes back to me not wanting to be with him anymore. I knew he would be upset but I didn't think he would become this desperate. People might struggle to get it, but he was my only friend for years, my best friend and my first love. That still means something, and I can't help but feel this is all my fault. He still loves me, and I may not have been too considerate over that.

«I can hear you thinking Taylor. What's going on in that pretty head of yours» Joe mumbles into my ears. He is spooning me from behind, but I didn't think he was awake yet. Selena is sound asleep across the room still, and the clock on my desk tell me its only five am.

I could lie to Joe and tell him I'm thinking about something else, but I've also learned that lying doesn't get me anywhere. One lie led to another and then eventually you're tangled in a web of them.

«I can't help but feel this is all my fault. I mean, he still loves me, and I haven't been that considerate. If I had done something else maybe he wouldn't feel the need to force himself on me. There are things I could have done differently. I'm clearly a horrible friend» I whisper unsure if I want him to actually hear me or not, but since his arms tighten around me, I think he did.

«Listen to me Taylor. It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. If he didn't want to respect what you've told him, that you don't want him back, that's his fault alone. And forcing yourself on someone is never okay, no matter the circumstances. Hell even an old married couple can withdraw consent even if they have been married for a hundred years. It doesn't matter, consent can be revoked at any point. There is nothing that will ever justify someone forcing themself on someone else, nothing. He was in the wrong and I won't let you take the blame for his actions» he says sternly.

What he is saying makes sense rationally, but I can't help but feel like it's wrong at the same time. I have this tendency to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong around me, it's just who I am at this point. no matter how many times growing up my parents have been gentle with me to point out it's not my fault if something goes wrong it's been hard for me to believe them. It didn't matter to me if it was regarding an object, an action, or another person, I always took the blame. Even if it had nothing to do with me, I still felt guilty. Like the time Austin broke my mother's favorite vase that had been in our family for a hundred years I felt like it was all my fault because I was in the same room. it was an accident, so he only had to clean up and didn't get any other consequences I still sobbed my little 8-year-old heart out. So my dad held me as I cried and asked for forgiveness.

«I can't help how I feel Joe. I've known harry since I was a little kid, he was my only friend. But now I've thrown his feelings in his face and broken something special that we used to have. It is my fault Joe» I argue and sit up. It's not that I don't want the comfort of his embrace anymore, I just need to look at him while we have this conversation. It's easier for me to understand where someone else is coming from if I can look at them. Eye contact has always been a problem for me but can still read peoples body language.